Put THAT in your stocking!

Bloody-Disgusting has more news on the remake of Black Christmas, including a visit to the film's set in Vancouver.

*ring ring*
"Hello? Yes...a remake? Why on earth would anyone want to--yes. From Buffy? Oh dear. No, I don't think it needs "more gore". Not at all! I can't understand...and who is this "Kyle" you're talking about? I don't remember any "Kyle". Do you mean "Peter", my boyfriend, played by Keir Dullea? I see- "Peter" isn't hip enough of a name nowadays, I suppose.

You say there's going to be more of a backstory for the killer? Now that just seems silly to me. Yes, I understand- everyone wants everything explained to them. Everyone needs their hands held, right? But you see, we knew nothing about the killer in our attic and that made him intriguing...yet you say you want your film to be more about intrigue than shock--yes. Yes I see, but...I'm confused. You're adding more gore and more explanations and you think this will be less shocking and more intriguing? I don't--yes, of course.

If you---oh, why, thank you. Yes, I do have shiny shiny hair."

"Gimme that---now you listen to me, all you pretty little fuckers. So you've got this sweet little thing from fucking Buffy playing my character? "Cool, chill, comic relief"? That's funny, I didn't read the word "drunk" in there anywhere. Why don't you grow some sac and make some interesting characters with a little depth. You know- some that aren't just pretty, pasty faces from TV? Hmm? What?! Yes, I'm on my meds, you fucker.

Listen, my best friend Stacie thought about giving you people a clean slate- for about two seconds, then she snapped out of it. Or rather, I slapped her out of it. That's what best friends are for. She's tired of all the bullshit remakes you bastards are always peddling around because you can't come up with anything new...you know what? Fuck your remakes! I am fed. The fuck. UP! This is the second movie of mine getting remade by you antiseptic motherfuckers- what, was I not interesting enough for you? Hmm? Was I not foxy enough? Yeah, no shit my hair isn't as shiny...yeah, but I was a drunk. And I swore...alot.

Ah, to hell with you bastards. Your movie will come out around Christmas time and everyone will hate it and be all "wah wah wah" about your piece of shit remakes...and then maybe- just maybe- people will go back in time and watch the original. Yeah, see, they'll see Olivia's shiny shiny hair, they'll watch me be drunk, they'll like all the interesting characters and the subplots and the terror and the suspense...they'll feel real fear. And then, instead of saying "Let's have a do-over!", they'll say "Gee, that was some original shit. Why don't I make some original shit?" and they'll make some scary, smart, mature, serious, original shit. See? Fuckers.

Fellatio!"

*click*