Day 28: "He's hunting us."

Okay kids, I'm going to try something a little different for today's film, Wrong Turn 3: Left for Dead. I'm gonna do a sort of live blog, just kind of typing my thoughts as they happen whilst I watch the movie. It'll be a bullet pointstravaganza that's so in the moment you'll feel as if you're right here with me gettin' yer deformed backwoods cannibal on. Won't that be neat? Yes, it will.

Now, I haven't heard good things about this film. As you may or may not know (or care), I'm a fan of the original film...don't know if I've ever mentioned it, but I'm not a fan of the second one. Such is life. I'm inclined to think that the series probably should have ended after two films at most, but who knows? Perhaps I'm about to dig in to one surprisingly awesome movie. If the cover is any indication, then the series is really getting back to its roots- you know, a brunette in a tank top and all that (I mean, really??). Anyway, enough intro. Time to hit play!

Oh yes...there will be spoilers.

• Wow, this opens with some ragin' water kayaking. How very The Descent!
  
• The woman get topless and smoke a joint while the men look for firewood. The acting (and dialogue) are so atrocious, I can only hope they get killed quickly...and they do! Or at least titso does...arrow through the breast and through the eyeball.
  
• There's the archer cannibal dude, munching on said eyeball. Wow...that looks like a latex mask. And there goes the last remaining shred of mystique the Wrong Turn killers had...
• Holy shit, the picture is pixelated something bad...hopefully that's just because I'm watching a screener copy.
• Okay, the sliced-n-slowly-fall-apart death is in effect, and it's truly some of the worst CGI I've seen in a while. Stan Winston is flipping this shit off from heaven.
• Not even seven minutes in. This does not bode well.
• Aaaaaaaand we're at a prison. It seems that the hispanics and the caucasians do not get along.
• So there's going to be some sort of a prisoner transfer...I'm guessing that the bus is going to crash or get hijacked or something something, resulting in a WRONG TURN into Cannibal Country. Let's see how my prediction pans out.
• Oh. My. God. The driving in the bus sequence is some seriously...it's not even greenscreen. It's like...car driving shit from the old days- sitting in a fake car while a moving road is projected on a screen behind them. OH. MY. GOD. What the fuck was the budget on this? 50 cents and a pack of gum?
• Ugnnnnnn backlot.....
• Wow, no signal on the cell phone. Shocking.
• Okay, yup, the bus is getting run off the road by a truck driven by the cannibals. Mmm hmm.
• Everyone's out of the bus...oh no, now the prisoners are in charge! This is such an unexpected turn of events. They'll get theirs, I'm sure- hopefully soon. Probably in shocking ways, like a sudden arrow through the face or some such.
• The bus exploded...is it just me, or are explosions in movies rarely exciting?
  
• Annnnnd tank top just came running out of the woods. Yeah, right into the mass of hardened prisoners who, uh, haven't seen a woman in a while. She'd be better off with the cannibals.
• Oh, she's a bad actress. Eliza Dushku, where are you? We desperately need your two facial expressions!
• I hate all of these people. I can't wait for them to die. This doesn't make for a pleasurable viewing experience, especially when all they do is blah blah blah. It's blah blah blah but it's not character development, which would be fine...instead, it's just people yelling at each other. Wheeeee!
  
• Cannibal child was lying in wait underneath some leaves...just in case someone happened to wander by this neck of the woods, I guess.
  
• Ooh, the prisoners are slowly killing the cannibal child. Who are the monsters now? WHOOOOO?
• Another sliced-n-slowly-fall-apart death? Okay, it's just the face, but still. Merrrr.
• I guess it's just the one cannibal in this flick (aside from the child). It's one of the original dudes...Snaggleface? Three-toe? One Eye? T-Boz? I don't know...one of 'em.
• Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. 50 minutes in.
• Boy, with all the woods to walk around in, people always manage to walk right into traps. Weird.
  
• Okay, days 29, 30, and 31 better blow my fucking mind, lest SHOCKTOBER die a horrible death. It's not supposed to be this way!
• This movie is nothing but jerks running through the woods at night. There's no suspense, there's no atmosphere, there are no scares...sheesh. Please excuse me- I'm going to zone out now and think back to the original film...specifically, the scene in the house, where the kids are exploring and then the cannibals come home and they all have to hide and be quiet and the cannibals start eating one of their friends and they're forced to watch...yeah...zoning....zooooooo...ninnnnnng....
• Oh dear lord, she's such a bad actress.
• I wonder if that's a deliberate homage to Cannibal Holocaust.
  
• How many shells can a pump action shotgun hold?
• Annnnd the cannibal has kidnapped the girl. Scream scream, drag drag, lick lick, eww eww.
• Gosh, can't have a horror movie without an eeeevil house with a room made just for torturin' nudies!
• So many instances of characters punching each other where the fist is clearly kept about 18 inches away from the face.
• Well, there's lots of blood, I'll say that much.
• Wow, it's surprisingly easy to take off the top of someone's skull.
• Gosh, I guess the bad guy is dead...with ten minutes left...
• OH. MY. GOD. Really? REALLY??? So the heroes drive off in a truck (more bad car effects)...then a few miles away from the house the cannibal is STANDING IN THE ROAD?? This is not possible. THIS IS NOT POSSIBLE. NOT POSSIBLE. FOR MANY REASONS. And he jumps on the speeding truck? And there's atrocious CGI?
• Okay, I guess he's dead now.
  
• Ah, another vehicle explodes. Excitement.
• This really needs to be the last Wrong Turn. Really. No, really. This series needs to be euthanized.
• Annnnnnd there's the lame fucking coda that leaves the door open for another film.

Whew, I made it! For a while there, I didn't think I would. Don't you feel like you watched it with me? Aren't you glad you didn't actually watch it with me? You should be. Wrong Turn 3 is a big pile of dook. Horrible, horrible, horrible...in case you couldn't tell what I thought from this post.

a few of my favorite zombies

The recent passing of Clayton Hill ("Sweater Zombie" from George Romero's Dawn of the Dead) has got me thinking about all those undead folk who've made an impression over the years. They (usually) don't speak and they're often one of a thousand walking corpses trying to eat the ragtag group of survivors, but we remember them regardless. Actually, horror fans don't simply remember these zombies, we celebrate them. Be honest, horror nerds- if a woman were to come up to you on the street and say "I was Majorette Zombie!" you'd know exactly who she was, right? And you'd be psyched to meet her, you know it...although you'd wonder why she felt the need to approach you and boast of her claim to fame a propos of nothing.

Here are a few of my favorite American Rotties.

1. Nameless Zombie (Dawn of the Dead '04)

She died without a name, which is sad. Then she came back to life and hauled ass trying to put the bite on Sarah Polley, which is understandable but not very nice. I like to pretend it's actually Dame Edith Massey as a zombie, which is a dream of mine that sadly will never be- at least never in the fictional sense. I suppose if there should ever be a zombie apocalypse, then the late Massey will rise from the grave. I won't know how to feel.

2. Softball Zombie (Land of the Dead)

She seems kind of depressed and sort of nice, but in the end I doubt if she'd want to be friends.

3. Cirque du Zombay (Night of the Living Dead '90)

I wonder how that happened. To be frank, he's probably better off undead.

4. Graveyard Zombie (Night of the Living Dead '68)

The one that started it all, and one of my absolute most favoritest. The fact that he really was coming to get Barbra is what's known as ironicalosity.

5. Ghetto Zombie (Dawn of the Dead '78)

If only for the hair and laid-back attitude.

6. Dr. Tongue (Day of the Dead '85)

Total gross-out icon. Great title sequence. I love Day of the Dead.

7. Nurse Zombie & Sweater Zombie (Dawn of the Dead)

If you watch Dawn of the Dead and pay close attention, you'll see that Sweater Zombie really gets around- he's outside doing his thing, then he's taking a ride on the escalator, then he's back outside with his partner-in-crime (and off-screen wife) Nurse Zombie (Sharon Ceccatti). You have to admire his moxie and his sweater vest.

8. Toothy Zombie (Day of the Dead)

Toothy is one of the zombies corralled by the evil Army dudes so Dr. Logan can get his experimentation on- in other words, she's one of those zombies that gets the audience asking "OMG, who are the real monsters here? Is it us? I'm not sure. I mean, we're not trying to eat anybody, but on the other hand, we're jerks..." Her "every other chomper" look totally influenced the zombie designs in my comic They Won't Stay Dead!- those janky teefs are how you know they're zombies!

9. Bug Eating Zombie (Night of the Living Dead)

Proving that zombies are grosser than we'd initially realized, Bug Eating Zombie plucks a bug off a tree and gulps it down- as...you know...her name suggests. Did you know that Bug Eating Zombie is portrayed by hot piece Marilyn "Mrs. Cooper" Eastman? It's true. Dazzle your friends with trivia!

10. Bub (Day of the Dead)

Duh.

11. Silent Movie Zombie (Night of the Living Dead)

I. Love. Him. I love how he totally overacts when the fire is waved in his face...but what I love even more is that after he overcomes his fear of the flames, Silent Movie Zombie gets irritated by them. He RULES.

12. Nathan Grantham (Creepshow)

Nathan Grantham is an anomaly in the zombie world- he can talk! He has a motivation for killin' beyond simple hunger! Best of all, he rises from the grave- I really wish we'd see more of that in zombie cinema.

Something just occurred to me. Let's think about what Grantham did after he decapitated poor old Aunt Sylvia, shall we, because he did a lot: he put her head on a tray. He found the frosting, then went in the silverware drawer for a knife. He frosted her head very carefully, then went searching for candles. After cramming them into her head, somehow (let's be honest, it probably took a while to get them to stay standing), he got matches or a lighter and lit them all. And he had to time all of this very carefully in order to surprise Cass and Richard as they approached the door! What a go-getter.

So, who's the most memorable zombie to you? Machete Zombie? Naked Zombie? Your mom?

Ha ha, I made that last one up.

Or did I?

so i made a movie: VOYEUR, part one

Dear y'alls,

I bet you've been worried about me, right? Wondering where I was and if I'd ever come back from my vacation...why, I'm sure you weren't even able to celebrate July 4th to the fullest because of all the concern. "No, friend, despite the fact that I love American independence and the thought of powdered wigs, I cannot even fathom a hot dog right now for I am concerned about Final Girl. What if she never comes back? What if she's taken to the woods like Nell and she's off doing nudie midnight swims and tayyynnnn innna wiinnnn-ing ? Which useless website will I read then, friend? WHICH I SAY."

Well, don' worr', chickbayyyyy, I'm back...although the prospect of fleeing to the woods and finding a lake for my nudie midnight swims was indeed tempting. Tomorrow, as you may recall, is Film Club Day, so go get yer Italian zombie action on!

But first, behold, Part One of So I Made A Movie: Voyeur, which is a short film written by, directed by, and starring Shannon Lark, which we shot whilst I was away. We just know how much you dug our silly write-ups for Ludlow, so we decided to continue the series. See what you've wrought? This is what happens when you pay attention to us.

-------------------------

SHANNON LARK: It seems as though the filmmaking process of Ludlow went so well between Stacie Ponder and I, that I decided to call upon her to film a short script I wrote titled Voyeur.

It was a perfect situation: I had just enough money to film this small beast, and Stacie had an itching to get the hell out of LA for a couple days. We made a deal for the exchange of services: she does the cinematography for my short and I see some big ass trees with her.

Fuck yeah.

STACIE PONDER: I learned two things (and two things ONLY) whilst making Ludlow: 1) Peperoncinis and peanut butter is a fucking delicious combo, and 2) Shannon and I mesh together creatively, like, super duper wicked awesomely. I’ll jump at any chance to work with her, and the fact that Voyeur came along so soon after Ludlow wrapped had me psyched. I was duly honored that she asked me to DP for her, but after saying yes I have to admit to a little panic. I’d never shot anything for anyone else before. I was going to be essentially responsible for her film (particularly since she’s also the star and wouldn’t be behind the camera with me), and for a while I wasn’t sure if I was up to the task. If I shoot my own movie and it sucks, I can just bury the tapes out in the New Mexico desert next to all those Atari E.T. game cartridges and no one ever has to find out. If I shoot someone else’s movie and it sucks, I’ve ruined her movie and I’m a big jerk. It’s a lot of pressure especially since, as I mentioned, it was my first time. I could only hope that Voyeur would be gentle and would still love and respect me in the morning.

Besides, the idea of seeing the big ass trees in Sequoia National Park after the shoot was too delicious to pass up, so it was on.

SHANNON LARK: I had written the script last November while I was still living in San Francisco (more like surfing on friend’s couches) and I was working at the Starlight Room in downtown SF. My boss, Harry Denton, who is like…famous and stuff, has an amazing apartment in a 40’s motif that I had read about in the papers. I wanted to write a story about a woman who is raped, and it’s really fucked up. I’ve always felt there weren’t enough rape films, especially male on male sodomy scenes. There aren’t any male on male sodomy scenes in the movie, but Harry Denton had the perfect apartment to match, so I was sold on the idea of shooting in the city.

I left San Francisco on January 1st, and drove like a madman straight to New Mexico to live, and like…have a home and a shower and stuff.

STACIE PONDER: Fucking diva.

SHANNON LARK: Fangoria’s Weekend of Horrors hit and the shooting date fell though on two separate occasions for different reasons. Ugh. It’s a short film for Christ’s sake! And dammit, Christ wanted me to make this movie!!

STACIE PONDER: It’s true, Christ wanted her to make this movie. I read about it in the Bible.

Okay, not in the BIBLE Bible, but I read about it on a website about the Bible. It said something like “And lo, Shannon Lark shall maketh a film about a woman who is raped, and lo, it shall be good. And fucked up.”

SHANNON LARK: I got the crew together (which is all female, so it kinda rocks) and cashed in a free flight from Southwest, due to my nifty little rewards card. Stacie picked me up from the airport in Burbank and we hit the grocery store. I don’t eat gluten anymore and I had a great time telling Stacie allllll about it.

STACIE PONDER: Holy crap, if I hear about gluten one more time I’m gonna puke my pants. Shannon is worse than a born again! Actually, it’s kind of amazing how she managed to work it into virtually EVERY conversation:

“Shannon, what time is it?”

“Umm, it’s 5:30. That’s so weird, because I stopped eating gluten at 10:30 three weeks ago!”

“How is that weird?”

“I don’t know, it just is. By the way, I don’t eat gluten anymore.”

SHANNON LARK: She had arranged a screening for Ludlow and the Ghostella films that evening so we grilled up veggie shishkabobs and I drank wayyyy too much wine. I don’t drink that often and since I don’t eat gluten anymore (hehe), I can’t drink beer. C’mon! I grew up on beer!!

Stacie just drank herself sober…on beer.

STACIE PONDER: My goal for the evening was basically to get drunk. This would serve two purposes: one, the booze would soothe my jangled nerves and I’d be able to watch Ludlow and all my other crap in front of people. Two, I was looking to relax after countless hours and long nights editing that fucking movie, and three, it was also a sort of birthday party and to celebrate my FINALLY turning 21, I thought it would be neat to get drunk legally for a change.

Yes, I realize that’s three purposes but I’m a girl so math is hard.

My plan worked for a while, and I was indeed drunk. In fact, I was going around letting people know as much: “Look, I’m not gonna lie to you. I’m a little bit drunk.” The next thing I knew, however, I was unexpectedly and disappointingly sober. The sudden transformation truly counts as one of life’s mysteries.

SHANNON LARK: Everyone loved Ludlow, I think. Except maybe that one guy who wandered off into the night when it started to play.

STACIE PONDER: No one knows who that guy was! No one claimed the random drunk guy. Maybe he was a mass hallucination, or a ghost. That’s probably it. He did talk about peoples’ auras an awful lot.

SHANNON LARK: The crowd went crazy over Stacie’s short films and I ended up passing out on her bedroom floor directly after Ludlow screened. I spilled wine on her favorite blanket and water on her bed before falling asleep under a curtain that I pulled from my suitcase.

STACIE PONDER: Yeah, I think people had a good time. It’s an amazing feeling to have people react positively to something I made- it kinda makes me feel like a three-year-old who busted out some glitter-covered macaroni art and mom loves it- or claims to- and hangs it on the fridge.

After the movies were over, people wanted to tell Shannon that she was fantastic in Ludlow (because…you know…she IS), but she’d disappeared. I found her drunk on my bedroom floor, managed to get her outside to greet (read: slur at) her public, then tucked her in for the night under her beloved curtain. The wine spillage wasn’t discovered until a week later, after we’d returned from our Voyeur adventure. It really doesn’t matter to me- it’s just a fucking blanket- but what I find most amusing is that Shannon tried to convince me that the blanket wasn’t even mine and that she’d brought it with her.

SHANNON LARK: It looks just like the blanket I was supposed to bring! Honest!!

And so the adventures of Voyeur began, just like Christ said on that one website about the bible.

i'd just like to point out...

...that the new issue of Rue Morgue hits the stands today. This is what it looks like:

See that thing at the bottom of the left-hand column? The thing about the 8 Films To Die For?

I wrote that!

Yes, I have some reviews in Rue Morgue. Another realized dream to cross off the list of...err, dreams to realize. And to think, I'm not yet 18! What's left to achieve in my life? I've now written for Rue Morgue, found $20 on the floor, been in Tori Spelling's house, seen the Grand Canyon, found underwear on the floor, worn a variety of wigs, picked an orange off a tree, and acquired Midwest Obsession on video. The only unrealized dream that remains, as you're well aware, is zipping around the universe all nude-like, shooting lasers out of my eyes. Frankly that seems like an almost unattainable goal at this point, but it's always good to have something to strive for.

Seriously, though, I'M SO FUCKING PSYCHED!

so i made a movie, part one

I recently made a short horror film called Ludlow, starring Shannon Lark and Elissa Dowling. I thought I'd share all the boring details about how that came to be, because...you know...sharing is caring and if there's one I thing I do, it's care.

Remember that thing I did called Ghostella's Haunted Tomb? The lezzie horror webseries thingy that had some special guest stars and stuff, and some people kind of got the idea behind the whole thing and some people didn't? Huh? Yeah, well…I don't know what's happening with Ghostella. I haven't yet decided if I want to do a second season or not, or what it'll entail, or…but! This is not meant to be about Ghostella's Haunted Tomb.

Remember Fudgalicious gum? Which was gum, but…you know, it was chocolate? That's either the best or worst idea in the history of ever- kind of like the Spice Girls, or those bowls you can buy that come with a built-in straw for drinking whatever milk is leftover after you've eaten your Fruity Pebbles or whatever. Actually, you know what? Those bowls you can buy that come with a built-in straw are the worst, plain-n-simple. I mean, how effing hard is it to tip the bowl into your mouth if you want to drink the leftovers? There needs to be a straw?

Wait! This is not meant to be about Ghostella or Fudgalicious or stupid inventions or stupid, lazy people. This is meant to be about…umm…what was I...oh yeah! This is all concerning a short film I made last week, which I know you're all peeing your pants in anticipation to hear about. Well, pull up those pants and gather 'round, children, and let me tell you a little tale about a little movie called- and set in- Ludlow.

SHANNON LARK: Wud up, Ludlow??

It all started, I suppose, when my short film Taste of Flesh, Taste of Fear was accepted into the 2008 Viscera Film Festival, sponsored by The Chainsaw Mafia. Taste of Flesh, as I'm sure you're well aware, was the short featured in the very first episode of Ghostella's Haunted Tomb. It's the lesbo vampire short featuring 2 Dollar Store Barbie knockoffs and Posh Spice that's so EROTICALLY CHARGED that it's too hot. Too hot, my lady- you've gotta run for shelter…gotta run for shade! Or something like that.

Oh, Kool and the Gang, you provide the soundtrack for my life.

But really, people, feel the heat. That heat is hot!

SHANNON LARK: Taste of Flesh, Taste of Fear is and was simply pure genius. If a filmmaker can make a great film using barbie dolls, then she's gotta blow you away with live action. And she did! I became obsessed with Top Friends. I showed it to my Mom. I showed it to my dog, and he licked himself. That's a good sign!

But I digress! The point is, the merging of Ghostella and Viscera introduced me to actress, director, Chainsaw Mafia CEO, and Fangoria Spooksmodel extraordinaire Shannon Lark because…well, Viscera is her thang. We met face to face in March during the Paranoia Film Festival; the 2007 Viscera selections were screened, including Heidi "Ghostella" Martinuzzi's Wretched, and a grand old time was had by all. Actually, don't hold me to that- I wasn't conducting exit polls or anything.

Trapped aboard the Queen Mary, Shannon and I spent most of the afternoon in the bar, then moved to a restaurant in the evening. During the course of the many hours we spent together, Shannon let fly that she wanted to be in one of my movies. I was dubious, which speaks more to my insecurity than any insincerity on Shannon's part; however, she proceeded to bust out a napkin and write up a contract stating much the same.

You can tell it's official because of all the lawyer-y language, like "This here contract…" and how she ends some words with "-eth".

SHANNON LARK: I told Stacie a story about how a contract written on a napkin can hold up in court. So I whipped it out* over a margarita in a funny looking glass that gave me stomach cramps. I used all the fancy shmancy jargon I could muster, because I wanted to show I was serious. She looked confused. I was ecstatic, because my evil plan of doing a Film Festival so talented female filmmakers would flock around me and put me in their next productions was actually working out. Besides, Stacie Ponder is amazing.

I jumped at the chance to work with her because she kind of fucking ROCKS. She said she'd be back in Los Angeles in April for Fangoria's Weekend of Horrors to fulfill some of her spooksmodel duties…wouldn't that be the perfect time to shoot something?

Why yes…yes, it would. I went home all pumped and proceeded to freak out almost immediately- writing something…on purpose? For someone? I don't tend to work that way. Like with Ghostella, I just write 'em, pretending no one will ever pay attention. Then I fill the roles. Or even writing here at Final Girl…once I start thinking that someone's going to be reading this besides me, I get all nervous. It's like my brain is nude or something, and it's embarrassing to think that people are looking at it…not that my brain has anything to be ashamed of, because it's 100% pure 36-24-36, if you know what I mean...and I think you do…which is good, because I have no idea what the fuck I'm talking about anymore.

SHANNON LARK: Haha! Stacie is totally nude!! Nude for Satan!

Oh, yeah! I was talking about writing a script for someone. Someone who's going to make a special effort to make a film with me. Ugh, nerve-wracking. Step one was to figure out what the eff I was gonna make this movie about. Actually, step one probably involved some Dunkin' Donuts coffee, or maybe some ice cream. Step two was to figure out what the eff I was gonna make this movie about. More on that to come.

Can I just say that my local grocery store AND my local Target have both discontinued carrying mint chocolate chip ice cream? That really does not fucking compute. It's kind of like the Catholic Church discontinuing God.

Anyway.






*Please note, the only thing "whipped out" was a napkin.

Sunday afternoon search terms

Once again, it's time for that ever-so-popular* feature, These Are Some Google Search Terms People Have Typed In And Subsequently Found Their Way To Final Girl.

Mind you, these aren't all from today, but that doesn't diminish their power! Feel free to hazard your guesses to the many, many questions in the comments.

sex goddess loses her wig

supernatural nudies

magic little nudies

- Clearly the two "nudies" searchers should meet and fall in love.

master of unlocking

- This one pleases me to no end.

horror movies good for the soul

- Why yes...yes, they are.

retro tits blog

- "retro tits" are almost as good as "worker boobs".

Naked Bea Arthur photos

- Really? REALLY?

what movie was it when a giant worm fucks a girl?

what it means if girl laughs at you at night club?

- Your fly is open?

if a girl uses a pen to masturbate what will happen?

- There's a Vagina Monologues joke in there somewhere...

girl with masturbating shoe

- A masturbating shoe? I'd pay real money to see that!

will you marry me with string?

- Sir, I wouldn't marry you with twine.

what does it mean when burning sunshine while been horny?

genie francis plastic surgery

- This has become my most frequent search hit, surpassing even "Shannon Tweed nude".

what if a car has a wig on that stink like a terd would I still love her.

- Car...has wig...that stinks? You know, putting a bunch of words in a row doesn't necessarily constitute a sentence.

I once knew a chick named annie may oooh

- Good for you! Celebrate this moment of your life with some International Coffee.

It amazes me that people sometimes click through to Final Girl when the search results come up. I'm also amazed by what people are searching for.

You said it, Charles Nelson Reilly!

Previous editions of These Are Some Google Search Terms People Have Typed In And Subsequently Found Their Way To Final Girl can be found HERE and HERE.




*it amuses me

Film Club: Lifeforce

Well kids, here we are- the very first Film Club flick chosen by the people, for the people. I certainly hope the people are satisfied with Tobe Hooper's 1985 naked space vampire epic Lifeforce.

Hooper heads back to Texas Chain Saw territory and opens the film with a dead serious voiceover by John Larroquette- or at least, I think it's him. According to imdb.com, Larroquette's involvement is "unconfirmed"- is this really an unsolved mystery after nearly 25 years? Has no one, you know, asked him? Regardless, the narrator quickly gives us the skinny on all the space stuff: a joint mission between Brits and Americans has sent the shuttle Churchill tooling towards Halley's Comet in order to check it out.

The Churchill gang makes a startling discovery: there's some sort of craft traveling along near the head of the comet. It's 150 miles long, 2 miles high, and practically begging to be explored. Colonel Carlsen (Steve Railsback) heads up an away team who board the alien craft, only to find:

• it's seemingly derelict
• it's seemingly organic
  
• there are humongous bat-like aliens on board, all dried-out and dead
• there are three nudies lying in stasis in giant crystals

The Churchill informs the away team that one end of the alien craft has opened up to form a large, fleshy umbrella; Carlsen decides it's time to get out of there, but not before they grab a bat husk and the nudies for examination. I'm guessing that in the end, this will prove to be a decision most unwise. Lifeforce lesson #1: should you happen across a naked man or woman encased in crystal, do not bring him or her home.



30 days later, the Churchill is found by another shuttle crew and it's in a terrible state: there's been a fire on board. The escape pod has been launched, but the state of the crew bodies makes it impossible to determine who, if anyone, may have made it out alive. The Crystal Nudies, however, remain intact and unharmed! Naturally they're brought back to London for examination; I'm guessing that in the end, this will prove to be a decision most unwise. Lifeforce lesson #2: The Crystal Nudies is, quite possibly, the best band name ever.

Once on the dissecting table, the beautiful, mysterious, and naked Space Girl (Mathilda May) proves to be decidedly not dead- or is that undead? Either way, the fact remains: she's alive. She grabs an enamoured guard (no one can resist her naked beauty!) and they start to make out. The next thing you know, everything has gone all Spencer's Gifts and there's lightning everywhere, like this:


The poor guard withers away as they make out- it seems that Space Girl is sucking the very life out of him...his lifeforce, if you will! He ends up dead and looking all caca, like this:

Space Girl makes her way out of the Space Research Centre and just like that, the very thing mankind has feared since the beginning of time has come to pass: there's a naked space vampire on the loose! We all knew this day would come eventually, yet we find ourselves so unprepared.

The SAS arrives on the scene, and Col Colin Caine (Peter Firth) is determined to figure out just what the eff is going on. As the autopsy on the dead guard begins, Caine learns at least one thing: the guard may be all beef-jerkified, but he sure ain't dead! He springs back to corpsey life, grabs the closest doctor, and makes with the lifeforce-suckage. As the doctor withers, the guard plumps up again and seems no worse for the wear, although he's understandably confused. Lifeforce lesson #3: space vampirism, like cooties, is easily passed from person to person.


The Churchill's escape pod lands in Texas with Col Carlsen on board. He's quickly brought to London to help piece together this evil naked space vampire puzzle; through flashbacks, we learn that The Crystal Nudies decimated the crew of the Churchill, leaving Carlsen with no choice but to set the shuttle on fire before busting a move out of there so the naked space vampires couldn't make their way to Earth. Nice try, Carlsen, but not good enough.

For the next hour or so, Carlsen and Caine chase Space Girl through London and beyond as she jumps from body to body. They meet lots of interesting characters along the way, from Patrick Stewart as the director of a mental hospital to a nurse at the same hospital who's really into being slapped around. As the alien fleshy umbrella space ship heads toward Earth, the space vampire plague quickly spreads throughout the city and London falls under martial law. People are going nuts running around, fires are breaking out everywhere, and there's a Spencer's Gifts bonanza in the sky- in other words, it's an awful lot like the Cabbage Patch Kid riots of '83.

Can Carlsen and Caine save the world from The Crystal Nudies? Find out in the explosive, ambiguous, and all-nude finale!

The worst thing I can say about Lifeforce is that it absolutely overstays its welcome; at nearly 2 hours, it's more than a bit bloated and parts of it drag like nobody's business.

On the other hand, it's a hell of a lot of fun- I mean, is there ever a time when naked space vampires aren't fun? The effects hold up surprisingly well for a flick from the mid-80s. The animatronic corpses are rad*, there are all manner of space vampire dustings that are bitchin'*, the corpse made out of blood (yes, made out of blood) is gnarly*, and the Spencer's Gifts lightning isn't nearly as cheesy as the moniker implies.

Lest you think that Lifeforce is nothing but a naked effects extravaganza, however, let me assure you: this movie has a deeper message. That message is revealed when, as he tries to explain his attraction to Space Girl, Carlsen states:

She killed all my friends and I still didn't want to leave. Leaving her was the hardest thing I ever did.

See? It's all a metaphor for relationships. We've all had at least one of 'em: your girlfriend or boyfriend completely sucks the life out of you, all your friends hate him or her, your friendships fall apart and you're left weak, lethargic, and a mere shell of your former self...and yet, you stay with him or her for no reason beyond the fact that he's cute or she has great tits. Lifeforce lesson #4: relationships will kill you!

This film is probably Tobe Hooper's most ambitious (I'm not counting the shady mess that is Poltergeist) and it's a delightful (though a wee overlong) '80s romp, the likes of which you don't much see nowadays. There really aren't enough naked space vampires in the world of cinema today, don't you agree?

*this review brought to you by 1985 and the totally tubular Mountain Dew

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Film Club Coolies, yall!

Tractor Facts
Craig Moorhead
The Horror Section
Aphorisms and Ectoplasm
Awesomeness for Awesome's Sake
The Connoissewer
The Legend of Bloggy Creek
Boyfriends in the News
House of 1000 Courses
Headquarters 10
The Snark Hunter
(mim-uh-zeen)
Bloody Good Horror
Gorillanaut
Kill Everybody in the Whole World
This Is Just A Modern Rock Blog
Invasion of the B Movies
Cinevistaramascope
Overthinking It
StinkyLulu
Zombie vs Shark
Acheter et entretenir sa tronconneuse (c'est French, ca!)
Askewed Views
Horror Film Magazine

Day 5- "No one ever comes back."

In Danny Boyle's 28 Days Later (2002), a group of well-intentioned animal-rights activists set a chain of events in motion and ultimately cause the downfall of England- and maybe the world!- just like we always knew they would. Entering a laboratory in the dark of night, the activists release a bunch of monkeys and the such from all manner of cages and machinery. Shockingly, these chimps don't act like Clyde whatsoever- instead of mugging and sticking out their tongues, they go on the attack and make with the chomp chomp (le chomp-chomp, as the French call it). They've been infected with "rage", you see, which makes them mad...and bitey. Soon enough, virtually the entire population of England is mad and bitey and everything goes straight to h-e-double-hockey-sticks.


28 days later (omigawd, wait...that's the name of the movie!), Jim (Cillian Murphy) wakes up from a wee coma, only to find himself alone...alone and naked...in a devastated London. I've always wondered- why is he naked in his hospital bed? Did someone snatch his little hospital johnnie during the chaos of the infection outbreak? Or is it, like, a British thing? You know, like how they wear those wigs in the courtroom? Maybe all comatose patients must be nude?

Anyway, Jim explores the city, clueless as to what transpired while he was naked. Eventually he meets up with some peeps and they all decide to head to a survival outpost headed up by the Army. Upon reaching the camp, though, they find that the Army has gone mad- mad, I tells ya! Jim and Company have escaped the infected- but will they escape from the clutches of the camouflaged uninfected? Who will survive and what will be left of them?

Boyle's film (written by frequent collaborator Alex Garland) is often credited with rejuvenating the sagging zombie subgenre; this film is not tongue-in-cheek, and these zombies (and yes, they're not really zombies, I know, but it's sort of easier simply to describe them that way, all right?) are relentless, vicious, and they run. Yes, we can all thanks Boyle for spawning the "fast vs slow" zombie debate. Take a little bit of I Am Legend, a whole lot of George Romero, and you've got yourself one entertaining horror flick.

Yeah, a whole lot of Romero. While the "infected with rage" angle is fresh, the plot of 28 Days Later essentially apes (or is it pays homage to?) the story arc of Romero's Dead trilogy (Night, Dawn, and Day) in 100 minutes. 'Tis true. As in Night of the Living Dead, our protagonist is suddenly thrust into a nightmare as zombies go on the attack. Both Jim of 28 Days and Barbara (Judith O'Dea) of Night have to seek shelter as they try to figure out what's going on; eventually they become part of a plucky band of survivors who need to overcome their differences if they're going to stay alive.

28 Days recalls Dawn of the Dead as the band of survivors adjusts (as much as they can, anyway) to the "new" world. At times they border on complacency, but every once in a while they're confronted with the "infected", reminding them that things are no longer "normal". 28 Days even goes so far as to include a giddy "everything's free!" scene and a refueling-the-transportation sequence in which Jim must kill a child (as did Peter [Ken Foree] in Dawn), showing the extremes to which people will have to go in this zombified society in order to survive.


Obviously the last third of 28 Days is quite reminiscent of Day of the Dead- the Army has established a zombie-proof outpost, but the Army are more savage than the zombies themselves; who are the monsters? We are them and they are us! They've also captured a member of the infected in order to study and understand the enemy. Eventually, however, an act of sabotage within results in the barricades being breached, and the audience cheers as the Army jerks get what's coming to them.

I love the first half of this film. The sequences where Jim wanders the empty streets of London, alone and confused, are absolutely haunting. When he finally encounters the infected, it's nothing short of exhilarating- running zombies do get your blood pumping much more than the Romero Shufflers.

Omigawd, I want to start a band called The Romero Shufflers.

Though I've pointed out the echoes of the Dead trilogy in the film, 28 Days Later has a bit more character development than any of Romero's films. In truth, we don't learn very much about Jim, Selena (Naomie Harris), Frank (Brendan Gleeson), and Hannah (Megan Burns), but we end up caring for them regardless. There's more than a few heartbreaking moments in the film- quieter moments that put a personal touch on the tragedy.

The last third of the film- the Army bits- fall a little flat for me, as I felt I knew what was coming. The "we are them and they are us" theme has been approached in countless horror films, and I was just sort of waiting for the soldiers to get their comeuppances. It's still a good ride, however, and the attack sequences are vicious nail-biters- though you think you're seeing far more than you actually do.

28 Days Later can absolutely be credited with reviving the zombie film- it's the Scream of its respective subgenre. It's also a horror nerd's kind of film, as it inspires countless horror nerd discussions- what makes a zombie? Fast or slow zombies? And of course...

What's up with the nudie coma?

nunzapoppin'

I didn't watch the 1975 lesbo-possesso-vampiro flick Alucarda with the intent of reviewing it. I know, I know...this might be hard for you to hear, but...sometimes I watch things and I don't tell you about it. I'm not trying to keep secrets or anything, honest. It's simply nice sometimes to watch movies without having to apply my keen critical insight, not to have to come up with jokes on the fly or think up nicknames for people in the movie or find a way to place a real turd of a flick within the cinematic cultural landscape. In other words, you know, to just watch a damn film. Wah wah, it's so hard having a movie blog.

I hope this news isn't too shocking or duplicitous-seeming. Remember, it's me, not you, and we'll always be friends, I swear.

Anyway, the cover art for Alucarda has intrigued me for quite some time and as I was taught to always judge a book by its cover (GAWD I hope no ugly people read Final Girl), I decided to finally give the movie a try. My expectations were...not exactly low, necessarily, but seeing as that the DVD release hails from Mondo Macabro, I certainly had an idea of what was in store for me: super fake blood, tits, and any manner of "-ploitation" from all around the world. Don't get me wrong- Mondo Macabro flicks are a lot of fun (if you haven't seen Dangerous Seductress or Lady Terminator yet, I suggest you do so ASAP for a craptacular good time), but not typically something I'd review here. But dammit, slap my knee and call me Debralee Scott- there's something to this so-called Alucarda...and so here we are, together on The Internet, me writing and you reading. Whooda thunkit?

Welcome to the convent: they've got fun and games an odd, cave-like structure set deep in the countryside- a place where orphaned girls can live and learn about God from nuns who dress like blood-stained mummies and flagellate themselves somewhat regularly. New arrival Justine (Susana Kamini) and lifer Alucarda (Tina Romero) strike up a friendship that quickly evolves to include copious amounts of frolicking and secret-keeping. That spells trouble!

After crossing paths with a gypsy (Claudio Brook) who hints at the aforementioned trouble, the girls frolic their way into a crypt. Alucarda is drawn to a coffin and opens it- little does she know that the dessicated corpse inside is actually her mother. Oh noes! Opening the coffin releases some evil spirits or something, and Alucarda flips out.

Somehow, it seems, the girls have just been inducted into Satan's Junior Cadets. What does this mean? It means that Justine and Alucarda totally hate God now and invoke the name of Satan to the horror of the entire convent. It means the girls scream a lot and can't stand the sight of a crucifix. It means the gypsy magically appears in their room one night and helps the girls perform their blood pact in service to Satan: Justine and Alucarda get naked, cut each other, drink each other's blood a bit, and make out. I know how that reads on paper, yet somehow this scene managed to be about as erotic as an average episode of Matlock. The girls are then led to the gypsy camp where everyone is naked and hairy and dancing around in a circle; the orgy proper begins and Beelzebub appears- well, I wasn't sure if it was actually supposed to be Beelzebub or if it was a gypsy in a ceremonial Beelzebub mask, but I suppose it makes no difference. The girls are now officially Satan's Little Helpers!

Meanwhile, back at the convent, Sister Angelica (Tina French), ever protective of Justine and Alucarda, feels that evil is afoot and so she begins to pray super ultra hard. She prays so super ultra hard, in fact, that she begins to sweat blood and leviatate, which was pretty fucking cool. That actually happened to me right before I took the SATs- man, I was nervous about getting into the college of my choice.

Later on, the girls' behavior gets so outrageous (more screaming, more Satan's name-invoking) that the priests and nuns begin ruminating on the possibility that the girls are possessed. When Justine takes dreadfully ill, Dr Oszek (Claudio Brook) is called in to treat her; when his leeches don't seem to take care of the problem, it becomes clear: the girls are, in fact, possessed. That means...it's exorcismin' time!

Justine and Alucarda are each tied to a cross while the nuns writhe around on the floor and scream. Justine is stripped nude (naturally) and...poked with a nail or something (again, naturally) until she's dead. Dr Oszek rushes in and berates everyone for this bizarre exercise in making no sense; before they can kill Alucarda as well, he takes her away to his house and to safety.

Little does he know, however, that the members of the convent were right- the girls were possessed! Whilst lying in shroud and awaiting burial, Justine's body disappears; the nun who was attending the body is found burned to death. She springs back to life, however, and must be decapitated- this is enough to prove to Dr Oszek that science is bunk and there's definitely something supernatural going on here.

Sister Angelica finds Justine in the crypt, lying in a coffin full of blood. Justine scratches and bites Angelica to death before being killed- for good this time!- by some refreshing spritzes of holy water.

Alucarda, meanwhile, has befriended Dr Oszek's blind daughter Daniela (Lili Garza). The two return to the convent where Alucarda, still pissed off over Justine's death, lays the smack down all Sissy Spacek in Carrie style, tearing down the building and setting people on fire.

You know, if I ever had to be (or decided to be) possessed, I'd much rather follow Alucarda's example than that of Regan in The Exorcist. I mean, really. What did Regan do? She got gross and laid in bed all the time, that's what she did. Alucarda keeps her good looks, and all she has to do to set a nun on fire is glare and yell "Beelzebub!". She's a proactive minion of Satan, and Regan sure seems awfully lazy in comparison.

As Alucarda rampages, some nuns carry in the dead body of Sister Angelica. Angelica suddenly opens her eyes, and Alucarda simply can't stand up to Angelica's Super Stare of Piety. I think George Michael said it best when he said

'Cause I gotta have faith...
Mmm, I gotta have faith
'Cause I gotta have faith, faith
Mmm 'cause I gotta have faith-a-faith-a-faith-a

Alucarda is an odd duck to be sure, but one worth checking out if only for the visuals alone. Director Juan Lopez Moctezuma has created a bizarre, surreal world full of striking imagery, particularly in regards to the setting. At times it's blatantly artificial, an approach which, when coupled with the cast's tendency to overact, gives the film an almost fairy tale-like quality.

Despite the trashy overtones and the irritating amount of screaming (seriously, there's more screaming here than there was when The Beatles played Wembley in '64), it seems as if there just might be a deeper meaning to Alucarda. Mexican filmmakers of the era, after all, were much like American filmmakers of the era; by and large they sought to provide a viewpoint and/or social commentary in their work. Is Alucarda, then, perhaps an indictment of the Catholic Church? It's entirely possible that it is, particularly if one views the "possession" in the film as an allegory for "free love" or even homosexuality. On the other hand, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar and a movie about vaguely lesbian Catholic girls who become possessed by Satan and turn into fire-starting pseudo-vampires is just a movie about vaguely lesbian Catholic girls who become possessed by Satan and turn into fire-starting pseudo-vampires.