Look, I realize that I've been asking you to click a lot of links lately so you can read things I've written that have been posted at other sites (like Bitch Slap-a-Mania!) or to listen to my yammering about stuff (like part one my interview with The Graveyard Show!) and I apologize. I know how lazy you are, and how taxing clicking can be. I also know that Final Girl is the only site on The Internet that you visit, so you'd rather read everything right here on this very page. I understand, truly. But sometimes- just sometimes- don't you think a little variety is nice? I mean, I love Dunkin' Donuts coffee, but if I had it every day...wait, scratch that. If I had it every day, I would be a...a...I would be, like, a giant, highly caffeinated metaphorical boner that walks like a woman because I would be so happy. In fact, during this vacation of mine I'm running an experiment in which I see how much Dunkin' Donuts coffee I can drink while still managing to sleep at night. Which brings me to my point (I think): you must do some more clicking today, but it's good for your soul.
Late last year, my cyberpal Heather emailed me and asked me to write a guest post for her horror blog, Mermaid Heather, which turns 5 this month. I was duly honored she asked, because Heather's blog is a favorite of mine. She's low-key about the entire affair, in it simply because she loves horror movies. She chugs along quietly, cranking out honest reviews and tidbits she finds interesting. When life doesn't get in the way of her posting, she's quite a juggernaut.
Anyway, I was tasked with writing about a movie that has some sort of personal significance for me. Because I've already written extensively about House of Ass Volume 9, I was left with really only one choice: a little something called Track of the Moon Beast.
Head on over to Heather's neck of the woods to read my spiel, stay a while, and wish her a happy blogaversarystravaganza!
I recently made a short horror film called Ludlow, starring Shannon Lark and Elissa Dowling. I thought I'd share all the boring details about how that came to be, because...you know...sharing is caring and if there's one I thing I do, it's care.
Remember that thing I did called Ghostella's Haunted Tomb? The lezzie horror webseries thingy that had some special guest stars and stuff, and some people kind of got the idea behind the whole thing and some people didn't? Huh? Yeah, well…I don't know what's happening with Ghostella. I haven't yet decided if I want to do a second season or not, or what it'll entail, or…but! This is not meant to be about Ghostella's Haunted Tomb.
Remember Fudgalicious gum? Which was gum, but…you know, it was chocolate? That's either the best or worst idea in the history of ever- kind of like the Spice Girls, or those bowls you can buy that come with a built-in straw for drinking whatever milk is leftover after you've eaten your Fruity Pebbles or whatever. Actually, you know what? Those bowls you can buy that come with a built-in straw are the worst, plain-n-simple. I mean, how effing hard is it to tip the bowl into your mouth if you want to drink the leftovers? There needs to be a straw?
Wait! This is not meant to be about Ghostella or Fudgalicious or stupid inventions or stupid, lazy people. This is meant to be about…umm…what was I...oh yeah! This is all concerning a short film I made last week, which I know you're all peeing your pants in anticipation to hear about. Well, pull up those pants and gather 'round, children, and let me tell you a little tale about a little movie called- and set in- Ludlow.
SHANNON LARK: Wud up, Ludlow??
It all started, I suppose, when my short film Taste of Flesh, Taste of Fear was accepted into the 2008 Viscera Film Festival, sponsored by The Chainsaw Mafia. Taste of Flesh, as I'm sure you're well aware, was the short featured in the very first episode of Ghostella's Haunted Tomb. It's the lesbo vampire short featuring 2 Dollar Store Barbie knockoffs and Posh Spice that's so EROTICALLY CHARGED that it's too hot. Too hot, my lady- you've gotta run for shelter…gotta run for shade! Or something like that.
Oh, Kool and the Gang, you provide the soundtrack for my life.
But really, people, feel the heat. That heat is hot!
SHANNON LARK:Taste of Flesh, Taste of Fear is and was simply pure genius. If a filmmaker can make a great film using barbie dolls, then she's gotta blow you away with live action. And she did! I became obsessed with Top Friends. I showed it to my Mom. I showed it to my dog, and he licked himself. That's a good sign!
But I digress! The point is, the merging of Ghostella and Viscera introduced me to actress, director, Chainsaw Mafia CEO, and Fangoria Spooksmodel extraordinaire Shannon Lark because…well, Viscera is her thang. We met face to face in March during the Paranoia Film Festival; the 2007 Viscera selections were screened, including Heidi "Ghostella" Martinuzzi's Wretched, and a grand old time was had by all. Actually, don't hold me to that- I wasn't conducting exit polls or anything.
Trapped aboard the Queen Mary, Shannon and I spent most of the afternoon in the bar, then moved to a restaurant in the evening. During the course of the many hours we spent together, Shannon let fly that she wanted to be in one of my movies. I was dubious, which speaks more to my insecurity than any insincerity on Shannon's part; however, she proceeded to bust out a napkin and write up a contract stating much the same.
You can tell it's official because of all the lawyer-y language, like "This here contract…" and how she ends some words with "-eth".
SHANNON LARK: I told Stacie a story about how a contract written on a napkin can hold up in court. So I whipped it out* over a margarita in a funny looking glass that gave me stomach cramps. I used all the fancy shmancy jargon I could muster, because I wanted to show I was serious. She looked confused. I was ecstatic, because my evil plan of doing a Film Festival so talented female filmmakers would flock around me and put me in their next productions was actually working out. Besides, Stacie Ponder is amazing.
I jumped at the chance to work with her because she kind of fucking ROCKS. She said she'd be back in Los Angeles in April for Fangoria's Weekend of Horrors to fulfill some of her spooksmodel duties…wouldn't that be the perfect time to shoot something?
Why yes…yes, it would. I went home all pumped and proceeded to freak out almost immediately- writing something…on purpose? For someone? I don't tend to work that way. Like with Ghostella, I just write 'em, pretending no one will ever pay attention. Then I fill the roles. Or even writing here at Final Girl…once I start thinking that someone's going to be reading this besides me, I get all nervous. It's like my brain is nude or something, and it's embarrassing to think that people are looking at it…not that my brain has anything to be ashamed of, because it's 100% pure 36-24-36, if you know what I mean...and I think you do…which is good, because I have no idea what the fuck I'm talking about anymore.
SHANNON LARK: Haha! Stacie is totally nude!! Nude for Satan!
Oh, yeah! I was talking about writing a script for someone. Someone who's going to make a special effort to make a film with me. Ugh, nerve-wracking. Step one was to figure out what the eff I was gonna make this movie about. Actually, step one probably involved some Dunkin' Donuts coffee, or maybe some ice cream. Step two was to figure out what the eff I was gonna make this movie about. More on that to come.
Can I just say that my local grocery store AND my local Target have both discontinued carrying mint chocolate chip ice cream? That really does not fucking compute. It's kind of like the Catholic Church discontinuing God.
Anyway.
*Please note, the only thing "whipped out" was a napkin.
Some of you out there told me that joining Twitter would not only be good for my health, but it would also gain me legions of devotees who would hang on my every...twit...and would read Final Girl and follow me to the ends of the Earth, not even blinking or hesitating when I suggest we all wear matching black sweat suits and Nikes.
Or, at least, that's how I remember the conversation.
Anyego, the point is I joined Twitter and now you can follow my positively scintillating updates, such as "I am having coffee" and "Coffee is so good" and "I'm having another cup" and "Dunkin Donuts coffee makes a great Christmas gift" and "I like the French Vanilla best" and "I think I'll have some more" and "Kindve hrrd too type with shakkking hands" and "DID YOU HEar that" and "THERE ARE BUGS ON MY FACE AND THEY ARE LOOKING AT ME".
Have you been pulling your hair and wringing your hands, wondering when I'd be back? I know I have! Then I remembered that the power of posting at Final Girl rests in my very hands, so here I am.
I've been jacked up on my beloved Dunk's for several days now, and yesterday I found a little used bookstore that had a VHS copy of Satan's Cheerleaders waiting just for me. So far, this trip rules!
Anycoffee, I wrote a piece about killer plants and trees over at Ye Olde AMC, which is now up for your viewing pleas---well, your viewing, at any rate. Killer plants and trees are pretty sweet and a great way to celebrate the season, don't you think? Baby Jesus would be proud.
Well, children, I'm afraid it's time to say goodbye for...for...some amount of time. Today I'm jetting off to the magical land known as "the other coast" to celebrate what's known as "the holidays" in a whirlwind tour of New England. Yesterday I was picking oranges in my backyard, tomorrow I'll be battling several inches of snow. This does not thrill me; however, being in New England means that I'll be able to go to an actual Dunkin' Donuts and buy an actual cup of Dunkin' Donuts coffee. This thrills me very much.
I'm not sure whether or not The Internet exists on the east coast, so posting for the next two weeks or so will be sporadic at best. My AMC columns will still post on Wednesdays, however; in fact, one went up a few days ago where I blabbed about...dun dun dunnnn...elevators in horror movies. Elevators? I'm not really a fan, although they serve a noble purpose.
I hope your end of the year celebrations, whatever they may be, are bitchin. I've got lots of surprises in store for 2009*, and I hope you'll be around to check 'em out. Thanks for being the most awesomest readers who ever read a blog!
Whatever you do while I'm gone, don't be naughty. PUNISH!
I say unto me, woe, my friends, for October has come and gone with nary a peep from yours truly. NARY A PEEP I SAY! It's a sad state of affairs, to be sure, when my most favoritest time of the year fails to spark a fire in me. But spark it did not! I've been experiencing...not exactly writer's block, per se, but rather, perhaps, writer's blah...as well as watcher's blah. Supreme unmotivation. I've hardly watched anything lately, and when I have managed to park it ("it" meaning "my ass") in front of a movie, it hasn't been horror-related. Sure, the recent Lifetime Movie Network Tori Spelling double feature got me all ten kinds of pumped (umm...back-to-back Co-Ed Call Girl and Awake to Danger, y'all...that's some mid-90s primo Tori action right there! Oh my god, I love Co-Ed Call Girl, especially when Tori's pimp starts talking about the incredible power she seems to have over men...), but that's not really Final Girl fodder. Or is it?
Meh. Though I haven't been jazzed enough lately to put cyber-pen to cyber-paper, I suppose it's time to get back on the cyber-horse. Maybe November can become the new October or something, and my love affair with horror movies will burst into passionate flames once more and I'll wonder why we ever spent a moment apart. Recommend something for me in the comments and maybe sparks will fly.
Lest you think I've simply been sitting here staring at the wall instead of posting, let me assure you: that's only 68% true. I've still been giving AMC their weekly dose of me...I just haven't been talking about it here. But today is the first day of the rest of my life, yes? Yes! So here are links to all the columns I've neglected to mention in recent...holy crap, in recent weeks. Fucking A, I suck!
So, I've been writing. I've also been working some Ghostella's Haunted Tomb "magic"; I'd finished and uploaded the season finale, only to discover a need for reshoots. It's totally my fault and it's not really a big deal, but it's a pain in the arse all the same and the episode won't be up until next week, most likely. I can totally tease you about it, though, by saying this: I've got a special guest star! My special guest star is Lena Headey! Yes, the same Lena Headey who stars as Sarah Connor in Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles. Yes, the same Lena Headey who starred as Queen Gorgo in 300. Yes (and perhaps most importantly), the same Lena Headey who starred as a super-sexy cave-diving scientist in The Cave. Lena Headey in Ghostella's Haunted Tomb? As the kids today might say, WTF? I wouldn't believe it either if I were you, but here's some photographic evidence in the form of a "screen" "cap" from the film.
I don't know why I put that in quotes; this really is a screencap.
I know; I still don't believe it, either.
So there's that. I've also been painting a bit. For all my fellow BioShock nerds out there, I made this set: a Little Sister and a Big Daddy:
FYI for all you citizens of Squaresville out there, BioShock is a video game.
I made this dizzazzling set for a friend's birthday: it's 4 glass coasters that double as picture frames, featuring Television's Greatest Geriatric Detectives!
Neat, huh? The pictures are about 1.5" square, and they come in the sweet-n-spinny holder rack thingy. If anyone is interested in...say, a set featuring horror type folks or what have you (I mean, like, coasters featuring Freddy, Michael, Jason, and Leatherface? Or Universal Monsters? Fuck yeah!), just get in touch with me. I'm open for coaster commissions and painting commissions, and I've got galleries on my MySpace and Facebook pages for you social networking goons out there.
Anytinkle, that's about that. Yeah, I think it's high time I made out with Final Girl again, don't you think? I've been so lax I have nary a clue as to what's going on in the horror world at all; I haven't checked the news in weeks. What have I missed? Have they remade the remake of Dawn of the Dead yet? Is Saw MCMVII due anytime soon? I'm so out of the loop; let's catch up over a coffee, preferably one from Dunkin' Donuts.
Oh, and one more thing before I go: You probably haven't heard much about it, but tomorrow is Election Day here in the US. I don't know what your political stripe is, and (aduh and adoy) Final Girl isn't about politics. Regardless, I'm urging any Californians out there to vote NO on Proposition 8. Let's not make discrimination legal, okay?
Here's one particularly eye-opening TV spot, which just so happens to star someone you're probably familiar with by now, Bridget McManus (stand up comedian, talk show host, Final Girl Film Club member, Ghostella's Haunted Tomb star, and my pal).
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go find something to watch.
People, people, gather 'round and listen to my tale of...
Gah, I have no idea where I was going with that. I'm not completely awake yet. But regardless, heed my words! There's a new column by Yours Truly over at AMC, and it's all about...uh, people gettin' ugly when they get possessed. Or something like that. It's noble work that I do, for sure.
It's also Ghostella day, huzzah! Behold three terrifying trailers! Finally, FINALLY I SAY, Don't Look in the Bureau! is almost a reality. Also, I say, Ghostella is going bi-weekly. While I hate to do it, the more relaxed schedule will ensure I can maintain my *cough* standards of (B-grade) quality as well as my sanity; it may also leave me some time to do other things, like watch some fucking movies.
Speaking of movies, Shock Till You Drop has posted the honorees for AFI's "Top 10 Films in 10 Classic Genres" and yes, I'm dropping from the shock because horror ain't listed amongst the honored genres. Yeah, horror has always been filmdom's bastard child, but come on. Grow some fucking sac, AFI. It would've been nice to see the scary stuff get some props; I mean, some horror movies are actually good, you know?
I'll open up the floor here as they did at Shock...which 10 horror films would YOU honor?
AFI
Psycho Night of the Living Dead The Texas Chain Saw Massacre The Exorcist Halloween Nosferatu The Haunting The Silence of the Lambs The Shining Invasion of the Body Snatchers
FGFI
Shark Attack 3: Megalodon Killer Workout Dangerous Seductress Creepshow The Food of the Gods Friday the 13th Part 2 April Fool's Day [REC] The Convent The Descent
Let's kick this off by wishing a wicked HAPPY BIRTHDAY to the fantastically terrifically awesome Adrienne Barbeau, who turns 63 today. What's your favorite Barbeau performance, horror-related or not? Though her turn as the nun-blastin' Christine in The Convent ranks high with me, my absolute most favoritest Barbeau effort in the whole wide world is her work in Creepshow. Wilma is a crank-ass delight, and Ms Barbeau is total perfection.
I am shocked- shocked I tells ya- at the low response I've gotten regarding the Fangoria ticket giveaway I've got going on right this very second. Doesn't anyone want to go to a horror convention during the weekend of June 20-22? What, are you East Coasters too good for that? Hmm? HMM? Yon deadline fast approacheth!
Send me an email: stacieponder at gmail dot com by midnight, June 14 with FANGO in the subject line. Winners will be drawn completely at random, but feel free to send cookies anyway.
Gawd, talking about the East Coast makes me think about Dunkin' Donuts coffee and how there are no Dunkin' Donuts in LA and why the fuck is that? Yes, I can buy a bag of DD at the grocery store, but it's not the same. Must I travel all the way across the country to get a fresh cup? MUST I?
No Ghostella episode today, kids, sorry. I know, it sucks, right? It's not my fault, I swear. I SWEAR. No really, I swear. I'm not even kidding. It'll be back and better than ever next week.
I've had the old Visage song "Fade to Grey" stuck in my head for two days now, ever since the 1980 movie Fade to Black arrived in my mailbox courtesy of Netflix. I like that song, but it's really starting to get irritating. After attempted all my tried-and-true methods for getting songs unstuck to no avail, I'm approaching wit's end (it's down about a block on the left, next to the big Dunkin' Donuts). I guess it could be worse, though- I once had "Let's Hear It For the Boy" running through my mind for about a week. I was thisclose to jamming a fork in my ear to try to scrape the song off my brain.
PS- I love Dunkin' Donuts coffee, in a heart-with-an-arrow-through-it kinda way.
So was Fade to Black worth all the mental anguish caused by the EuroPop loop running between my ears? Well, since it's a Visage song, I guess so. If it was a Deneice Williams song, I'd be pretty pissed off right now.
Dennis Christopher stars as Eric Binford, a much put-upon film studio delivery boy who lives in the fantasy world of movies to escape his harsh reality. He resides with his crippled, shrewish, domineering aunt (Eve Brent), who tells him he's worthless and he needs to start livin' in the now. His overbearing boss (Norman Burton) treats him like garbage, he's bullied by some thugs at work (including a young Mickey Rourke), a smarmy film producer (Morgan Paull) steals his idea for a movie...you get the picture, right? Eventually, Eric has a complete break with reality and exacts revenge on his tormentors by re-enacting death scenes from various movies, killing people while dressed in all sorts of costumes: the Mummy, Dracula, Hopalong Cassidy...
While Dennis Christopher gives a good performance, the problem I had was that I could totally see why people didn't like Eric. He's an irritating, chain-smoking, mean kinda guy who quotes movies and fucks up all the time at work. And when I say "quotes movies", I don't mean he throws out the random Star Wars line or something like alot of people do. He acts like people from the movies and won't stop. If Eric asks you a question about a movie- like "What kind of gum did that guy who had one line in Casablanca chew between takes on Thursdays?"- and you don't know the answer, he'll insult you. He was too obnoxious to like. I don't condone revenge killing, obviously, but when your plot runs to the picked-on nerd seeking revenge on tormentors ilk, it sometimes helps if said nerd is likable, sympathetic, or a real victim of circumstance. If Eric Binford had been a little more like Carrie or the nerds of Lamda Lamda Lamda, I may have cared a little. As it was, I could feel my facial expression change from "interested, earnest, and trying not to think about "Fade to Grey" to "bored, disappointed, waiting for the movie to end, and trying not to think about "Fade to Grey" about three-quarters of the way through.
I did like all the clips from old movies that appeared throughout, though, and...umm...umm...I'll give it 5-and-a-half out of 10 "Luke...there is another...Sky...walker...."s.
Oh, and just so you know, tomorrow is my Friday the 13th marathon. I'm going to post throughout the day at various intervals, because if I waited until it was all over, I think the post would only say: "Guh".
Head on over to Heather's neck of the woods to read my spiel, stay a while, and wish her a happy blogaversarystravaganza!
