ITEM! Before The Descent started, the six audience members (hey, it was a matinee. Yeah, I'm an old lady, so what? I had to catch the Early Bird Dinner special at 4:00, ok?) were treated to trailers for The Wicker Man and Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning amongst a few others. My judgments based on these minute-long promos? Well, The Wicker Man couldn't look more silly, dull, or plodding, and surprisingly, that's not only due to the fact that Nicolas Cage is playing the lead. Yes, you see, while I try to avoid Nicolas Cage movies (with the exception of Raising Arizona) as if merely viewing them will cause my entire body to break out with genital warts, I can't solely fault him for the unappealing trailer. It was overwrought, confusing, and looked boring as all h-e-double-hockey sticks. I'll have to pass...next showcase, please!
What of TCM: The Beginning, you ask? As the trailer played, I could literally feel my face scrunch up, completely beyond my control. My eyes got all squinty like Mr. Magoo...my brow furrowed like Eliza Dushku when she's acting "concerned"...my nose wrinkled like someone blasted a stinky in my face, and my mouth puckered like a cat's butt. Sorry for the graphic imagery there folks, but it was soon apparent that my face was about to collapse in on itself like a little black hole in a "fight or flight" reaction to save the rest of me from Michael Bay's latest crapfest. I just couldn't for the life of me figure out the point of this movie. If it's supposed to give some sort of history to The Leatherface Family, well, guess what? THEY'RE FUCKING CRAZY! That's all we need to know, and guess what again? I figured that out when Tobe Hooper showed me these cuckoo nutsos the first time 30 fucking years ago! I swear, this movie looked no different than the TCM remake from a couple of years back. No, I take that back...Jessica Biel and her white tank top were sadly no where to be found. But...car full of sweaty kids stranded? Check. Said kids lured to house under false pretenses? Check. Crazy wacko dinner scene? Check. Girl with long hair, bloody and screaming? Can I get a CHECK here? It was completely derivative and I could find no reason, no matter how deep down I dug, to hand over my bucks to watch it. I mean, the Friday the 13th films are derivative, but hey, think about it for a second. Jason has avenged his mothers death, traveled into the mysterious "third dimension", caused some kid's brain to break, been resurrected from the dead, and gone to New York City and to outer motherfucking space. In the future. He doesn't just keep having grody family dinners over and over again...he's out there trying new and exciting avenues. Leatherface and Co. need to bring their A game, people, and I just don't see it here.
ITEM!
ITEM! Here's a PSA for all you fruity California types. Check this out...if you dare!Begin transmission...Next Tuesday night, August 8 will be the 37th anniversary of the Tate murders. To acknowledge this event, you are invited to the El Coyote at 8pm, where Sharon et all had their "lastsupper." Afterwards, a trek up to Cielo Drive, with a possible surprise instore. Feel free to attend - though seating isn't guaranteed - we're wingin it.
Oh, and if you happen to be free that day, check this out:"DEARLY DEPARTED TOURS” COMMEMORATES 37TH ANNIVERSARYOF THE INFAMOUS MANSON FAMILY MURDERS IN LOS ANGELES WITH SPECIAL “HELTER SKELTER” TOUR WEEK OF AUGUST 8, 2006
(August 2, 2006) – The 37th anniversary of the infamous Tate-LaBianca murders at the hands of the Charles Manson family continue to be a fascination, and will be commemorated in typical death hag style by DearlyDeparted Tours, with a special three + hour “Helter Skelter” theme tour the weekof August 8, 2006 in Los Angeles, Calif.
Besides the murder residences, Michaels will include on the tour sites that relate to the day-to-day aspects of life of the victims, such as victim Jay Sebring’s hair salon, the El Coyote restaurant where the Tate group had their “last supper”, the bicycle shop where victim Abigail Folger purchased her yellowbike the afternoon of her murder. On the other side of town, we retrace the final steps of Rosemary and Leno LaBianca, victims of the second night ofmurders. “These sites make the whole thing seem more real and give life to thevictims as everyday people,” said Michaels.
Additionally, guests will see where the murderers threw their clothing and hosedoff after the murders, and where they threw the murder weapon out the window oftheir car. You’ll see a house that was “creepy crawled” by the Manson family. Many sites have been altered since 1969 and with the help of photographs and home video footage, guests are able to relive them on Scott's 13-passenger bus.
The tour will also include a multimedia presentation made up of film and audioclips surrounding the murders and their victims, and a soundtrack playing theTop 20 of August 1969.
The price of the tour is $50, with five dollars of each ticket being donated to The Doris Tate Crime Victim Foundation, a California-based lobby & crime victim’s organization focusing on victim’s rights and criminal legislation named in honor of Sharon Tate’s mother who became a crime victim activist until her own death in 1992. The price also includes a piece of memorabilia – a rock from the actual fireplace of the Tate house, which Michaels himself obtained when the original house was razed in late 1993.
The Helter Skelter Tour runs Tuesday (the anniversary) August 8, through Friday August 11th at 10am, and at 1pm Saturday and Sunday August 12, 13. More datesannounced to be announced. Reservations are required: to book ahead, please call 1.323.466.3696. For more information, visit Dearly Departed Tours...end transmission.
I think the notion of a tour following in the "last footsteps", as it were, of murder victims opens an interesting can of worms for discussion. Perhaps I'll speak my mind on it later, but for now, well...frankly I'm a little wiped out from all that Texas Chainsaw ranting and raving.
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