like sisters

From David DeCoteau, director of The Brotherhood comes...dun dun dunnnnn...The Sisterhood, a tale of stuff that totally happens.

The stuff totally starts to happen right away as some girl and some guy are making out on some bed, when all of a sudden some other person in a robe comes in and the make out girl is all "I'm so sorry! Don't do anything to me or I'll tell all your secrets!" and she splits, but the robed figure chases the girl up to some rooftop and then the girl falls off onto some sidewalk and dies. The Sisterhood means business!

Some time later, Christine (Jennifer Holland) arrives at College University (or some shit), a place of higher learning that suspiciously resembles a chain hotel.

But no matter! It's what's inside College University that counts- and what's inside is Barbara Crampton, professor of Abnormal Psychology! Surely Barbara Crampton has a wizened old painting or two tucked away in her attic, because she apparently hasn't aged at all since her Re-Animator days.

...you are getting sleeeeepyyyyy...

During class- which is held in a room that suspiciously resembles a hotel conference room- a magic marker floats up and writes CHRISTINE on a dry erase board (that's right- no chalkboards at College University!). Christine freaks out and runs away- what's going on here? Was it a truly magic magic marker?

Christine runs back to her dorm room (which suspiciously resembles a hotel room) and promptly uses her brain power to light a candle. Christine, you see, has eerie powers! Did she write her own name on the dry erase board? Don't worry: the movie never tells you, but in the end, that's the only logical explanation. However, if that's true, then it's not logical that Christine would flip out over it. Don't worry: nothing in The Sisterhood makes sense.

Meanwhile, there's a sexy sorority on campus called BAT (Beta Alpha Tau or some shit) and they're interested in recruiting Christine. This turns out to be a fortuitous development, for Professor Barbara Crampton asked Christine to pledge- there's something hinky going on at the BAT house, and apparently only Chsitine and her eerie powers can stop it. What's the evil secret of the BAT house? You may want to sit down for this:

They sit around drinking wine and making out!

Yes, girls making out with other girls, even though they're girls. I mean...that's the evil that Professor Barbara Crampton is talking about, yes? And the "temptation" that Christine must avoid while she's in the company of BATs? It must be, because there's nothing else going on at the sorority whatsoever. I mean, when Professor Barbara Crampton says "You can't allow them to entice you into doing anything you've never done before, or you'll be one of them!" and it coincides with this shot:

...well, what are we supposed to think? Duh, it's all about catching The Gay. Not surprising, as this is a David DeCoteau film, and his films tend to be totally gay without being at all gay because gay doesn't sell but David DeCoteau is gay and makes gay stuff. Pick up The Brotherhood or any of the zillion sequels, put on some gay glasses, get out your homo decoder ring and see what you think. It's fun to spot veiled messages!

The messages at the BAT house don't stay veiled for long, however, and as a new pledge Christine is forced to stand by awkwardly and watch HBIC (Head BAT in Charge) Devin (Michelle Borth) make out with some other chick as techno music plays.

Then some wind appears out of nowhere, and the scene is still awkward and not at all erotic.

Devin tells Christine that they have to wait a week to perform the real initiation ceremony, because the ceremony requires a full moon. Of course, the moon has been shown in the film about 86945 times by this point, and it's already full.

And thus begins a cycle: Christine goes to the BAT house, there's making out, techno music plays, Professor Barbara Crampton reminds Christine to resist temptation, we wonder why Professor Barbara Crampton is so uptight, blah blah blah.

Devin has somehow gotten wind of Christine's eerie powers and asks for a display. Christine obliges, literally, turning into a display from Spencer's Gifts:

What are these eerie mind powers, I wonder. She sparkles and can light candles, but they're just called "mind powers"- not telekinesis, not telepathy...then I remember that The Sisterhood doesn't make any sense and I stop wondering.

It seems that Devin is truly evil- she sleeps with Christine's goody goody "I'm waiting for marriage" not quite boyfriend Josh, and she totally corrupts him! He goes from being a studious nerd:

...to walking around the hotel campus dressed all in all black. He keeps his shirt open, he stops caring about school, and he...and he...wears sunglasses!

This humiliation only strengthens Christine's resolve to fight against the temptation of wine-drinking and bisexuality, much to the relief of Professor Barbara Crampton. They have a meeting in which everything and nothing is explained: apparently Devin is immortal and has been corrupting innocents for 400 years, while the ancestors of both the teacher and the student have battled her throughout the centuries. Christine is all, "Oh."

Hooray, the moon is finally full(er) and it's time for the initiation ceremony. It looks like every other evil college initiation ceremony you've seen: there's the requisite robes, coffin, candles, and "belonging to the darkness"es.

But oh no for Devin! Somehow she didn't notice that one of the four robed figures is actually Professor Barbara Crampton, who reveals herself to be...Professor Barbara Crampton, Vampire Slayer. Yes, it seems that the BAT girls are all vampires. I would have noticed this earlier, except it wasn't even vaguely alluded to whatsoever for the first 80 minutes of the film.

The final showdown the world has been waiting hundreds of years to be is a real nail-biter. Christine uses her eerie mental powers!

This causes an Adobe lens flare.

This weakens Devin long enough to allow Professor Barbara Crampton, Vampire Slayer to plunge a stake into the vampire's heart. This causes Devin to turn into the opening title sequence from The Thing...

...and then she explodes. SHE EXPLODES.

Just when you thought the world was safe, however, things poop on your neck: the world is not safe! Christine makes a mad grab for power and becomes head of the BATs! She and her sisters head off into the sunset to presumably make out and drink wine, because that's all they ever do.

Just when you thought the world was unsafe, however, things poop on the poop on your neck: the world is totally unsafer! Apparently it takes more than exploding to stop the mighty Devin, who is still alive. Or undead. Or whatever the fuck she is.

What's odder than the fact that she survived being blown up, however, is that a girl was buried all bloody and fanged with a stake sticking out of her chest and nobody seemed to care. I guess the coroner and funeral home of College University Town are really phoning it in at this point.

Wait, I forgot- The Sisterhood doesn't make any sense! I know I've made it seem as if it might make a little sense, but it doesn't. It really doesn't. In fact, it feels as if there are large pieces of the script missing- huge leaps of logic in conversations that are cobbled together out of nothing.

Though there's lots of making out and wind machines and techno music and underwear-clad boys and girls, none of it is a turn on at all. No one ever has sex or really does much more than awkwardly kiss and sway back and forth while almost-hugging; it's odd, because you think that sex would be a big selling point of a movie like this. It's not even remotely the softcore movie you're pretty much expecting, but it acts like one. The Sisterhood is...I don't know, eunuchcore or something.

The biggest shock of all, however, is that this film was released in 2004. It feels so damn 1990s, from the music to the hair to the clothes (vests!) to that Melrose Place-esque arm-in-arm stroll out the gates of College University.

I really can't recommend The Sisterhood...or can I? I mean, I was entertained, just not in the way you want from a horror movie. Make of that what you will. The upside to all of this is that Barbara Crampton got a paycheck. Fuck yeah!

Day 5: "I've never felt like this before."

It's a wonder to me that Mausoleum and I have both been walking this planet since 1983, yet last night marked the first time we'd crossed paths. Approximately three minutes after I started playing the DVD, I realized that I'd found my one true soulmate. It doesn't matter where Mausoleum has been all my life- the important thing is that we've found each other at last, and we're now destined to walk the earth together!

Whilst visiting her mother's grave, li'l Susan decides she no longer wants to live with her Aunt Cora. She takes off running through the graveyard, stopping only when she hears someone whisper-singing her name. She peeks inside one mausoleum, but then spots another one across the way that's far more interesting in that it features its own weather system.

She enters the crypt, which is all lit up in greens and purples like the finest Spencer's Gifts. We learn that this is the tomb of the Nomed family...yes, NOMED. That's some seriously Nilbog shit, if you know what I mean.

Anyway, a clawed hand rises from the sarcophagus, things that defy explanation happen, and Susan's eyes light up all green and make a laser noise. The girl done went and got herself possessed!

Fast forward! Susan is now all grown up- she's portrayed by ex-Playboy Bunny Bobbie Bresee and she's married to Marjoe fucking Gortner. A charmed life, you say? It's easy to assume so, but there's a dark side to this fairytale existence! See, a woman of Susan's...err, attributes finds herself constantly subjected to the lechy gaze of creepy weirdo peeping tom gardeners and creepy weirdo Dan Haggerty-esque disco patrons.


All Susan wanted to do was go dancing with her husband (yes, Marjoe fucking Gortner disco dances!), but that Dan Haggerty-esque jerk made it so difficult that she was left with no choice but to use her magic green gaze to set his car on fire while he was locked inside.


The next day, the creepy gardener makes a bold pass at Susan while her husband is at work- her eyes get their green on and we know it's time for some demonic justice! But not before we bear witness to an eerily silent montage that clues us in as to just what, in fact, a gardener does with his day after making a pass at his employer:

He puts down fertilizer!

He mows the lawn!

He reads whilst eating lunch!

He takes a nap on the dock!

He sharpens his axe...

...and uses it!

Finally, Susan gets around to launching Operation: Get Back At The Grope-y Gardener: she strolls out onto her balcony wearing only a towel, then sips Riunite as if she's straight from a Jackie Collins novel.

Okay, in reality that's only Phase One of her plan. She continues the seduction approximately 9 hours later, when it's pitch black outside...insert helpful moon shot!

Susan's plan includes actually sleeping with the gardener- boy, this really teaches him a lesson! He suggests they partake in another round, but instead, Susan does her green-eyed thing, turns into some sort of a monster, and kills him with a garden implement. Okay, I guess that really teaches him a lesson.

Soon enough, Susan's victims don't actually have to trespass against her in order for her to unleash the NOMED lurking inside. Poor Aunt Cora, for example, shows up for a visit only to find herself floating around and killed dead thanks to her monsteriffic niece.



One person spared Susan's wrath is Elsie the maid (LaWanda Page...yes, Aunt Esther from Sanford & Son!). Intended as comic relief, Elsie is, in fact, a whopping slice of politically incorrect pie. Yet while she's given to saying things like "Great googily moogily!", Elsie is a rarity in that she's a black character who makes it 'til the end of the picture. When faced with a green fog emanating from Susan's bedroom, Elsie admits there's "Some strange shit goin' on in this house!", yells "No more grievin', I'm leavin'!", and splits.

There's so much more to Mausoleum, but I don't want to give away the whole package, as everyone should be allowed to discover it for him- or herself. Director Michael Dugan has truly given the world a gift! However, a few highlights:

- Susan undergoes hypnosis where she reveals her NOMED nature and corn teeth!

- There's the use of the term "facial fantasy"
- Dialogue includes "Yes...there's a history of possession."
- When possessed, Susan's depravity has no limits- she steals art from the mall!
- Something happens- I cannot reveal what it is, for you must witness it with your own eyes, but suffice it to say, it causes Marjoe fucking Gortner to pull what can only be called a Ridiculous Face of Pre-Death:

- While Mausoleum makes no sense as a whole, the very last shot of the film is so illogical that it actually defies the laws of science and mathematics. Even if you've never seen the film, your guess as to what the fuck is going on here is as good as mine:

- Then we get the end credits, which feature a tender song called "Free Again", written and sung by Frank Primato. It boasts lyrics like "Let's blow the fire dead...that's burning in my head..." and it's every bit as dreadful as you think it would be.

In case you haven't guessed, Mausoleum is a terrible, terrible film. The acting is horrendous, the dialogue atrocious, and the timing between the players is so off that every scene comes across like rejected audition tapes. There's a charm to Bobbie Bresee, but it's one borne of a performance that feels bathed in quaaludes. The sound is awful, as if there's a muted coffee pot percolating somewhere just off camera for the duration of the film. The direction is all but incompetent at times with dull compositions, pointless zooms and pans, and bizarre insert shots. The end of the film, featuring the "exorcism" (I use that term wicked loosely), takes 20 minutes but should only take seven. The creature effects, by genre vet John Carl Buechler, are '80s-style cheesy.

All of that is true, but oh how I loved this movie! I never wanted it to end, ever. On a scale of 1-10, I'd honestly rate it infinity. Lawd help me, it's true- the depths of deliciousness achieved are face-rockingly limitless. Forgive me, Shark Attack 3: Megalodon...step aside, Pieces...there's a new love of my life, and its name is Mausoleum!

Film Club: Lifeforce

Well kids, here we are- the very first Film Club flick chosen by the people, for the people. I certainly hope the people are satisfied with Tobe Hooper's 1985 naked space vampire epic Lifeforce.

Hooper heads back to Texas Chain Saw territory and opens the film with a dead serious voiceover by John Larroquette- or at least, I think it's him. According to imdb.com, Larroquette's involvement is "unconfirmed"- is this really an unsolved mystery after nearly 25 years? Has no one, you know, asked him? Regardless, the narrator quickly gives us the skinny on all the space stuff: a joint mission between Brits and Americans has sent the shuttle Churchill tooling towards Halley's Comet in order to check it out.

The Churchill gang makes a startling discovery: there's some sort of craft traveling along near the head of the comet. It's 150 miles long, 2 miles high, and practically begging to be explored. Colonel Carlsen (Steve Railsback) heads up an away team who board the alien craft, only to find:

• it's seemingly derelict
• it's seemingly organic
  
• there are humongous bat-like aliens on board, all dried-out and dead
• there are three nudies lying in stasis in giant crystals

The Churchill informs the away team that one end of the alien craft has opened up to form a large, fleshy umbrella; Carlsen decides it's time to get out of there, but not before they grab a bat husk and the nudies for examination. I'm guessing that in the end, this will prove to be a decision most unwise. Lifeforce lesson #1: should you happen across a naked man or woman encased in crystal, do not bring him or her home.



30 days later, the Churchill is found by another shuttle crew and it's in a terrible state: there's been a fire on board. The escape pod has been launched, but the state of the crew bodies makes it impossible to determine who, if anyone, may have made it out alive. The Crystal Nudies, however, remain intact and unharmed! Naturally they're brought back to London for examination; I'm guessing that in the end, this will prove to be a decision most unwise. Lifeforce lesson #2: The Crystal Nudies is, quite possibly, the best band name ever.

Once on the dissecting table, the beautiful, mysterious, and naked Space Girl (Mathilda May) proves to be decidedly not dead- or is that undead? Either way, the fact remains: she's alive. She grabs an enamoured guard (no one can resist her naked beauty!) and they start to make out. The next thing you know, everything has gone all Spencer's Gifts and there's lightning everywhere, like this:


The poor guard withers away as they make out- it seems that Space Girl is sucking the very life out of him...his lifeforce, if you will! He ends up dead and looking all caca, like this:

Space Girl makes her way out of the Space Research Centre and just like that, the very thing mankind has feared since the beginning of time has come to pass: there's a naked space vampire on the loose! We all knew this day would come eventually, yet we find ourselves so unprepared.

The SAS arrives on the scene, and Col Colin Caine (Peter Firth) is determined to figure out just what the eff is going on. As the autopsy on the dead guard begins, Caine learns at least one thing: the guard may be all beef-jerkified, but he sure ain't dead! He springs back to corpsey life, grabs the closest doctor, and makes with the lifeforce-suckage. As the doctor withers, the guard plumps up again and seems no worse for the wear, although he's understandably confused. Lifeforce lesson #3: space vampirism, like cooties, is easily passed from person to person.


The Churchill's escape pod lands in Texas with Col Carlsen on board. He's quickly brought to London to help piece together this evil naked space vampire puzzle; through flashbacks, we learn that The Crystal Nudies decimated the crew of the Churchill, leaving Carlsen with no choice but to set the shuttle on fire before busting a move out of there so the naked space vampires couldn't make their way to Earth. Nice try, Carlsen, but not good enough.

For the next hour or so, Carlsen and Caine chase Space Girl through London and beyond as she jumps from body to body. They meet lots of interesting characters along the way, from Patrick Stewart as the director of a mental hospital to a nurse at the same hospital who's really into being slapped around. As the alien fleshy umbrella space ship heads toward Earth, the space vampire plague quickly spreads throughout the city and London falls under martial law. People are going nuts running around, fires are breaking out everywhere, and there's a Spencer's Gifts bonanza in the sky- in other words, it's an awful lot like the Cabbage Patch Kid riots of '83.

Can Carlsen and Caine save the world from The Crystal Nudies? Find out in the explosive, ambiguous, and all-nude finale!

The worst thing I can say about Lifeforce is that it absolutely overstays its welcome; at nearly 2 hours, it's more than a bit bloated and parts of it drag like nobody's business.

On the other hand, it's a hell of a lot of fun- I mean, is there ever a time when naked space vampires aren't fun? The effects hold up surprisingly well for a flick from the mid-80s. The animatronic corpses are rad*, there are all manner of space vampire dustings that are bitchin'*, the corpse made out of blood (yes, made out of blood) is gnarly*, and the Spencer's Gifts lightning isn't nearly as cheesy as the moniker implies.

Lest you think that Lifeforce is nothing but a naked effects extravaganza, however, let me assure you: this movie has a deeper message. That message is revealed when, as he tries to explain his attraction to Space Girl, Carlsen states:

She killed all my friends and I still didn't want to leave. Leaving her was the hardest thing I ever did.

See? It's all a metaphor for relationships. We've all had at least one of 'em: your girlfriend or boyfriend completely sucks the life out of you, all your friends hate him or her, your friendships fall apart and you're left weak, lethargic, and a mere shell of your former self...and yet, you stay with him or her for no reason beyond the fact that he's cute or she has great tits. Lifeforce lesson #4: relationships will kill you!

This film is probably Tobe Hooper's most ambitious (I'm not counting the shady mess that is Poltergeist) and it's a delightful (though a wee overlong) '80s romp, the likes of which you don't much see nowadays. There really aren't enough naked space vampires in the world of cinema today, don't you agree?

*this review brought to you by 1985 and the totally tubular Mountain Dew

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Film Club Coolies, yall!

Tractor Facts
Craig Moorhead
The Horror Section
Aphorisms and Ectoplasm
Awesomeness for Awesome's Sake
The Connoissewer
The Legend of Bloggy Creek
Boyfriends in the News
House of 1000 Courses
Headquarters 10
The Snark Hunter
(mim-uh-zeen)
Bloody Good Horror
Gorillanaut
Kill Everybody in the Whole World
This Is Just A Modern Rock Blog
Invasion of the B Movies
Cinevistaramascope
Overthinking It
StinkyLulu
Zombie vs Shark
Acheter et entretenir sa tronconneuse (c'est French, ca!)
Askewed Views
Horror Film Magazine

Film Club: The Manitou

Oh, William Girdler, how I miss you and your work. Grizzly, Day of the Animals, Abby (or I as like to call it, The Blaxxorcist), Three on a Meathook, The Manitou...in a mere 6 years you delivered a lifetime's worth of horror schlock. What would you have given the world had your life not been cut tragically short in a helicopter crash? I can only dream!

The key word of that paragraph, of course, is "schlock". Schlock certainly isn't to everyone's tastes, and it's not usually...well, good. If there's one thing you can say about Girdler's cinematic output, however, it's that he brought us schlock con gusto. You might not actually enjoy The Manitou, say, but chances are you've never seen anything quite like it and you probably never will again. To that notion you might say "Well thank fucking Christ for that", while I myself say "Oh, William Girdler, how I miss you and your work".

Poor Karen Tandy (Susan Strasberg) wakes up one day to find some sort of lump on her back- a tumor or something that not only grows at a ridiculously fast rate, but also "kind of moves sometimes". Can I get an "Eww!" up in here?

Her ex-boyfriend Harry (Tony Curtis) is a sham psychic who spends his days bilking gullible, needy old ladies out of their dough by giving Tarot readings whilst decked out in a fake moustache and a fancy zodiac-laden robe. Harry is drawn into Karen's drama when a client, Mrs Herz (Lurene Tuttle)...uh, when Mrs Herz starts chanting the same nonsense Karen has been chanting at night and then...Mrs Herz screams, floats down a hallway, and throws herself headlong down a flight of stairs. As you can imagine, the scene is fucking awesome.




Seriously, I was clapping like a simpleton for, like, ten minutes.

Doctors determine that Karen's tumor isn't a tumor at all- it's actually a fetus. It's a fetus, growing on her back. Now, I've got nothing against motherhood whatsoever- I mean, if my mother wasn't into motherhood then...you know...chances are I wouldn't be here. If you want to have a baby, go for it. Me? I'm not at all interested in having a baby grow where it's supposed to grow, never mind growing on my fucking back. I would have been shrieking "Get it off me!" every second of every day until the thing was gone gone gone.

Karen is pretty much on my wavelength; the problem is, every time the doctors attempt to remove the thing, the fetus-tumor-lump wreaks havoc in the operating room. A surgeon cuts himself with the scalpel, a surgical laser starts zapping all over the place...it seems that the fetus-tumor-lump is on Karen's back to stay.

Harry seeks advice and aid in all manner of places in his quest to de-lumpify his lady love. He and his sham psychic colleague Amelia (Stella Stevens, all gypsy-fied in what is, essentially, black face lite) hold a seance at Karen's Aunt's house in an attempt to figure out what's going on. Despite a crazy light show and a weirdo-melty dude rising from the table, the gang doesn't learn much. Meanwhile, I learn that I can come up with a good number of Elizabeth Taylor jokes to make at Ann Sothern's expense, so all is not lost.

The Scooby Gang then hits up Dr Snow (Burgess Meredith), a cranky professor of something or other who, in one of his books, once mentioned a Native American medicine man being birthed out of a tumor on someone's arm or some shit. Seriously, by this point logic is your enemy; don't fight it- just go with it.

Dr Snow suggests that The Scooby Gang get their own Native American to do battle with the medicine man that's going to burst out of Karen any minute now, so Harry enlists the aid of John Singing Rock (Michael Ansara), who reluctantly agrees to do said battle.

At that point, I made a joke about John Singing Rock not being called John Singing Rock anymore because he's too old...now, he's called John Singing Adult Contemporary. I don't know if it's a good joke or not, but you can feel free to steal it when you show The Manitou to all your friends.

So. John Singing Rock and Harry head to the hospital to save Karen and the world, the medicine man busts a move out of Karen's back...and that's when things get weird. What, you thought it was already weird? You ain't seen nothin' yet, honey.

The last 20 minutes of The Manitou really need to be seen to be believed- any attempt at explanation is sure to fall miserably short, but let's say it's somewhat akin to sitting in a 1970's era Spencer's Gifts which turns into a kaliedoscope before your very eyes and then the kaliedoscope explodes. There's a dude in a lizard suit, the worst fake ice you'll ever hope to see, a jacked-up medicine man midget, decapitations, typewriters with souls, and a naked Susan Strasberg sitting on a floating bed shooting lasers at a big eye. Sometimes, my friends, all is right with the world.



It's pure madness, I tells ya. The Manitou makes no sense from the get-go, but then, somehow, by the time it's over it ends up making even less sense. I suppose you could glean some kind of science vs religion argument out of the whole thing, but really, what's the point? Again, just go with it.

And really, if elderly people floating down hallways and naked women shooting lasers at jacked-up midgets aren't reason enough to make you want to cram The Manitou down your pants, then it's obvious that you have no soul.

Oh, William Girdler, how I miss you and your work.

Film Club Coolies, y'all!

Look Back in Anger
Kindertrauma
Anchorwoman in Peril!
Meg Wood's Boyfriends in the News
Aphorisms and Ectoplasm
Askewed Views
Bloody Mary