The Year in Horror: 1986

I can't do math. I know, this is not at all shocking. After all, I'm a girl and it's just a fact that girls can't do math. However, I took that concept to moronic new highs (or lows) recently when I had a bright idea for a post topic. See, the idea had something to do with choosing a movie released 25 years ago- I figured it'd be easy, as 25 years ago was, what...1967? '68? Something like that. Maybe I'd write about Night of the Living Dead or Rosemary's Baby or something else equally ca-lassic. Just when I smushed my face up all thinking really hard-style about which movie to choose, however, my brain slapped me across the face. What kind of time-warp shit was going on? My brain was all, "Bitch, 1968 is more than forty years ago. Where are you getting this "25 years" from? 25 years ago, it was 1986. Idiot! Now ice me up some cream."

Apparently in my world, the last decade or so has not occurred. 1986! Nineteen eighty effing six! It doesn't seem possible that it was 1986 25 years ago- especially since I am only 23 myself- but I assure you...I have consulted my science calculator and it is most certainly the case.

Then I got a bit whiny. 1986? No good movies came out in 1986. Nothing good whatsoever came out of 1986! The mid-eighties were a cultural wasteland! They were nothing but a big, dark pit filled with Glass Tiger cassettes, snap bracelets, and Z Cavaricci pants. Why, it's shudder-inducing, I tells ya!

This line of thinking was interrupted by yet another wallop from my brain- "1986 was actually a damn good year for horror, you dolt. Now where's that ice cream?" My brain is right about that, mostly. Take my hand, won't you, and let's travel back a whopping 25 years to 1986!

The sequels

Okay, the sequels that hit in '86 were very comme ci, comme ça if you know what I mean. Some are classics of cinema- such as Aliens, in which one Ellen Ripley became a bona fide example of the elusive "strong female character" and my burning dislike of Paul Reiser was born.


Then other sequels...well, the Friday the 13th series pooped out its sixth entry, Jason Lives, a film that is more beloved than it deserves simply because it had the good sense to be released after the dreadful Part V: A New Beginning. I cannot speak knowledgeably on Lamberto Bava's Demons 2, but someday I hope to rectify that. That's right, someday! Someday I'll see it, I just know I will! Verily, I brought a big bag of hope to this blog post.

Poltergeist II is...well, it's there and it's worth a watch, not the least reason why is the tequila worm scene (if you haven't seen it, I'll leave that up to your imagination). 1986 also brought us The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2, which is not like the first one, I'll give it that. Psycho 3 brought about a bit of WTF-ery with its "Oh, wait...is this a black comedy?" approach, and the less said about Howling II: Your Sister is a Werewolf, the better...but Silent Night, Deadly Night 2 is another matter entirely. Friends, it's always Garbage Day in my heart.

The slashers

While the films of Freddy Krueger, Jason Voorhees, and Michael Myers would be churned out for years to come, by 1986 the slasher film was in its death throes and original films within the genre were scarce. Mind you, if the so bad I forgot I even saw it 1986 flick Terror at Tenkiller is any indication, the demise of the slasher was probably a good thing. On the other hand, April Fools Day also hit in '86, and we all know how much I love that movie. I SAID WE ALL KNOW.

Ahem. Oh yeah, and remember that time I made a whole bunch of you watch Slaughter High for Film Club? That was fun. Shut up, Slaughter High is the best movie ever even though it stinks. I mean, "C'mon you guys, let's par-deeeeeeee!"...how can you not want to marry it?

The sci-fi-ers

I'm not sure why, but sci-fi/horror movies were big, big, big in 1986. I mentioned Aliens, but let's not forget David Cronenberg's The Fly, which holds up remarkably well despite the dueling fluff-mullets of Jeff Goldblum and Geena Davis. In the words of Pauline Kael, "That shit be classic, yo." Besides, I'm pretty sure that disliking Geena Davis in any capacity will put you on Homeland Security's radar as probably a terrorist.

Stuart Gordon rode the freaky train to H.P. LovecraftTown (I don't know what that means) with From Beyond, which scarred my young brain in several capacities. Critters did their thing in Critters, Martian invaders invaded in Invaders from Mars (from Tobe Hooper!). There were wicked huge gorillas running amok in Link and King Kong Lives (which, the particularly astute among you may notice is also a sequel). And then there was Night of the Creeps. Thrill me, indeed.

More, more, more

Look, I have no idea if Wes Craven's Deadly Friend is good, bad, neither, or somewhere in between. I have not seen it since I saw it 50,000,000 times when it came out and all I really remember is this: Kristy Swanson getting pushed down the stairs by her father was some high fucking tragedy, and Anne Ramsey gets her head blowed up real good by a high-speed basketball. Other than that? I have no idea. Those memories themselves may be erroneous! I suppose I could watch it again to see, but I'd almost rather have it live in my memories, only brought to the fore about when someone says "Have you seen Deadly Friend?", to which I will emphatically reply "I LOVE THAT MOVIE!" even though that should probably be in the past tense. Loved. I loved that movie.

Man, The Hitcher, amiright? Good, good stuff. And that scene. You know the one. This one, which also qualified as high tragedy to my young mind:


I can't believe I never really thought about it much before my recent math...problem, but y'all, 1986! It gave us gold, it gave us crap. Witchboard, House, Gothic (I frickin' hate Gothic. I've tried and I've tried, and I just do not like it. Is it me? I feel like that movie is beloved, at least on a cult level, though the reasons for this obviously escape me), Maximum Overdrive (!!!), Trick or Treat, Troll...those really were the days and this journey down Memory Lane sure was fun. Next up, I'll celebrate the 5th anniversary of 1978!

SHOCKtober: My GD Top 20

I received numerous- and I do mean numerous as in "consisting of great numbers", from the Latin "numerosus"- lite complaints about how got-danged difficult it was to come up with a Top 20 favorites list. 20 seems like a large enough number, but you're talking about your favorite genre, 20 ain't nothin'. It was part of my plan all along to include a list of my Top 20 and let me tell you, my friends- I feel your pain. I wrote down a whole bunch of titles without thinking much about it- basically, whatever favorites popped into my head immediately- and found that I had written over 30 of them. Then came the culling and man...it was tough.

I didn't want to put any parameters on my selections; I didn't want to leave a movie out because it's a typical Top 20 choice. I didn't want to include something simply because it's a "classic" and it's "good". If my list consisted of 11 Friday the 13th films and 9 Nightmare on Elm Streets, so be it (it doesn't). When narrowing it down, I eventually took to comparing titles in pairs in a head-to-head cage match for a place on the list- which do I like better, this...or that? The winner made the list, the loser stuck in runner-up land. It really was not easy, and on paper my list is a mess of scribbles and crossings-outs and writes and re-writes. I look at it here and I feel pretty good about it, but then I can hear Let the Right One in banging on my door, crying "Let Me In!"...SEE WHAT I DID THERE.

These aren't in any particular order. I've written about most of these movies before- some so many times I really don't have anything groundbreaking to say about them here. Click the links if you want to know more, whether it's a review or my willies list or scenes I love or some such.


The Exorcist (1973, William Friedkin)

This is one of those "Well, it's such a typical list choice, I shouldn't choose to list it" movies, but you know...fuck that. It's a masterful study of religion and man's place in the universe as well as a parable about puberty.

Oh yeah...and it's terrifying.

For me, it remains one of the very few movies I'd rather not watch alone with the lights off. It still gets under my skin, after all these years; I never seem to get desensitized to it, and that's a very good thing.

The Texas Chain Saw Massacre (1974, Tobe Hooper)

This move is so damn powerful and so damn important to the genre that it's still regularly ripped-off more than 30 years since it was made (seriously, if I never see another "crazy family dinner scene" again, I'll be happy).

It was made with little money under excruciating circumstances for the cast...and it's in the permanent collection of the Museum of Modern Art, which...I don't know. Proves something or other, I'm sure. The low budget quality gives the film its infamous verité feel- countless people have wondered if what they're watching is real. Yes, those people are gullible to the point of stupidity, perhaps, but there's no denying the snuff-like, almost forbidden quality of TCM. Leatherface remains one of the scariest, most fucked-up movie monsters ever to grace the screen, and Sally Hardesty remains one of the most resolute final girls. The Texas Chain Saw Massacre remains a slice of cinematic perfection.

The Shining (1980, Stanley Kubrick)

For me, The Shining is a gift that keeps on giving. When I was but a wee bonny lass, the more obvious hallmarks were the things that kept me up at night: the Grady sisters, the axe through the door, the water-logged dead woman. Over the years, those scenes and images remain some of my favorites, sure, but every time I watch the film I have a new favorite thing, a new favorite scene or moment- why, right now, I'm all about the symmetry and Shelley Duvall. Oh, and the poster above Dick Halloran's bed. And the score. And Danny's sweaters. And...


Friday the 13th: Part II (1981, Steve Miner)

Even among horror fans, the Friday the 13th films have the reputation of being a bit scuzzy, a little sleazy, and the generally the least that the genre has to offer. They're pretty stupid, the characters are paper-thin at best, and they amount to little more than teenagers and assorted weirdos getting butchered in increasingly ludicrous ways by a maniac who shouldn't even exist. You know, I can't really disagree with any of that, but it doesn't prevent me from having a Friday the 13th-shaped place in my heart. Perhaps it's largely due to nostalgia, having grown up with a few years' worth of Fridays; perhaps I don't care. Part II, wherein a sack-wearing Jason Voorhees takes up the machete to avenge his mother's death is, to my mind, a quintessential slasher flick.

Martyrs (2008, Pascal Laugier)

I know- I keep talking about this film without ever really saying anything substantial. One of these days I swear I'll give Martyrs the write-up it deserves (or, I suppose I should say: the best write-up I can give it), but now is not the time. Thought-provoking, horrifying, moving, astounding- this movie knocked me on my ass the first time I saw it and while I was sure I'd never want to watch it again, I couldn't stop thinking about it. The next thing I know, I was watching it again. The second time around, it knocked me on my ass again for reasons far beyond the violence and brutality...but that's all for some future post. Ha!

The Descent (2005, Neil Marshall)

Lawdamighty, how I've gone on and on about this movie. What else is left for me to say? I fucking love it, so here it is in my Top 20 favorites. End of story.







The Blair Witch Project (1999, Daniel Myrick & Eduardo Sanchez)

From my review: "All my gushing isn't to say the film is perfect- it's far from it. There are "plot holes", if you will, that you can fly a broomstick through (hi, the map incident, anyone?). But ultimately, I'm a big fat scaredy baby when it comes to things that go bump in the night- and in The Blair Witch Project, they're making noise right outside your door. And I don't care what you say- you know the last 10 minutes of this movie...the 10 minutes in the fucking house- rock your face off."

Yup. Still feel that way.

Day of the Dead (1985, George Romero)

Wait...what? I'm listing Day? Day of the Dead, when Dawn and Night are out there? Yes. That's exactly what I'm doing. Of Romero's original undead trilogy, Day gets the least amount of love from fans and dammit...I think it deserves more. It's got humor, but it never really sinks into outright silliness the way Dawn does. Sarah makes for an interesting- if not always likable- heroine. There are the director's patented Bigger Ideas at Play going on, of course, with all those "who are the real monsters here?" Army a-holes. The film predates CGI core and features some of Tom Savini's best FX work- of particular note is the shot of a gut full of guts sliding out and falling to the ground with a nauseating splash. Then there's Bub, and the shot of all the zombies descending on that massive cargo elevator- bitchin'. Yeah, everyone yells a lot and that's irritating, but big deal! Maybe I love Day so much because it was the first zombie movie I was really allowed to see. Big deal! This is my list, not yours, so choke on 'em! Wow, why am I getting so touchy about this? Must be all that yelling. It...affects a person.

The Evil Dead (1981, Sam Raimi)

I don't worship at the altar of Bruce Campbell and I've never even seen Army of Darkness- but goldurnit, I fucking love The Evil Dead. I originally saw it Once Upon a Time, and let me tell you- the absurdity and humor of it were completely lost on me. None of it was funny to me, not one bit, and it scared the hell out of me. A possessed Cheryl trying to break out of the cellar, pencils stabbed through ankles, the dead not staying dead, claymation faces melting away...what's not to love? Well, maybe the raped-by-a-tree scene, but still.


Halloween (1978, John Carpenter)

Halloween is also a quintessential slasher flick, if not THE quintessential slasher flick. It rises so far above all of its subgenre siblings, though, thanks to the sublime direction of John Carpenter, the entirely believable performance by Jamie Lee Curtis, the timeless, terrifying score, the faceless evil of Michael Myers, the--eh, I could go on and on, but why bother? If you've never seen Halloween, I'm not sure what you're doing here. I mean, welcome and all, but you've never seen Halloween? Really?



The Silence of the Lambs (1991, Jonathan Demme)

Plenty of people say this is not a horror movie. I think it is, and it's also one of my favorites, so voila. You know, I'm totally the type of person who says the Academy Awards are worthless when I find they're not bestowed on the films or actors I think they should be in a given year (I'll never stop bitching about Ellen Burstyn losing to Julia Roberts- never! I'll be complaining about that on my deathbed)...but man, Silence sweeping the Oscars was so very, very right. So right. In every respect, this film is a masterpiece- and I'll be damned if you can find a more feminist piece of filmmaking in all of horrorland. In related news, I've seen this movie a zillion times, but it wasn't until my most recent viewing that I noticed George Romero in his cameo role.

The Thing (1982, John Carpenter)

THE monster movie. THE. THEEEEE. Seriously, the creature FX work of Rob Bottin blew my little mind and continue to do such to my larger mind. Let's face it, it's gross. The horror goes deeper than that, however, as The Thing becomes less about The Thing and more about isolation and paranoia. And beards. The minimal cast is impeccable, the locations stark, the humor black, and the hero undeniably cool and oh-so-Carpenter. There's a prequel in the works and while I'll reserve judgment until I see it, at night the wind whispers "C...G...I...creeeeaaaturessssss" and I cry.


The Haunting (1963, Robert Wise)

There are many, many fantastic ghost stories out there, but The Haunting is simply my favorite. I summed it up as such in my review: "Four people, each in their own way wanting desperately to be accepted and to belong, staying in one very, very bad house." That's it. The film taps into that primal fear of childhood- the fear of the dark, of the things you can't see that go bump in the night. Besides being a terrific pull the covers up to your chin kind of movie, The Haunting is also a compelling character study of loneliness. Heartstopping and heartbreaking. I love love love this movie.


Salem's Lot (1979, Tobe Hooper)

THIS WAS MADE FOR TV. That statement, once and for all, proves that the old days were better. Seriously. Social networking, hybrid cars, iPods, microwaveable macaroni and cheese...fuck 'em. There were horror movies made for TV 30 years ago that are leagues better than theatrically-released horror movies of The Now. What's going on in made for TV horror today? Syfy bullshit. Yes, we all get a chuckle, perhaps, out of Sharktoface vs Octosaurus, but come on. In the old days, we had Salem's Lot. The end.

I love the melodrama and the slo-oo-ooow build of Salem's Lot. I love that Mr. Barlow descends upon the town like a plague, infecting it long before we ever see him. I love how GD scary it all is, for vampires are so very often not scary at all- from Mrs. Glick's resurrection in the morgue to Ralphie floating and scratching in the fog outside the window to Barlow himself (only Nosferatu looks more horrifying), it's simply a big pile of fang-riddled greatness.

[REC] (2007, Jaume Balaguero, Paco Plaza)

I was not expecting [REC] to come out of nowhere like that and punch me in the face with two big fists of awesome. I was not expecting a film to come along 10 years after The Blair Witch Project and make P.O.V. horror fresh again- fresh, and maybe better than it ever was. It's fast and bloody and startling and a relentless, extended jump-scare...then Balaguero and Plaza slam on the brakes with a finale that had me holding my breath and gave me nightmares. Yup, unexpected. Yup, awesome. Yup, a favorite.



28 Days Later (2002, Danny Boyle)

This Romero-zombie-trilogy-in-1 film has more heart, really, than all three Romero zombie flicks combined. Yes, 28 Days Later revitalized the zombie genre (it did, whether you think the rage-infected folk are actually "zombies" or not); it sparked the "running zombies" controversy that continues even to this day in the hearts, minds, and mouths of horror fans everywhere (it did, whether you think the rage-infected folk are actually "zombies" or not); it's a top-notch scary movie, straight-up. What sets it apart, though, is, as I mentioned, the heart of it all. There are countless touches throughout that put some meat on the bones of this thriller- from the goodbye note left by Jim's parents to the echoes of 9/11 in the countless "LOST" postings to the first time Selena smiles to Frank blowing a kiss to the horses running free, the movie draws you in and you suddenly find yourself invested and caring without knowing much about anybody.

Here's something, though- whenever a list of "kick-ass horror chicks" or something equally inane comes along, why is it that Selena is so often overlooked? Hmm? What a great character. Remember her, won't you, and put her alongside your Ripleys and your Ginnys.

The Fog (1980, John Carpenter)

Fog is scary. The Fog is scary. Now that the deep, philosophical ruminations are out of the way...

I heart this movie so much that I hearted it in the I Heart...series. The list of reasons why I love is too long to go into here, so you'll have to click if you want to read 'em. Or maybe the fact that it's here is good enough for you and you don't want or need to read more. I don't know. I don't live your life.



Creepshow (1982, George Romero)

Hey remember when I was just talking about Creepshow recently? Uh huh. I talk about Creepshow quite often. I can't help it. I want to be buried with a copy of Creepshow. Then I want to claw my way out of the ground, clutching it. Then I want to watch it again.

Adrienne Barbeau and Tom Atkins in the same movie. All the other awesomeness of Creepshow aside, those two people guarantee it a place on my favorites list.


Session 9 (2001, Brad Anderson)

This movie about the evil that lurks within all of us is also a damn scary psychological haunted house flick. Chilling and atmospheric, Session 9 seems spare on the surface but rewards repeat viewings.







Candyman (1992, Bernard Rose)

This movie is just so damn good. It's gory. It's terrifying. And, as I said in my review, "More than sheer visceral thrills, however, Candyman works so well because it's a film that's got something to say: it's a meditation on racism, classism, fame, inner city economics, crime, and the power of myth. It's a very smart movie." So there.





PHEW! There they are, my GD top 20. No one in the history of ever has struggled as greatly as I struggled to produce this list. EVER. As I said (and as you'd expect), this list came out with scars. Some dear movies were lost along the way, and I'd like to pay tribute to those casualties right now- those movies that I love but crossed out, those that bubbled under the surface, begging me to make a list of 21 or 31 or any number greater than 20 so they could stand up here alongside their GD brethren. Let's take a moment, shall we?

• The Ring
• Don't Look Now
• A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: The Dream Warriors
• Night of the Living Dead (1968)
• Pieces
• Black Christmas
• Let the Right One In
• Wrong Turn

Geez, I really love John Carpenter movies. Let's face it, from the mid-70s to the mid-80s, the dude couldn't be touched.

remake shmremake part 2

Holy fucking shit, it's as if it's Remake Week around here, eh? Don't worry, it'll all be over soon. Just close your eyes and think of England, dear.

Next up in the trailer parade: the direct-to-DVD rehashing of April Fool's Day (clicken ze trailer). According to the folks at Bloody-Disgusting, this version looks "very similar to the original". According to me, however, "The folks at Bloody-Disgusting must be smoking some serious something because this version doesn't resemble the original film whatsofuckingever".

It seems to me that The Updatening of the love-it-or-hate-it (and we all know how much I love it) 1986 slasher flick has rendered it a (perhaps) serviceable thriller. Honestly, it doesn't matter to me if the new version is completely unrelated to the original or if it's a shot-for-shot copy, because the original film boasts something the remake can never hope to match:


Yes, April Fool's Day boasts the awesome power of the combined forces of Deborah Foreman and Amy Steel. See, they're mighty and badass and untouchable and unstoppable- not at all unlike The Soul Patrol.


Holy crap, I fucking love Deborah Foreman and Amy Steel and G.L.O.W.

Have no fear...

...or should I say, have a lot of fear? Either way, rest assured that the Animals Run Amok Week 2 festivities will pick up again on Monday and run all week. Animals of all kinds have tried to take over the world so many times, you see, and I want to see every attempt.

In remake news- what other kind of horror news is there, lately?- a hot tip from reader Michelle has let it be known that my beloved April Fool's Day is the next up at the plate. It's not even worth getting in a tizzy over, as it seems The Powers That Be are hellbent on remaking every single horror movie ever. In spring 2010, be sure to look for the remake of Rob Zombie's Halloween remake!

The April Fool's Day updating is being helmed by the Butcher brothers, who brought audiences the After Dark Movie Fest entry The Hamiltons. What's with all the brother duos making movies? Where are the sister duos? Come on, ladies, let's get it the fuck together. April Fool's Day was a box office flop; it hit screens as the slasher flick heyday was coming to an end, and audiences didn't much care for the twist ending. Audiences are so dumb sometimes. Will the remake keep the twist? Or will it feature the legendary as-yet-unseen third act?

The greatest thing I'm wishing for out of this remake would be a deluxe DVD release of the original film, this time around with commentary from stars Deborah Foreman, Amy Steel, Deborah Goodrich, and Clayton Rohner. See, the cast was a huge factor in the original film's effectiveness. Let's see you match that, remake! I pity the fool who gets cast as Muffy/Buffy.

pretend you care...

...about my answers to these movie-related questions that somehow made their way to my inbox. By "somehow", I mean they were sent to me.

1. Name a movie that you have seen more than 10 times.

Umm...I guess Star Wars and The Empire Strikes Back. They're sort of their own thing, and repeated viewings don't diminish their effectiveness. The fact that I was a kid when they came out helps boost the viewing number as well, although I'm positive it's still in the 2-digit realm, don't worry. The more I like a horror film, the less I want to watch it again and again- repeated viewings suck away the magic pretty quickly. I trot out my favorites maybe once or twice a year. That said, I've probably seen Halloween more than 10 times.

2. Name a movie that you've seen multiple times in the theater.

Not many. I know I saw The Blair Witch Project twice, and Event Horizon, I think, but that's about it. It's too pricy. I mean, do I look like I'm made out of solid gold? Do I smell like Elizabeth Taylor's White Diamonds? Sheesh.

3. Name an actor that would make you more inclined to see a movie.

Adrienne Barbeau, George Kennedy, Charles Napier, Faye Dunaway, Deborah Foreman, Kurt Russell, Jennifer Rubin, Alex Reid, Marilyn Burns, Amy Steel, Christopher Lee, Faye Grant, Marc Singer, the cast of Dallas, the cast of Melrose Place, and the guy who played Silent Movie Zombie in the Savini-remake of Night of the Living Dead.

4. Name an actor that would make you less likely to see a movie.

Tom Cruise, Nicolas Cage, Gwyneth Paltrow, Julia Roberts, and PAUL REISER. I don't know why I have such a huge hate-on for that guy, but I do. Maybe it started with Aliens.

5. Name a movie that you can and do quote from.

This isn't meant to sound all braggy, but I have a pretty good memory and I remember a fair amount of dialogue from movies. There's little I hate more than movie dialogue that becomes National Catchphrases, however- I'll never forgive Mike Myers for all the times I've had to endure "Not!" and truly horrendous Austin Powers imitations. I've quoted from Silence of the Lambs pretty frequently, though...I mean, you'd be surprised how often "I can smell your cunt" comes up in the course of a week.

5. Name a movie musical that you know all of the lyrics to all of the songs.

I'm really not a fan of musicals, the exception being Jesus Christ Superstar. If you haven't seen it, you haven't lived, baby.

6. Name a movie that you have been known to sing along with.

Does not compute.

7. Name a movie that you would recommend everyone see.

Shark Attack III: Megalodon

8. Name a movie that you own.

I was simply going to repeat Shark Attack III: Megalodon, but to make this exciting and interesting, I will now walk over to my shelf, close my eyes, randomly point to a movie I own, and report my findings. Hold on.

Survey says...Don't Look Now.

9. Name an actor that launched his/her entertainment career in another medium but who has surprised you with his/her acting chops.

Bjork

10. Have you ever seen a movie in a drive-in? If so, what?

Heh. I think I was born at the drive-in. I was fortunate enough to see almost all of the early-'80s horror fare at the drive-in: Friday the 13th, F-13-2, Poltergeist...you name it, I probably saw it.

11. Name a movie that you keep meaning to see but just haven't yet gotten around to it.

Audition! STILL!! I've been saying for 54658816 years that I'm gonna see this movie, and yet it remains beyond my grasp. I guess I'm just a big lame.

12. Ever walked out of a movie?

The only movie I recall walking out of was Oh God, You Devil! which I went to see with my best friend when I was in...like, 6th grade. It was awesome that we were at the movies sans parents, but the movie sucked so we left and went to the arcade at the other end of the shopping plaza. Wise choice.

13. Name a movie that made you cry in the theater.

Tears of sad: Life is Beautiful
Tears of rage: Black Christmas (2006)
Tears of awesome: The Descent

14. Popcorn?

What about it?

15. How often do you go to the movies (as opposed to renting them or watching them at home)?

Not often, sadly enough. The fact that movies are available on DVD fairly quickly nowadays makes me even less inclined to spend the money at a theatre. The ratio is probably something pathetic like 30:1.

16. What's the last movie you saw in the theater?

I don't remember....Black Christmas, maybe? Is that possible? How sad sad sad. What am I, Rip Van Winkle?

That doesn't make sense, but whatevs.

17. What's your favorite/preferred genre of movie?

Umm...hmm...maybe horror. What's my favorite subgenre of horror, though? That's a tough one. I like a good- GOOD- haunted house movie. I like Animal Attack movies, I like zombie movies, I like Children Attack movies, I like horror anthologies...I could go on.

18. What's the first movie you remember seeing in the theater?

I don't know if it was the theatre or the drive-in, but the first movie I remember seeing period is Disney's Snow White. I remember my parents taking me to see it and it was an exciting big deal- they really hyped it up beforehand that I was going to the movies. Awesome.

19. What movie do you wish you had never seen?

Even the worst movies give me something to write about here at Final Girl, and I'll admit that sometimes the bad reviews are way more fun to write than the good reviews. However, I can think of absolutely no redeeming qualities whatsoever to Bloodsucking Freaks, and if I have to choose a movie, I choose that one.

20. What is the weirdest movie you enjoyed?

I don't really know how to answer that. What's "weird" mean? How about this- it's weird that I liked Dave. But is Dave a weird movie? Probably not.

21. What is the scariest movie you've seen?

Sheesh. THE scariest? That's tough. Probably The Exorcist or The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

22. What is the funniest movie you've seen?

That's tough, too. There's different kinds of funny, you know? These are funny to me, however: Airplane!, Waiting for Guffman, Harold and Maude, Annie Hall, Wet Hot American Summer, The Jerk.

There, wasn't that fun? I said, WASN'T THAT FUN, CHARLES NELSON REILLY?

Man, why you gotta be like that?

addendum: a letter

Dear Hollywood,

Look, before I get into it, I'd just like to say that yes, I'm awfully hard on you sometimes when it comes to the horror movies you put out. It's just...well, do you have to be so obsessed with money? Yeah, we'd all like to be rich, but when a rare good idea comes along all you see are dollar signs- and you know what happens next? You try to recreate that one good idea over and over and over again to cash in on it. You water-down everything that made that idea so good in the first place rather than coming up with NEW good ideas. You take our money, you treat us like idiots, and then...well, the middle fingers start flying. I lose faith in you. We all lose faith in you because it's obvious that we're just big, walking wallets to you. Why you gotta be dat way, Hollywood? Hmm? We keep coming back for more, so obviously we all want to like you. No matter how many times you kick us in the face with another tired retread or remake, we still show up in the theatres. To you, that must mean "we've got their money, let's just feed 'em crap!", right? I'm sorry, but that's the way you make me feel, whether you intended to or not- and that's why I'm so hard on you. I know there's some nuggets of good hidden away in there under all the crap. No matter how little, I've still got faith. You just keep taking advantage of me, though...I feel used up, H. Used up!

In an effort to offer you something constructive instead of just hollow bitching, I'm offering you this idea I had last night. Free of charge, it's all yours! It's a little unconventional, but I think if you're willing to hear me out, you might think it's original enough that it could ignite a slow-burn amongst audiences and then you'll jump. On the surface, it's not really that original of an idea at all. The big picture isn't necessarily groundbreaking, but the little touches will show that you're not just a big money-grabbing hungry hungy hippo, Hollywood. Listen to the wise words of En Vogue, H-Wood; free your mind, and the rest will follow.

It's this simple: I want a sequel to April Fool's Day. Knowing the latest trends, there's already one in the works somewhere that will pale in comparison to the original- you'll drop in the latest faces from Tiger Beat and make a silly movie that everyone hates. PG-13, am I right? Or will you just remake the original movie and water it down to begin with? OK, maybe I'm judging too harshly and quickly, but that's what you've reduced me to! See why I'm bitter?

When I say "I want a sequel", I mean I want a true, honest-to-goodness sequel to the original movie. With the same characters, with the same actors. They're still around. They still look great. They might be willing. I want Deborah Foreman, I want Amy Steel, I want Clayton Rohner, I want Deborah Goodrich...I want them all. It's been 20 years- where are these characters now? Are you telling me that Muffy St John isn't a character worth revisiting 20 years down the road? She was a little crazy, you know. Does she really host murder mysteries every weekend? Or what about Nan, who really fucking flipped out when she was subjected to the reminder about her abortion? Maybe she really lost it that weekend and is a total kookadook now, who knows.

The plot, well, you've got options. Maybe the friends reunite at Muffy's estate for the weekend. Maybe they bring their families and kids. Maybe people start to die for real this time. You don't need to have some big fancy twist at the end- just make a well-written slasher movie with good characters. Trust me, that'll be refreshing enough. You did it in 1986, surely you can do it now.

Why not bring back Fred Walton, the director, while you're at it? He did a great job with April Fool's Day, and When A Stranger Calls, his first film...well, you tried to re-hash that one recently and it didn't work, right? Everyone knows the famous "the call is coming from within the house!" bit, but you know something? The first half hour or so of When A Stranger Calls is a perfect horror movie. Watch it again, forget what you already know about it, and you'll see what I mean. Fred Walton knows what he's doing, so let him do it.

Yeah, yeah, I know what you're thinking- "Reunite these people?! But...but...they're all over 40! Gasp! Who wants to see that?!"...well, alot of people might want to, Hollywood. People don't stop liking horror movies when they turn 22, you know. Some horror fans who're over 40 might enjoy being able to identify with characters on-screen for once. We don't all want to watch teenagers all the time. But if these characters have kids, well, they'd be teenagers, right? You could work some in for the younger crowd and everyone would be happy.

April Fool's Day 2 could be smart. You need something smart right now, because you're at the low, dumb end of the current horror cycle. You'd show that you're not just after teenager babysitting money. You'd show that good actors over 35 can still get roles- especially the women. C'mon, Hollywood- take a chance. It's redemption time, and it just might work.

I've still got faith in you.

Hugz-n-stuff,

Stacie (your secret #1 fan)

I Heart: April Fool's Day

Damn right, people...it's time for me to talk about one of my absolute favorite slasher movies...April Fool's Day. Note that I am not talking about it tomorrow, which actually IS April Fool's Day. This makes me 57% cooler than all the people who will be talking about it on April 1st.

I'm telling you now- this little post is gonna be all full up with all ten kinds of SPOILERS, so if you haven't seen this movie yet (if you haven't, well, why haven't you?)- turn back. Turn back before it's too late! Turn back before the spoilers cast their evil gaze upon you, turning you to stone in a flash! Turn back, I tells ya! AAAAIIIIIIEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Err, sorry. Look, it's Friday and I just watched one of my favorite movies and I went a little crazy with the font for a second. I'm better now.

It's spring break time, and a group of college kids head to the island vacation home of their friend Muffy St. John (Deborah Foreman) for a little fun, college kid-style. Being around April 1st, the pranks begin almost immediately on the ferry ride to the island. Unfortunately, one of the jokes goes awry and poor deckhand Buck ends up smooshed between the boat and the pilings. Grody. Not a good way to start a vacation.

The jokes continue later on however as Muffy has rigged her house with all sorts of gags: there's collapsing chairs, dribble glasses, sinks that spray water in the face of the user, and so on. In each guest room, there's also a "joke" that serves as a reminder of the guest's dark secret or painful past: S&M gear, drug paraphernalia, newspaper clippings about fatal car accidents, and a reminder of an abortion. Ha ha haa! Whee! April Fool's, everybody!

The 'jokes' set everyone on edge, and soon enough the guests begin to disappear. Meanwhile, Muffy starts acting as if she's stopped taking her meds. She stares off into space, she laughs to herself, she's unkempt, and, as Nikki (Deborah Goodrich) notes, she's suddenly wearing shoes with crepe soles! What the hell has gotten into Muffy?

Once the dead bodies are discovered, the kids phone the constable on the mainland. He sets out for the island with a warning: stay away from Muffy. The warning coupled with Muffy's odd behavior lead everyone to believe that she's the killer...that is, until Rob (Ken Olandt) and Kit (Amy Steel) discover that Muffy has a twin sister Buffy who's been locked away in the nuthouse for three years. Buffy's back, though, and look out: she's nuts, she's wearing crepe soles, and she's killing everyone on the island!

Eventually, Rob and Kit are the only two people left alive. Just when you think Buffy is about to finish them off, Kit opens a door onto quite a scene: there's everyone that was thought dead, very much alive. Even Buck is there, decidedly unsmooshed. And there is no Buffy; plain ol' Muffy was hamming it up. That's right, it's all one big joke! April Fool's! It was all a test run for Muffy's grand scheme: to turn the estate into a bed and breakfast where guests can participate in a "murder mystery weekend". Good show, Muffy. Everyone drinks champagne and has fun with the prosthetic "dead bodies", the end.

April Fool's Day is a great flick that was doomed by bad word-of-mouth. The film started out strong at the box office, but quickly dropped from the radar after audiences found out about the twist ending. I find it odd that it wasn't well-received, but man, horror audiences are weird: they seem to want to be fed the same thing over and over, but then they complain about being fed the same thing over and over. In 1986, the year of the film's release, the slasher flick was on its last legs, the heyday long over. Audiences were getting bored as the second Nightmare on Elm Street and the fifth Friday the 13th movies hit the screen. The sub-genre would soon lapse into a parody of itself and be run into the ground until the release of Scream in 1996. Along comes April Fool's Day with a great cast, great acting, and a smart script that plays by all the slasher rules only to thumb its nose at you in the end. Better yet, the film wasn't thumbing its nose in the postmodern, post-Scream "it's just a stupid movie so why take it seriously anyway" fashion of the last 10 years. April Fool's Day plays it straight until the end, and the joke's on you, audience! I guess people don't like that. Or it matters somehow that the characters really die if you're going to enjoy a horror flick.

The champagne celebration was not originally going to end the film; it was only going to end Act II. In the intended Act III, Muffy's friends left the island but then returned to give her a taste of her own medicine. Under the ruse of the practical joke, however, Muffy's brother Skip ends up killing her to garner her inheritance. I've read conflicting stories as to whether or not the ending was actually filmed, so the footage could be out there or it could just be words on a page.

What elevates April Fool's Day into the realm of the "I Heart..." series is the acting. Across the board, the performances are fantastic. Somehow, all of these privileged, unlikable kids become likable- and that's all because of the acting. You all should know by now that Amy Steel is one of my favorites and yeah, I'm glad she's here. Make no mistake about it, though- this movie belongs to Deborah Foreman.

I love love LOVE her performance as both Muffy and Buffy. Love. LOVE. Seriously. She's by turns sweet, kind, sexy, and really, really fucking creepy. Her Muffy is jittery, off-kilter, and somehow out of synch with everything around her. Even when she's not supposed to be weirdo Muffy, even when she's just completely normal, there's something there that's not quite right. Not quite right, but very intriguing. What I love the most is the fucked-up inflections Foreman uses for her line readings when she's weirdo Muffy, before 'Buffy' is discovered. It's hard to convey it here, exactly, but for example- when Kit tells Muffy that the constable should be arriving very soon, Muffy stares at her a moment, then replies with a solemn facial expression:

Sometimes- with the tides- it takes somebody all night to get here from the mainland. Andeventhensometimes----they don't make it.

Then she turns around and walks out of the room quickly, and it's totally creepy and totally brill, my friends. Totally brill. Deborah Foreman rocks, and she rocks hard.

So that's it- I heart April Fool's Day. And if my word isn't enough to get you on board with it, well, then, I'll leave it up to Mr. T. T? What say you?

"I pity the fools who don't like April Fool's Day! Every day is April Fool's Day for them fools!"

Thanks, T. I owe you one. Mad props.

92% off topic

Folks, it's time for me to talk a bit about my obsession. No, silly- I don't mean doing blow on the bellies of strippers, I'm talking about my other obsession. The cheaper one. That's right, I'm talking about Dallas, the glorious nighttime soap that ran from the late 70s through the 80s. I'm talking about the saga of the Ewing clan, their never-ending feud with the Barnes clan...money, oil, greed, cowboy hats, and big hair. Dallas, baby! Let's face it- Dynasty may have had Joan Collins and Krystle's giant shoulder pads, but Blake Carrington was but a pale imitation of the man the world loved to hate, J.R. Ewing.

Seasons 1-4 have been released on DVD, and when I get a new one in my clutches, it's really difficult for me to do anything else but watch it. Those discs must be laced with some sort of visual crack or something...I'm seriously addicted. Rachael and I have marathon sessions watching it, and I think if I could go without sleep I'd watch an entire season in a sitting. Yeah, it's that bad.

Why am I talking about Dallas here? First of all, because I want to, dammit. It's my blog! Nyah! Secondly, if you read the comments sections of these posts, you'd know that a few days back a reader gave me the following info:

HEADED TO DALLAS: Per Variety, 20th Century Fox's big-screen version of CBS' Dallas picking up steam with John Travolta being eyed to play J.R. Ewing, Jennifer Lopez in the role of Sue Ellen Ewing, Owen Wilson as Bobby Ewing and Shirley MacLaine playing Miss Ellie Ewing

My thoughts on this? Well, let's just say that Shirley MacLaine is the only name worthy of being on that list. I summed up my feelings on the matter thusly:

...that cast is just so awful it makes me want to go back in time and abort myself.

It's true, dear readers. John Travolta...Jennifer Lop---no. I'm not going to do this to myself. It's completely out of my hands, right? Right.

After I'd made my thoughts on the Dallas movie clear, I was challenged: what would Final Girl's dream cast for the Dallas movie be? And you know, I spent all last night thinking about it...yes, I did. It's sad but true. I'm really bad at those "dream cast" type things, and I just could not think of anybody appropriate to play anybody. And then- poof! A little tiny lightbulb went off in my little tiny brain, and suddenly it was all clear.

What if I cast the Dallas movie using- exclusively!- actors who have been in horror films?

It was that easy- the characters just fell into line. Yeah, there's age differences and all, but I don't care. Just go with it, people. So here you have it:

DALLAS STARRING ACTORS WHO HAVE BEEN IN HORROR MOVIES!

First up, we've got the patriarch Jock Ewing- the rough and tumble cowboy who started an oil dynasty. Obviously, Charles Napier (Silence of the Lambs, Body Bags) is quite a good match...both he and Jock have a fondness for cowboy hats and large necklaces.

While Shirley MacLaine is a pretty good choice to portray 'mama'- that's Miss Ellie Southworth Ewing to you, scumbag- I think Julie Harris (The Haunting, Home for the Holidays) would be even better. She's already got ties to the series, as those of you as pathetic as me know that Harris portrayed Val's mother on the Dallas spin-off Knots Landing.

And now we begin with the Ewing children. Without a doubt, Ewing Oil president J.R. Ewing was the toughest character to cast. Who could turn on a dime from conniving to charming? Just who could aptly portray the sissy-boy who's gotten loads of power? The best I could do is Jeffrey Combs (Re-Animator, From Beyond). Jeffrey could sweet-talk the ladies one minute and be pure scheming evil the next.

To play Sue Ellen Ewing, J.R.'s long-suffering (but enough of a bitch in her own right) wife, you need a woman who's believable as a former Miss Texas who's now a drunken mess. That woman? Adrienne Barbeau. If you don't believe me, watch her turn as Wilma in Creepshow. And yes, that's Sue Ellen's mug shot! God, I love Dallas!

Bobby Ewing's got a temper, but he's basically a good guy trying to deal with his controlling family- especially his loutish brother J.R. Who would I like to see step into Patrick Duffy's afro? Why, 80s horror mainstay Peter Barton (Friday the 13th Part IV, Hell Night), of course.

To portray Bobby's super-foxy wife Pamela Barnes Ewing, I figured you could go two ways.
If you want to bring in the younger crowd, cast Eliza Dushku (Wrong Turn) in the role. She's foxy enough, but then I'm not sure her acting range extends beyond one facial expression. And lemme tell ya, Pam's emotional range really runs the gamut, from "I lost the baby!" to "Should I cheat on Bobby?" to "Bobby's dead!" to "I hate you, J.R.!". Can Eliza fill Victoria Principal's big...err...shoes?

Another decent choice for the character would be Catherine Zeta-Jones (The Haunting). I think her name was being bandied about back when there were first rumblings about a Dallas movie...she'd be a pretty good fit. But can she capture that raised-in-the-oil-fields tomboyish side of Pam? Hmm? Well, can she??

Lucy Ewing, granddaughter of Jock and Miss Ellie, niece of Bobby and J.R., has had a rough life. She's barely in college, yet she's been engaged to a man who turned out to be gay, she's had a serious problem with "goofballs", she's been a drunk, she's been mean, she's been sexing it up. Again, I give you two choices. First up, the obvious choice, PJ Soles (Halloween, Carrie). I mean...totally. The braids have it.

The woman I'd really like to see as Lucy would be a hell of a lot more fun, though- oh yeah, I'm talkin' bout Linnea Quigley (Return of the Living Dead). I don't care if Lucy's supposed to be about 22 and Linnea Quigley is approximately 400. She would rock! I bet she'd show her boobs. Oh- and that's not a typo. I meant four hundred.

Who, oh who could play Kristen, Sue Ellen's slutty little sister? As you well know, she's the one who bedded J.R. and then shot him when he grew tired of her and cast her aside. Last I saw her, in the Season 4 cliffhanger, she was floating in the Ewing pool, just as dead as you please. Who could float face down in a pool as well as Alicia Silverstone (The Crush)? Maybe Laurence Olivier or someone of that caliber, but he's a dude. And he's really dead.

As ranch foreman and bastard child of Jock Ewing, Ray Krebbs has had his share of horses and women. Not in the same way, you sicko! Matthew McConaughey (Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation) has the easy-going cowboy charm that would make him a perfect Ray- who, as far as I know, beds women exclusively. Sheesh.

And lastly, we come to Donna Culver Krebbs, the society broad who fell in love with cowboy Ray. They're from two different worlds- will they ever make it together? Will their love beat the odds? Donna's totally a 2nd-tier character, but when there's a chance to cast Amy Steel (Friday the 13th Part 2, April Fool's Day) in a role, you just gotta jump at it. You feel me?

And there you go- my dream cast for Dallas, made up entirely of actors from horror movies. It's certainly better than John Travo----no. Let's end this on a nice note, shall we?

I have spent entirely too much time on this idea.

It's art, man

Today I discovered Movie Goods, a site loaded with movie memorabilia such as photos, film cells, and posters, from reproductions to foreign rarities. Here's some of the noteworthy stuff for sale I found during a cursory browse (all images courtesy of moviegoods.com)...

An awesomely creepy lobby card from Alice, Sweet Alice:

Here's a German poster for John Carpenter's The Fog:

Isn't that terrible? That's got to be one of the silliest, least terrifying images I've ever seen. Is she supposed to be scary or scared? I can't tell...she's cross-eyed and her hair is going crazy! Eyyaggggghhhhh! Actually, it looks like maybe there's a flasher in the fog and he's just shown her his manpurse.

From the Completely Judging a Book by Its Cover Department, the movie I've never heard of but want to see desperately now based solely on its title and poster:

What on earth did the cats do? Did they pee on his pillow? Did they shed all over his best suit? I'm wondering what the cats could have possibly done to make a man put pantyhose on his head and take someone who looks vaguely like Debbie Reynolds hostage. And who are all those girls lined up? Are they the "cats" in question? I must know...I must know!

I love this Italian poster for Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?. It seems to me that modern posters, when not just a plain photograph of the stars themselves, are simply dull, over-Photoshopped crud. Gimme a painted, broken baby doll head any day of the week!

Movie posters also used to be great marketing, really drawing you into the flick- especially when the flick in question is produced by William Castle, the gentleman who brought us such gimmicks as selling 'life insurance' to audience members (in case they died of fright during the film), or zapping their seats during The Tingler. Check out the poster from Bug:

Yep, it's the movie you see with your eyes closed! Castle's "serious warning" states:

Many people have an uncontrollable fear of the unknown. If you are such a person, please believe me when I say- this movie is not for you.

Have you seen Bug? The cockroaches can start fires and they spell out WE LIVE on a wall. It fucking rocks. Don't forget to go over your checklist after viewing!

The Japanese poster for Friday the 13th has a great layout, atmosphere, blood, action, and short shorts:

And finally, this is why Movie Goods will be getting some of my dollars-

That's what I'm talkin' bout, Willis. Long live memorabilia!