Day 5: "I've never felt like this before."

It's a wonder to me that Mausoleum and I have both been walking this planet since 1983, yet last night marked the first time we'd crossed paths. Approximately three minutes after I started playing the DVD, I realized that I'd found my one true soulmate. It doesn't matter where Mausoleum has been all my life- the important thing is that we've found each other at last, and we're now destined to walk the earth together!

Whilst visiting her mother's grave, li'l Susan decides she no longer wants to live with her Aunt Cora. She takes off running through the graveyard, stopping only when she hears someone whisper-singing her name. She peeks inside one mausoleum, but then spots another one across the way that's far more interesting in that it features its own weather system.

She enters the crypt, which is all lit up in greens and purples like the finest Spencer's Gifts. We learn that this is the tomb of the Nomed family...yes, NOMED. That's some seriously Nilbog shit, if you know what I mean.

Anyway, a clawed hand rises from the sarcophagus, things that defy explanation happen, and Susan's eyes light up all green and make a laser noise. The girl done went and got herself possessed!

Fast forward! Susan is now all grown up- she's portrayed by ex-Playboy Bunny Bobbie Bresee and she's married to Marjoe fucking Gortner. A charmed life, you say? It's easy to assume so, but there's a dark side to this fairytale existence! See, a woman of Susan's...err, attributes finds herself constantly subjected to the lechy gaze of creepy weirdo peeping tom gardeners and creepy weirdo Dan Haggerty-esque disco patrons.


All Susan wanted to do was go dancing with her husband (yes, Marjoe fucking Gortner disco dances!), but that Dan Haggerty-esque jerk made it so difficult that she was left with no choice but to use her magic green gaze to set his car on fire while he was locked inside.


The next day, the creepy gardener makes a bold pass at Susan while her husband is at work- her eyes get their green on and we know it's time for some demonic justice! But not before we bear witness to an eerily silent montage that clues us in as to just what, in fact, a gardener does with his day after making a pass at his employer:

He puts down fertilizer!

He mows the lawn!

He reads whilst eating lunch!

He takes a nap on the dock!

He sharpens his axe...

...and uses it!

Finally, Susan gets around to launching Operation: Get Back At The Grope-y Gardener: she strolls out onto her balcony wearing only a towel, then sips Riunite as if she's straight from a Jackie Collins novel.

Okay, in reality that's only Phase One of her plan. She continues the seduction approximately 9 hours later, when it's pitch black outside...insert helpful moon shot!

Susan's plan includes actually sleeping with the gardener- boy, this really teaches him a lesson! He suggests they partake in another round, but instead, Susan does her green-eyed thing, turns into some sort of a monster, and kills him with a garden implement. Okay, I guess that really teaches him a lesson.

Soon enough, Susan's victims don't actually have to trespass against her in order for her to unleash the NOMED lurking inside. Poor Aunt Cora, for example, shows up for a visit only to find herself floating around and killed dead thanks to her monsteriffic niece.



One person spared Susan's wrath is Elsie the maid (LaWanda Page...yes, Aunt Esther from Sanford & Son!). Intended as comic relief, Elsie is, in fact, a whopping slice of politically incorrect pie. Yet while she's given to saying things like "Great googily moogily!", Elsie is a rarity in that she's a black character who makes it 'til the end of the picture. When faced with a green fog emanating from Susan's bedroom, Elsie admits there's "Some strange shit goin' on in this house!", yells "No more grievin', I'm leavin'!", and splits.

There's so much more to Mausoleum, but I don't want to give away the whole package, as everyone should be allowed to discover it for him- or herself. Director Michael Dugan has truly given the world a gift! However, a few highlights:

- Susan undergoes hypnosis where she reveals her NOMED nature and corn teeth!

- There's the use of the term "facial fantasy"
- Dialogue includes "Yes...there's a history of possession."
- When possessed, Susan's depravity has no limits- she steals art from the mall!
- Something happens- I cannot reveal what it is, for you must witness it with your own eyes, but suffice it to say, it causes Marjoe fucking Gortner to pull what can only be called a Ridiculous Face of Pre-Death:

- While Mausoleum makes no sense as a whole, the very last shot of the film is so illogical that it actually defies the laws of science and mathematics. Even if you've never seen the film, your guess as to what the fuck is going on here is as good as mine:

- Then we get the end credits, which feature a tender song called "Free Again", written and sung by Frank Primato. It boasts lyrics like "Let's blow the fire dead...that's burning in my head..." and it's every bit as dreadful as you think it would be.

In case you haven't guessed, Mausoleum is a terrible, terrible film. The acting is horrendous, the dialogue atrocious, and the timing between the players is so off that every scene comes across like rejected audition tapes. There's a charm to Bobbie Bresee, but it's one borne of a performance that feels bathed in quaaludes. The sound is awful, as if there's a muted coffee pot percolating somewhere just off camera for the duration of the film. The direction is all but incompetent at times with dull compositions, pointless zooms and pans, and bizarre insert shots. The end of the film, featuring the "exorcism" (I use that term wicked loosely), takes 20 minutes but should only take seven. The creature effects, by genre vet John Carl Buechler, are '80s-style cheesy.

All of that is true, but oh how I loved this movie! I never wanted it to end, ever. On a scale of 1-10, I'd honestly rate it infinity. Lawd help me, it's true- the depths of deliciousness achieved are face-rockingly limitless. Forgive me, Shark Attack 3: Megalodon...step aside, Pieces...there's a new love of my life, and its name is Mausoleum!

horror movie cliche #2274: the moon shot

One of my favorite horror movie cliches is the obligatory moon shot, the director's way of letting you know that the action on-screen is taking place at night. I mean...how are we, the audience, supposed to know that it's night without seeing the moon? Lack of light outside, or darkened windows seen from the inside, or a throwaway comment by a character about the time of day simply aren't enough to prevent viewers from being confused as to what the hell is going on and where is the sun? The last thing that a filmmaker wants is a confused audience.

Mind you, said filmmakers obviously aren't taking into account those people who see a moon shot and conclude that the action is taking place on the moon- they're likely to remain confused.

Here is but a small sampling of moon shots found in horror films. Look for a moon shot in your favorite scary movie today!

And Now The Screaming Starts

Lovers Lane

Fido

Friday the 13th

Friday the 13th Part 6: Jason Lives

Friday the 13th Part 2

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre '03

Dark Ride

psssht

When I was but a wee bonny lass, the highlight of every summer in southeastern Connecticut was the glorious two weeks when Coleman Brothers Carnival rolled into town. I'd go with my parents and ride the rides, eat fried dough, and play the midway games, where I'd either get ripped off completely and win nothing, or I'd go home with a goldfish in a bag or maybe a giant stuffed knock-off toy, something poorly-made that kinda looked like Snoopy, but sort of deformed. When I was old enough I'd go with my friends and pretty much do the same things, except my prize of choice was now a Duran Duran mirror or a Madonna poster.

Coleman Brothers used to do it up right, appearing magically in an empty field overnight. They had a small sideshow for a while, complete with a few "freaks" and the ubiquitous mystery-baby-in-a-jar. They had the usual assortment of carnival rides, rides that were scary partially because they were simply thrilling and partially because you were sure they'd come flying apart and you'd fling off over the parking lot screaming towards certain doom, your last earthly thought being something like "Build a statue in my honor, southeastern Connecticut! Damn you, Round-Uuuuuppppppppp!" before landing with a huge splat.

My two favorite rides were The Zipper (the one where you sat in a cage that rotated freely while the entire ride rotated as well; it's also known as the ride that Cindy Y. barfed on one year), and, ahem...surprisingly enough, The Haunted House. Getting in the little car and banging through the doors into complete darkness was always a thrill; air vents would psssht into my face, a loud buzzer would go off just as a day-glo Frankenstein would reach out of the black, witches would cackle, the smoke machine would be on in full force, and string would dangle from the ceiling and get in my hair. The Haunted House was cheesy, loud, and completely terrifying; banging through the doors at the end of the ride, back to safety, somehow always felt like an achievement.

Most horror fans have seen Tobe Hooper's 1981 ode to carnival terror The Funhouse, a movie that begs the question "What's scarier, having an albino cleft-faced monster chasing you with murderous intent, or watching Sylvia Miles have sex?" It'd been about 25 years since anyone revisited the notion of setting a slasher flick in a carnival- specifically, in a carnival attraction- but last year's After Dark Horrorfest brought us Craig Singer's Dark Ride, a film that centers around the very kind of Haunted House ride I loved so much. Who knew the official name for these attractions is "Dark Ride"? And could that whole "It's been about 25 years" business make me feel any fucking older?

As the film opens it's 1989 and two young girls I quickly dubbed The Chewbacca Twins hop into the car that will bang through the doors of the Haunted House ride for some chills and thrills. I wasn't completely sure if the park was open or abandoned, for despite the fact that the park was located in Asbury Park, New Jersey- not exactly the middle of nowhere- The Chewbacca Twins were the only people walking around. No matter! The Twins are soon enough having air psssht in their faces and listening to mad cackling as they tool along the track. Chewbacca #1 is a bitch and teases her sister for being a big baby, though Chewbacca #2 isn't really acting like a baby. No matter! The car stops and suddenly someone grabs Chewbacca #1, hauling her out of her seat. Chewbacca #2 screams and continues along the ride. Within moments, the car stops again and we see Chewbacca #1 dead and splayed out in one of the Dark Ride's gruesome scenarios. How did the killer dispatch Chewbacca #1, get so far ahead of the car, and set-up a bloody diorama in 10 seconds? No matter! These things happen in slasher films.

It seems that after the murders the park was closed and the killer was committed to an insane asylum. I wonder what will happen next?

I don't mean that last bit to sound bitter or cynical, honestly. I was pretty excited about Dark Ride, as it was looking to be a straight-up, tried-and-true formulaic slasher flick set in a scary place- that's something not seen too often in horror nowadays. To me, slasher flicks are like comfy, pilly old sweaters- not necessarily the most flattering thing one can wear, but cozy just the same.

Keeping in line with tradition, Dark Ride's cast of characters are familiar to even the least savvy horror film fan: a group of college students comprising the usual assortment of stereotypes: the slut, the Final Girl, the movie geek/nerd, the stoner, the Final Girl's bland boyfriend. I must say, however, that our introduction to The Slut contained a visual far more shocking than the pre-credit Diorama of Death. Witness:




What, am I in Europe? Umm...it's called Lady Bic.

At any rate, the friends head out for the obligatory vague weekend getaway and stop at the obligatory creepy gas station. The Film Geek (Patrick Renna of The Sandlot) finds a flyer in the bathroom announcing the grand re-opening of the carnival's Dark Ride; why should they all spend the night wherever they were going to spend the night when they can break into the Dark Ride and spend the night there?

Along the way the crazy kids pick up a hitchiker, the Poor Man's Sheri Moon-Zombie to even up the boy-girl ratio. She talks about the band Phish, busts out the 'shrooms, and decides to tagalong on the overnight carnival stay.

Later on it's revealed that The Chewbacca Twins were, in fact, the Film Geek's cousins. He planted the flyer to ensure they'd go to the Dark Ride, for he wanted to visit the attraction to get some closure. He tells his friends that the killer's name was Jonah, and he was a deformed weirdo who lived in the carnival ride and killed people, which is not at all like The Funhouse, I swear.

And what of this so-called "Jonah"? Funny you should ask! Back at The Old Asylum Place, Jonah is visited by the obligatory sadistic orderlies. They taunt Jonah with a steak- see, his file says he's a strict vegetarian! Waving a rib eye in his face will drive him...even crazier! One whiff of the meat sends Jonah into a frenzy; he hulks out, busts his restraints, and punches holes through the evil orderlies.

While this may sound far-fetched, as a vegetarian I can attest that it's totally not. Let's just say that the IHOP in Amarillo is still picking up the pieces after sending bacon along with my scrambled eggs.

Anyway...Jonah has escaped the asylum! Cue the obligatory moon shot!

We all know how this goes, right? Kids die and there's a twist at the end that's right outta left field and makes little sense if you think about it for more than zero seconds. Again, there's nothing wrong with the typical formula is it's done well. Is it done well in Dark Ride? Sadly, I'd have to give that a mostly "no". There's a few genuinely scary sequences, but overall the film is a bit of a letdown. The different sections of the Dark Ride itself are eerie enough, but they never come together in a convincing space. This is mostly likely due to budgetary restraints, but I never got an impression of the ride as a whole. Too many times I found myself saying "Wait...where was that...who was that?", and the disjointed layout sucked the tension out of the few stalking sequences. In addition, there was simply too much light and the atmosphere was disappointingly unthreatening.

Carnivals and Haunted House rides seem to be prime horror film locations to me, and I'm kinda bummed that Dark Ride couldn't quite capitalize. Let's all hope we don't have to wait another 25 years for someone else to give it a shot.