Day 29: "It's gonna get in here...it's gonna kill us."

When I watch a kick ass little movie like Splinter (2008), I wonder why there's so much moaning and groaning about the state of modern horror. Yes, there's plenty of direct-to-DVD caca out there- not to mention the output from the major studios- but man, there's also gold in them thar whatevers. The genre is certainly riding an upswing, I've come to think, so I'm gonna stop my bitching. Things certainly aren't any worse than they were in, say, 1988. There are more remakes, sure, but the indie scene is thriving. So there.

A trashy couple carjacks a yuppie-ish couple, but they don't get far before an overheated radiator forces them off the road. They stop at a gas station/convenience store in the middle of nowhere, only to find the attendant has been turned into...something poky and deadly. There's a mysterious parasite on the loose that immediately transforms the hosts into splinter-laden abominations. Everyone holes up in the store and simply tries to survive the night.

If John Carpenter's The Thing had a baby with the baby that Romero's Night of the Living Dead and Zach Snyder's Dawn of the Dead had, then that baby would be Splinter. It's a tried-and-true formula- people must overcome their differences and work together to survive!- but somehow this creature feature feels as fresh as a blood-soaked daisy made out of fleshy bits.

It's almost a miracle when characters are actually more than just tolerable- in Splinter, the characters actually have small arcs, acting in ways you may not expect when you meet them early on. For once, the a-hole with the gun stops being an a-hole when the shit hits the fan. People really do work together as they try to figure out a way out of the mess- you know, like they might in real life.

Syfy Channel has wrapped their tentacles around this flick and they air it from time to time as a "Syfy Original"- if that's the only way you watch Splinter, however, you're really cheating yourself out of some killer effects. There's plenty of cringe-inducing goodness here, and the creature- when you can see it- is mind-blowing. I only wish you could see it a bit more; whenever there's an action sequence, we get "action cam", and it's too frenetic at times. It would've been nice if the monster(s) truly had their moment in the spotlight, when we could get a really good look at 'em.


Still, that's really my only complaint here- well, maybe that it was all over too quickly. Splinter's 80 minutes flew by, and the proceedings never dragged. It's just...a damn good movie. Yeah, they're making those now.

Eau Spa Ritz-Carlton Palm Beach

Not all spas are created the same. In Eau Spa's case, its design is quite different from the norm. Usually we expect to find serenity in quiet Zen-like rooms; but Eau Spa, which opened this March in the Ritz-Carlton Palm Beach, uses whimsical design and sunny open spaces to relax its guests.

The Eau Spa offers top end, luxury facials and body treatment from its Bejeweled Collection by incorporating minerals derived from platinum and either diamonds, rubies, or pearls to rejuvenate your complexion and heal your body.

For those of you who'd like to experience Eau Spa on a tighter budget, the Eau Spa also offers day passes for $75, where you can enjoy the bath lounge, ponds, waterfalls and saunas. For an extra charge, you can design your own scrub from the Scrub and Polish Bar. We're partial to their signature scent, Green Tea and Lemongrass; but they also offer vanilla and ginger, citrus and eucalyptus, and lavender and mint. Another option is to sample from their bite sized beauty menu, a sampling of 25 minute mini spa treatments including facials and massages.

Through the end of November, Eau Spa is extending its summer specials. Our favorite is the buddy discount which gives you and your friends a 10% discount if you come together. Find out more information at EauSpa.com.

Feel like makin' lists...

Feel like makin' lists for READERS!

(You're supposed to say that to the tune of that Bad Company song, but it probably didn't translate well. Eh. Whose fault is that?)

Anydingle, Real Simple Magazine wanted me to recommend 10 Halloween movies for their online readership. Now, there are some catches. First, without just listing ALL of the Halloween sequels, coming up with 10 movies based around the holiday is a wee difficult. Second, Real Simple's readership is not...Rue Morgue's readership, dig? I couldn't select anything gory- sorry, Night of the Demons, though Halloween movie you may be, the lipstick stunt would cause the ladies to blanch and take to their fainting couches. Soooo, I made it a list of good horror movies to watch on the 'ween for people who don't normally watch that sort of thing. It was a fun challenge and I was psyched they asked me.

Read it here, and mouth off about what YOU would have put on the list.

GETTT OUUUUTT!

You heard me- get out and head over to AMC, where this week I've cooked up a little guide to some of my favorite haunted houses (for haunted hotels, get in your Wayback Machine). I do so enjoy a haunted house movie. It's one of my favorite subgenres.

Okay, so they're pretty much ALL my favorite subgenres because I fucking love horror movies! I do. You may not have known that up until this point, but it's true. I really dig horror movies, and they make me quite happy (except when they don't, but even then they kinda do). Hey horror movies- you're the best! *Slaps horror movies on the ass*

Anyway, That's not all I've got cooking at AMC this week, oh my stars no. I've also cooked up a couple of quizzes to test your horror trivia mettle. Answer correctly...and quickly, for if the timer runs out on either quiz, your computer will explode in your face. That's right- I'm like the bastard lovechild of Jigsaw and Alex Trebek!

*shudder*

Anyway again, there's a short, easy, breezy, and beautiful quiz about slasher movie quotes, and there's the Halloween ultimate fan quiz. Halloween nerds will likely kick butt, but I tried to throw in some obscurities.

Report back with your results...unless you went and got yourself exploded.

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Hugh Jackman and Daniel Craig Live and On Stage

Last night we went to see A Steady Rain with Hugh Jackman and Daniel Craig. We'll be honest and say we only went to see the show because of their combined hotness. And the stars--who both made People's Sexiest Men Alive 2008 list--did not disappoint. We went in liking them both equally. We left understanding why Hugh was on the cover of last year's issue or People and Daniel was relegated to the inside. Simply put: He's beautiful.

As for the play...meh. It was the two of them, and the two of them only, on stage for 90 minutes in a cop drama. The acting was strong, but the plot was weak and predictable. We could tell what was going to happen about 15 minutes in. What impressed us the most, aside from Hugh's backside, was that neither Hugh nor Daniel required a glass of water throughout the entire play. Now that's endurance!

After the show, Hugh and Daniel remained on stage to do their pitch for Broadway Cares, Equity Fights Aids. To raise money, they auctioned off the sweaty wife beaters they each wore under their shirts throughout the show. (Yes, we were dying inside.) Included in the deal was a backstage tour and they also offered to autograph their tank tops. We tried to convince our friend, Laura, that the wifebeaters would make a perfect wedding gift, but no dice. (She didn't think our fiancé would appreciate them.)

The tanks eventually sold for $3,000 to two lucky bidders who generously agreed to take one wifebeater each. We think Hugh's should have sold for more!

Day 28: "He's hunting us."

Okay kids, I'm going to try something a little different for today's film, Wrong Turn 3: Left for Dead. I'm gonna do a sort of live blog, just kind of typing my thoughts as they happen whilst I watch the movie. It'll be a bullet pointstravaganza that's so in the moment you'll feel as if you're right here with me gettin' yer deformed backwoods cannibal on. Won't that be neat? Yes, it will.

Now, I haven't heard good things about this film. As you may or may not know (or care), I'm a fan of the original film...don't know if I've ever mentioned it, but I'm not a fan of the second one. Such is life. I'm inclined to think that the series probably should have ended after two films at most, but who knows? Perhaps I'm about to dig in to one surprisingly awesome movie. If the cover is any indication, then the series is really getting back to its roots- you know, a brunette in a tank top and all that (I mean, really??). Anyway, enough intro. Time to hit play!

Oh yes...there will be spoilers.

• Wow, this opens with some ragin' water kayaking. How very The Descent!
  
• The woman get topless and smoke a joint while the men look for firewood. The acting (and dialogue) are so atrocious, I can only hope they get killed quickly...and they do! Or at least titso does...arrow through the breast and through the eyeball.
  
• There's the archer cannibal dude, munching on said eyeball. Wow...that looks like a latex mask. And there goes the last remaining shred of mystique the Wrong Turn killers had...
• Holy shit, the picture is pixelated something bad...hopefully that's just because I'm watching a screener copy.
• Okay, the sliced-n-slowly-fall-apart death is in effect, and it's truly some of the worst CGI I've seen in a while. Stan Winston is flipping this shit off from heaven.
• Not even seven minutes in. This does not bode well.
• Aaaaaaaand we're at a prison. It seems that the hispanics and the caucasians do not get along.
• So there's going to be some sort of a prisoner transfer...I'm guessing that the bus is going to crash or get hijacked or something something, resulting in a WRONG TURN into Cannibal Country. Let's see how my prediction pans out.
• Oh. My. God. The driving in the bus sequence is some seriously...it's not even greenscreen. It's like...car driving shit from the old days- sitting in a fake car while a moving road is projected on a screen behind them. OH. MY. GOD. What the fuck was the budget on this? 50 cents and a pack of gum?
• Ugnnnnnn backlot.....
• Wow, no signal on the cell phone. Shocking.
• Okay, yup, the bus is getting run off the road by a truck driven by the cannibals. Mmm hmm.
• Everyone's out of the bus...oh no, now the prisoners are in charge! This is such an unexpected turn of events. They'll get theirs, I'm sure- hopefully soon. Probably in shocking ways, like a sudden arrow through the face or some such.
• The bus exploded...is it just me, or are explosions in movies rarely exciting?
  
• Annnnnd tank top just came running out of the woods. Yeah, right into the mass of hardened prisoners who, uh, haven't seen a woman in a while. She'd be better off with the cannibals.
• Oh, she's a bad actress. Eliza Dushku, where are you? We desperately need your two facial expressions!
• I hate all of these people. I can't wait for them to die. This doesn't make for a pleasurable viewing experience, especially when all they do is blah blah blah. It's blah blah blah but it's not character development, which would be fine...instead, it's just people yelling at each other. Wheeeee!
  
• Cannibal child was lying in wait underneath some leaves...just in case someone happened to wander by this neck of the woods, I guess.
  
• Ooh, the prisoners are slowly killing the cannibal child. Who are the monsters now? WHOOOOO?
• Another sliced-n-slowly-fall-apart death? Okay, it's just the face, but still. Merrrr.
• I guess it's just the one cannibal in this flick (aside from the child). It's one of the original dudes...Snaggleface? Three-toe? One Eye? T-Boz? I don't know...one of 'em.
• Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. 50 minutes in.
• Boy, with all the woods to walk around in, people always manage to walk right into traps. Weird.
  
• Okay, days 29, 30, and 31 better blow my fucking mind, lest SHOCKTOBER die a horrible death. It's not supposed to be this way!
• This movie is nothing but jerks running through the woods at night. There's no suspense, there's no atmosphere, there are no scares...sheesh. Please excuse me- I'm going to zone out now and think back to the original film...specifically, the scene in the house, where the kids are exploring and then the cannibals come home and they all have to hide and be quiet and the cannibals start eating one of their friends and they're forced to watch...yeah...zoning....zooooooo...ninnnnnng....
• Oh dear lord, she's such a bad actress.
• I wonder if that's a deliberate homage to Cannibal Holocaust.
  
• How many shells can a pump action shotgun hold?
• Annnnd the cannibal has kidnapped the girl. Scream scream, drag drag, lick lick, eww eww.
• Gosh, can't have a horror movie without an eeeevil house with a room made just for torturin' nudies!
• So many instances of characters punching each other where the fist is clearly kept about 18 inches away from the face.
• Well, there's lots of blood, I'll say that much.
• Wow, it's surprisingly easy to take off the top of someone's skull.
• Gosh, I guess the bad guy is dead...with ten minutes left...
• OH. MY. GOD. Really? REALLY??? So the heroes drive off in a truck (more bad car effects)...then a few miles away from the house the cannibal is STANDING IN THE ROAD?? This is not possible. THIS IS NOT POSSIBLE. NOT POSSIBLE. FOR MANY REASONS. And he jumps on the speeding truck? And there's atrocious CGI?
• Okay, I guess he's dead now.
  
• Ah, another vehicle explodes. Excitement.
• This really needs to be the last Wrong Turn. Really. No, really. This series needs to be euthanized.
• Annnnnnd there's the lame fucking coda that leaves the door open for another film.

Whew, I made it! For a while there, I didn't think I would. Don't you feel like you watched it with me? Aren't you glad you didn't actually watch it with me? You should be. Wrong Turn 3 is a big pile of dook. Horrible, horrible, horrible...in case you couldn't tell what I thought from this post.