da winnah!

Hooray! After a lengthy and very VERY extremely complicated scientific process, a winner has been chosen for the Final Girl Dazzling Curtains Giveaway Sweepstakes. Congratulations to Final Girl reader Matthew Bartush, for HE is the lucky fella who now owns at least one videocassette.

But seriously, folks, aren't we ALL winners here? Yes...yes, we are. Don't be down if you are not Matthew Bartush! You're STILL a winner to me.

I know what you're thinking..."Uh, what exactly did I win here, Stacie? 'Cause it sure ain't a copy of Curtains on VHS."

Well, my friends, I'll tell you what you've won. No, you can't hold it in your hand or put it in your VCR. You can't gaze upon it and muse about how you are kinda sorta only 2 steps removed from Tori Spelling now. You can't sleep with what you've won under your pillow because it used to belong to Final Girl.

You see, everyone who entered and didn't win, you've actually won something far, far more lasting than a simple video. You have won my neverending gratitude for reading my humble site here and for taking the time to enter the contest, THAT'S what you've won. And despite what Whitney Houston says, it's having my neverending gratitude that is, in fact, the greatest love of all.

I hope each and every one of you has a kickass New Year's Eve and an even...kickassier 2007.

Yay, sayeth Tori.

Last Dazzling Chance!

Tonight at 11:59 pm EST, the Final Girl Dazzling Curtains Giveaway Sweepstakes Extravaganza will turn back into a pumpkin!

SO, if you want a chance to win a copy of Curtains on VHS, send an email to me at stacieponder@gmail.com with the subject line Donna Martin Graduates!. I'll pick a winner and that lucky person will...uh, win.

You have nothing to lose and only everything to gain by entering! And by "everything", I mean a videocassette of a cool, rare old slasher flick. Only jerks don't enter giveaway contests!

I can keep a theecret

If you read my little random facts about me that you probably don't care about but I feel the need to write something profile over there to the right, you'll see that I've admitted to wearing my favorite clothes until they literally fall apart. Trust me, I didn't write that in some sort of misguided attempt to make you think I'm cool- I know you already think I'm wicked fuckin' mega-cool, right? Right? Yes. Well then. No, I wrote that little chestnut because it's absolutely true. It's ok- I draw the line at wearing clothes outside of the house with holes in them. I mean, I'm not exactly ready to cross over into full-on vagabond mode, although I do carry my possessions tied up in a bandanna on a long stick in lieu of a purse. When I get hold of a shirt or sweater I like, though, it'll take nearly total garment disintegration to pry it from my hands. Frayed collars, frayed cuffs...they're comforting, what can I say?

There are some movies out there that are the cinematic equivalent of those threadbare t-shirts. They're not great or anything I'd trot out if I wanted to impress someone, but they're familiar and comforting...and dammit, I know they're not good but I like 'em anyway. I'm not talking about movies that are so-bad-they're-good...I'm talking about movies you've seen 800 times before with slight variations in character, setting, and circumstance. I'm talking about movies that adhere to a formula but you don't mind so much because you like the formula to begin with.

This is exactly the case with the Korean flick Nightmare (aka Gawi, 2000), a movie that could easily be the result of a night of sweet sweet romantic lovemaking between I Know What You Did Last Summer and The Ring. In a nutshell:

1) Friends have secret! They done did a bad, bad thing and someone ended up dead.

2) Dead person comes back to kill friends! Dead person has long black hair. Dead person pops up unexpectedly and acts all starey.

"Oooooohhh! I am a totally new screen sensation unlike anything you've ever seen before!"

Voila! How many times have we seen this plot played out? A gazillion, at the least. In fact...now don't quote me on this, but I'm totally 100% sure that the friends kill someone by accident but decide to keep it a secret and then the dead person comes back for revenge idea was first brought to life in It Happened One Night, way back in 1934. I'm just going by the title, of course, but what else could that movie possibly be about? See? It's a veritable chestnut of a plot! Timeless!

The point is, there's absolutely nothing in Nightmare that won't be completely familiar to you. I mean nothing. No, really, nothing. It's all been done before, often much, much better. Did I enjoy watching the movie? Well, yeah, I most certainly did. It's a supernatural slasher flick that's got competent direction and more-than-competent acting. What's not to like? Perhaps only the fact that it treads absolutely zero new ground...

I won't much remember it beyond the time it takes me to write this review, but spending 90 minutes with Nightmare was...enjoyable. Nothing more, nothing less. I simply happen to enjoy movies wherein people do foolish things in an attempt to cover-up a crime and their secret comes back to bite 'em in the ass. It's a weakness, I admit it. It's like midget porn...I just can't seem to control myself.

There's a few almost-creepy moments (yeah, "almost-creepy" is about as creepy as it got) and the kills are surprisingly bloody. Though they're not really worth the wait, the last moments of the film are the best moments of the film. I must say, however, that the film does have what I'm pretty sure is The Most Beautiful Female Cast in Any Movie Ever (that needs to be capitalized because, well, all the women in this movie were...uh, sort of retardedly beautiful). Still, though, I can't really recommend you seek this movie out or make an effort to catch it. Unless maybe you're like me, and you've got frayed cuffs. I give it 4 out of 10 I'd rate it higher because I liked it but I know it's such a total retread and if I rated it higher and people sought it out because of the higher rating then they'd get all mad and be like "Hey, what the fuck? That movie was a total retread!"...so maybe I should just rate it a 4 but really a secret 6.5 out of 10s.

tagged

You know those Internerd survey question-and-answer thingies, like the one I posted right here? Well, I done got "tagged" to answer a few more movie-related questions. Yup, my good ol' cyberpals cattleworks and Heather (click their names to read their surveys answers...do it!) want to read my answers to the following questions...and since they do, I can only assume that there are hundreds of thousands, if not gajillions of other cyberfolk out there who want the same.

"internerd"..."tagged"..."cyber"..."the"...I'm living on the edge here in this modern, computerized age here, people; careful, don't cut yourselves. Now then- questions and answers!

Dammit, Charles Nelson Reilly, don't be such a spoil sport. That is most definitely not the Christmas Spirit.

1. Popcorn or candy?
For what? When I'm trying to lure children into my big dirty van, I'd have to say that I've had more success with candy. Puppies, of course, are golden, but a bag of Sour Patch Kids can do the trick in a pinch.

I always say that I hate popcorn, but it's not really true. What I hate is having people around me who are eating popcorn. It kind of drives me crazy, especially when I don't want popcorn. The entire room smells of it, and then all you hear for a half hour is "rustle rustle rustle...crunch crunch crunch" while people rummage around in the bag and then cram way too much popcorn in their mouths at once- or they do the non-stop, rapid fire, vacuumesque one-piece-at-a-time method. Either way, grody to the max.

Remember that movie Popcorn? Yeah.

2. Name a movie you've been meaning to see forever.
Audition Audition Audition! It never seems to happen. I even had the damn thing in my house for a week or so and never got around to watching it. What the hell? I want to see it, I've been told I should see it, but I can't make it happen. I suck. I keep meaning to see Wolf Creek as well, but alas. Later today I'll punch myself and sit in the corner thinking about how bad I am.

3. You are given the power to recall one Oscar : Who loses theirs and to whom?

I haven't watched the Oscars in a few years. Not to turn this into some kind of dry intellectual discourse, but I find them to be a little...retarded, although I'll admit I feel a little teary-eyed when the words "Cher" and "Bob Mackie" are uttered in the same breath. That said, however, I think the Oscars sealed their doom when Ellen Burstyn's performance in Requiem for a Dream lost out to Julia Roberts' in Erin Brockovich. I mean, what's next? Teddy bears getting married?

Oh my god...NOOOOOOOOO!

4. Steal one costume from a movie for your wardrobe. Which will it be?

Admission: When I was but a wee bonny lass, I stole a cassette of the Pretty in Pink soundtrack from a local record store. I was so completely wracked with guilt I couldn't even listen to the damn thing, so I can't imagine I'd go through with stealing anything else ever. Except maybe office supplies from a job. Or jewels from the rich. Or maybe insulin from someone's mailbox if I needed it. Or candy from a whiny baby. Maybe I'd steal a car if it was nice.

I'm actually stealing right this minute.

When I think movie costume, I think "costume", like Darth Vader or some shit. And despite my propensity for appearing at comic conventions, I don't think I need a Darth Vader costume "for my wardrobe". So to answer the question...wait, what was the question?


5. Your favorite film franchise is…
As nerdish as it may be (and despite all of its glaring problems), I'd have to say Star Wars. It ain't perfect (or even close), but I'm of the age where I grew up on Star Wars and it's got a place in my heart.

Runners up: Romero's zombie movies, the Alien flicks...maybe even the Friday the 13th series.

6. Invite five movie people over for dinner. Who are they? Why’d you invite them? What do you feed them?
Whaaaaa? Damn. Umm...hmm. Do I need to think about how the five people will interact with each other or just me? Can I invite my friends, too, so I have someone to talk to if the "movie people" all suck? Will someone buy me a dinner table so we all have somewhere to sit? Gah! Fuck this Martha Stewart shit.

OK, I'd invite...umm...who the hell would I invite? Crap. Uh...ok. George Romero seems like a nice guy. And those glasses! Yes, perhaps George Romero. 4 more...man, this is hard. Who else would I want to talk to? Maybe Jamie Lee Curtis- she's been in gobs of slashers and might have something to say. And maybe she remembers all her smoove moves from Prom Night and can teach them to us after dinner. A disco-dancing George Romero...ok, now this dinner is starting to take shape. I might invite Christophe Gans and Roger Avery (a package deal) so we can talk about Silent Hill 2, because I'm completely sure that my insight would insure a stellar sequel (cough cough).

How many people am I up to? Dang. Ah! I know! Adrienne Barbeau. Absofuckinglutely. She's got some stories to tell, I'm sure of it. You know, I don't really care about "meeting famous people" beyond the novelty factor, but Adrienne Barbeau is another story. Ok...and...John Carpenter? Maybe. I don't know if he'd be cool or dreadful, you know? I mean, it is an entire dinner. But he's got a good brain to pick. Lastly, I'd invite Jessica Biel to sit directly across from me for obvious reasons.

Duh, I'm a huuuuuuge 7th Heaven fan.

What would I serve these people? Perhaps the person who is magically providing a big table will also provide food.

7. What is the appropriate punishment for people who answer cell phones in the movie theater?
I suppose I should give some clever answer here involving physical cruelties and torture, but I have a problem with doling out and/or witnessing physical cruelties and torture in real life, so I'll be a big lame-o and say "They have to leave the theatre, dammit!". That's harsh, right? I'll admit, though, the term "exploding heads" does have its charms.

8. Choose a female bodyguard: Ripley from Aliens. Mystique from X-Men. Sarah Connor from Terminator 2. The Bride from Kill Bill. Mace from Strange Days.
I need a bodyguard suddenly? I feel so Whitney Houston! I have arrived, baby!

I plead the fifth because the question feels a little too "Who would win in a fight, Thor or the Hulk?" for me.

I'd choose Ripley.

9. What’s the scariest thing you’ve ever seen in a movie?
I talked about this kind of thing to a degree way back when, right here. Read and be informed!

10. Your favorite genre (excluding comedy and drama) is?
What did comedy and drama ever to to be shunned like that? Can I say dramedy? Is that allowed? Huh? Is it? Well, I like horror movies, in case you didn't know. I also like made-for-TV movies, hokey-ass action movies, and disaster movies with all-star casts. Some sci-fi is good. I like movies- why must they all be labeled and categorized and segregated? Can't we all just live together in perfect harmony, like ebony and ivory? We are one world...have you learned nothing from Benetton ads, o internet questions?

11. You are given the power to greenlight movies at a major studio for one year. How do you wield this power?
No "mega-watt star power" in anything. Other than that, I have no idea. Well, there must be good scripts and small flicks out there that aren't given a chance, though, and I'd change that.

12. Bonnie or Clyde?
Again, I say, for what? And what's with all the questions? Jesus. But really, "Bonnie or Clyde"? Come on.

I choose Faye Dunaway, how's that?

13. Who are you tagging to answer this survey? (Three or more)
I admit, as silly as these question things are, I'd really like to read answers from Amanda by Night, Des, and John Barleycorn. The Final Girl 7. Oh, and of course you!

Man, this thing wiped me out. Well, Charles Nelson Reilly, what do you think now?

Christ, there is just no pleasing that guy.

coal

So I was all set to go see Black Christmas, right? The whole, you know, "Christmas" thing was over and I was all like "Finally I don't have to open any more nice gifts people have given me or eat any more nice food that people have made for me. Yes, finally the cheers are over and it's time for the jeers to begin...it's time for some Black Christmas. And some booze." I opened up the ol' hometown paper only to find...the movie is not playing here. Not on any of the 80 jillion screens in southeastern Connecticut. How can this be? Was the viewing of horror movies in a big fat cineplex not what Santa Claus intended when he invented Christmas? I mean, what the f, Connecticut? What. The. F. Pity me, for my viewing of the flick will have to wait a few days until I return to the Final Girl Headquarters. In the meantime, you're on my list, Connecticut. First there's The Nutmeg Incident and now this. Watch your back, that's all I'm sayin'.

Silent Hill 2 is in the works, with Christophe Gans set to return to the director's chair and (lamentable sigh) Roger Avery to return to the writer's...uh, pencil and paper.

There's been some more casting announcements for Rob Zombie's Halloween. Malcolm McDowell has been cast as wacky Dr. Loomis and Tyler Mane (Sabretooth from the X-Men flicks) will be the adult Michael Myers. Meh. Shmeh. Fleh. McDowell's a decent choice, I suppose, and I can't speak much to Tyler Mane...unless Zombie's got Michael all flapping his gums and whatnot, who cares who's under the mask? They've just got to be able to move, you know, in a menacing fashion. Unlike the Michael Myerseses in the last 14 Halloween sequels. So long as Michael doesn't look like a chubby, pasty-faced troll doll (as in...err, the last 14 Halloween sequels), I couldn't care less.

Stuff to see

Now, I don't speak Spanish...BUT! This video is obviously 100% irrefutable absolute proof that there's a WITCH flying around where people speak Spanish. 100% irrefutable absolute proof! Man, between this and the chupacabra, I'm totally moving to Mexico.



Alright, kids. It's time for me to wish you and yours a happy holiday season, whatever holidays you happen to celebrate. I'll be back next week after the egg nog has been downed, the gifts have been opened, the punches have been thrown and Black Christmas has been seen. In the meantime, here's a video of everyone's favorite prancin' grannies, the Del Rubio Triplets. I'm kind of obsessed with them, but that shouldn't come as a surprise. Ho ho ho!



And DON'T FORGET to enter my DAZZLING CURTAINS GIVEAWAY CONTEST. This is your final warning! Send me an email at stacieponder@gmail.com with the subject line Donna Martin Graduates! by midnight, December 30 to enter for your chance to win a copy of the 1983 slasher flick Curtains on VHS. Now that's the Christmas spirit!

I'm just saying...

...there's nothing about this trailer for Hills Have Eyes 2 that I don't like.
I like this so-called "Alexandre" "Aja".

About a Boy

Check it out peeps! Bloody-Disgusting has the first look at the lil' tyke portraying Michael Myers in the upcoming Rob Zombie reimaginingination of Halloween, and it's none other than...

...the 8-year-old Scarlett Johansson! WOW! I have no idea how it was done, casting the 8-year-old Scarlett Johansson in this flick (there must have been some time travel and shit and I'm sorry but science is totally hard), but by gum it's certainly a coup for Mr. Zombie and Company. Hooray!

In case you didn't know, Christmas is coming up fast. That's right, I'm pretty sure it falls on December 25, which is wicked soon. If you don't know what to ask for or you don't know what to buy that special someone, don't fret. There's a new Special Edition of the original Black Christmas out there waiting for you to take it home! Again, I say, perhaps I should just wait until I'm on my deathbed to buy DVDs so as to insure I get the most super wicked awesome ultimate edition of whatever movie. I thought my Collector's Edition was good enough, but nooOOOooo...here comes the "Special" "Edition" with new interviews and commentaries and blah blah blah. Whatever. Has the "Special" "Edition" been Touched By A Margot Kidder? Probably not. I still want it, though. I'm totally trying to be all zen and like nonmaterialistic and shit and not like, you know, want stuff and whatever, but still. This review of the new edition at Fangoria has me all drooling.

Oh, and if Christmas comes and goes and you find yourself all like "Oh fuck, I totes forgot to buy a present for my bitchy old Aunt Peggy!"...well, hush that cryin', child, for The Descent hits store shelves on December 26. Aren't you excited? I am. I'd sort of forgotten about that movie, and I'm all a-twitter to watch it again.

Now, I can forgive your forgetting about your bitchy old Aunt Peggy, but I'll never EVER forgive you if you forget to enter my

DAZZLING CURTAINS GIVEAWAY SWEEPSTAKES!

It won't matter, though, because I know you simply won't be able to forgive yourself. For shame!
Remember people, all you have to do to get a chance to win a VHS copy of the 1983 slasher flick Curtains, all you have to do is send me an email at stacieponder@gmail.com with the subject line Donna Martin Graduates! by midnight, December 30- see how easy I make it for you? And no, sending me money and gifts won't increase your chances of winning.

And by "won't increase your chances of winning", of course I mean "well, anything is possible so you'd might as well send me money and gifts just in case".

A Bad Infection

You know, despite all of my world-weary cynicism and my cold, blackened, anthracite heart, I have a doe-eyed naivete when it comes to horror movies. I'm just always rootin' for 'em, you know? I read a tidbit, I see a production still, I catch a trailer, and the next thing you know I'm patting the movie on the back and saying softly "Yeah. You go get 'em now. Show 'em how it's done and make me proud!" Then, after a pat on its ass, the movie goes off and does its thing. I wipe away a solitary tear and think "Thatta movie!"

Most of the time, of course, this approach only leads to heartache, disappointment, and pain. Sure, there are gems out there just waiting to be discovered- I hope, anyway. That's what keeps me coming back, what keeps me prowling the shelves at the video store. I'm a stubborn fucker and I was raised on a diet of Boston Red Sox games. I know what it is to hope, I know what it is to get kicked in the teeth, and I know what it is to hope a little bit more anyway. But damn, sometimes, after a movie has crapped on my neck, I stare at the box and I think "Why?" Then, if I've had some beer, I say out loud "Why?" After more beer I'll start yelling: "Why did you do this to me? I gave you a chance! I brought you home! Could been so beautiful...coulda been so right! We could've made a great pair, you and I, but noooo! You had to suck! Well, no more! No more fucking movies! I've had it up to here! Horror can just kiss my assssszzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz" and I pass out in a puddle of puke and DVDs. By the next day, however, I've forgotten completely about my drunken tirade and I'm suddenly making eyes at some new movie. Will my heart be broken? Most likely. But as Woody Allen says, "We need the eggs." He also sometimes says "Annie Hall is one of Stacie's favorite movies, but sometimes she thinks about my grossosity, you know, the whole getting it on with my lover's adopted daughter thing. This opens up a longstanding debate within her tortured mind about the separation of art and the artist, a debate that also comes to the forefront when she considers the works of Frankie Muniz."

My point is, I go to the video store and I read this on a box:

For ten years, the children of the world lay comatose, struck down by an eerie plague. And now, they've finally awakened to carry out a common mission: the complete annihilation of the adult human race. Viciously killing anyone over twenty, the zombie-like children spare no one, not even their parents. And as the few surviving adults run for their lives, the question still remains: who- or what- is behind THE PLAGUE?

and I'm all over that shit. It's gonna be Logan's Run meets Dawn of the Dead meets The Bad Seed meets Children of the Corn meets Dawson's Creek! What...what, I ask you, could possibly be better than that? Yes, I said Dawson's Creek, for you see The Plague (2006) features none other than Dawson himself, James Van Der Beek.

The answer to "What could possibly be better than that?", unfortunately, is "Anything"...and the answer to "Who- or what- is behind THE PLAGUE?", unfortunately, is...err, well, we never find out.

Mr. Van Der Beek is Tom, a man recently paroled after spending many moons in the clink for killing a man in a bar fight...how very Roadhouse! Upon his reentry into society, Tom finds that all the children of the world are comatose. Society is virtually ready to collapse without the sweet sweet sounds of their laughter and their stupid baby tears. Before Tom can say "Wow!", however, the children wake up and go nuts, killing all the adults in sight, sometimes with guns but mostly by...umm...well, it looked like pressing. Tom leads a small yet ragtag group of survivors (including his ex-wife The 35-year-old Poor Man's Mischa Barton) in a race for, uh, survival. Armed with naught but a furrowed brow and a copy of Steinbeck's The Grapes of Wrath, can Tom figure out what's going on and save the day? Yes...yes he can. And yes...I said The Grapes of Wrath.

The book, you see, plays a central role in the movie- perhaps the makers of The Plague fancied the film to be some sort of tribute or horror movie-style interpretation, I don't know. It's a weak analogy at best, although Tom (Ha, get it? "Tom"? Like Tom Joad? In the book? Holy fucking shit!) carries around the book in his back pocket all the time and the book ends up in the fucking back pocket of one of the children after Tom has nobly sacrificed himself. I tells ya, when the shot of the book poking out of the kid's back pocket came onscreen, I seriously wanted to punch everyone in the whole entire world. But anyway, check out this scintillating discussion of the book between Tom and his brother:

BROTHER: It's about the Great Depression, isn't it?
(15 second pause)
TOM: Oh yeah...and family, hardship, faith...
(15 second pause)
BROTHER: Huh. I thought it was about the Great Depression.

Isn't that meaningful and deep? It's like watching Oprah's Book Club come alive! Starring James Van Der Beek of television's Dawson's Creek! And those 15 second pauses I indicated up there? Wow, do they add drama! Like these exclamation marks! The more you use them, the better they are! Pause pause fucking pause! Wowee, those pauses dragged the pace of the movie down to such a crawl that I thought perhaps I had fallen into a coma myself! In fact I hoped I had so that I could soon awaken and...uh...press myself to death so I wouldn't have to watch the rest of the movie! EXCLAMATION MARK!

But no such luck. I was somehow awake through the entire thing, for which I guess I should be grateful- otherwise I would've missed the startling range of emotion displayed by James Van Der Beek of television's Dawson's Creek. I mean, get a load of this versatility, will you? It's so satisfying to watch a master of the craft at work.

1) Hey James Van Der Beek of television's Dawson's Creek! You've just returned home from a decade in The Big House. To your surprise, all the children in the entire world have fallen into comas, including your nephew! It's totally weird, right? Can you believe it? I mean, has the world gone mad? Am I right?

2) Hey James Van Der Beek of television's Dawson's Creek! All of a sudden, just like that, the children of the world have awakened from the comas and they're totally wreaking havoc! In fact, you just had to totally kill your nephew after he woke up, smashed your brother's brains in, and then tried to kill you, too! You must be wrought with confusion and grief, am I right?

3) Hey James Van Der Beek of television's Dawson's Creek! You've figured out somehow that in order to save the whole world you must sacrifice yourself to the children! You are about to give up your life, your soul, your Technotronic cassettes, for the good of humanity! How noble, yet how frightening! This is surely the biggest moment of your life, when you are about to step into the Great Unknown, the Great Beyond...but you're saving the whole world...wow! That's something! Am I right?

4) Hey James Van Der Beek of television's Dawson's Creek! The children have suddenly sprouted to be over 60 feet tall! And somehow, they've all turned into leprechauns who fart flaming unicorns whilst doing the Macarena! I mean, that's scary, but it's also funny, right? What a complex tapestry of emotions the giant leprechaun children weave into our hearts and minds...am I right?

See, people? That's range. That is what is called acting.

No, sadly the children did not turn into 60-foot leprechauns who fart flaming unicorns whilst doing the Macarena. If they did, this would be a very, very different review, and I have a feeling that I'd also be a very, very different woman right now. A happy woman. A woman who would be making out with the DVD box for The Plague, a woman who would walk down to the video store later on with her head held high, knowing that her eternal hope isn't always a burden- knowing that sometimes, just sometimes, dreams can come true.

But that's not today. Nosiree. Today, I hate The Plague. Today, I stick my middle finger up at the DVD box because I know that the best thing that came out of watching the movie last night was when this appeared on the screen:

and I made a joke about "Keenan Ivory Sheriff". Was it a good joke? No. No, it wasn't. I'm not ashamed to admit that. It was, however, the best thing about the movie. You shouldn't be surprised, then, when I give the movie 2 out of 10 shouldn't there actually be some kind of illness, epidemic, outbreak, infection, or...ummm...plague if you're going to call your movie The Plague?s.

Blecch ChristmASS

It's time to talk about the elephant in the room, folks. I'm talking, of course, about the trailer for the upcoming remake of Black Christmas.

Despite the fact that it's a remake of one of my favorite slasher flicks, I was willing to give it a chance. I do loves me some horror movies. After viewing the trailer, however, I think the only reason I'd go see it, the only reason it's piqued my interest whatsoever, is the fact that...wait. I can't think of anything, really, to et me in the theatre except that it's a horror movie! The trailer makes it look like any plain ol' mindless cut-em-up you've seen a hundred times before. Shmeh. And girl, don't even get me started on the "drunk" sorority sister! A pale, pale follow up to Margot Kidder's turn in the original.

There's a review of the flick up at indie London already, and it's rated an abysmal 1 out of 5. This quote, to me, is the most telling:

None of the sullen characters warrant any sympathy and merely exist to titillate or get slayed, while the killer himself is over-burdened by a cumbersome back story.

Ah, the cumbersome back story idea. See, the biggest thing the original flick has going for it is the fact that we know nothing about the killer in the attic. Who is he? Why is he killing these girls? We never find out, and it's supremely creepy and haunting. Sure, you can maybe piece together a little something from the content of the obscene phone calls, but it's all speculation. The randomness makes it scary- that's the essence of the movie. Learning that the killer is an escaped lunatic who killed his girlfriend 18 years ago or whatever does not add anything- a huge backstory only serves to demystify and thus...err...de-scarify the entire affair.

For the love of Charles Nelson Reilly, how many fucking times do I have to say it? In horror, most of all, less is more. Have we learned nothing to the havoc wrought on perfectly fine killers when weighed done by a huge "history"? Have we not seen Jeepers Creepers or the Halloween sequels? Come on.

But anyway. Ubercritic Kim Morgan has a super-duper piece about the whole Black Christmas thang over at her super-duper site, Sunset Gun. Go read her thoughts (which contain at least 87% less swearing than mine do) and the skinny on the whole how dare society debut a horror film on Christmas Day?! debacle. Yes, the religious groups are upset, just as they were way back when Silent Night, Deadly Night was released. My favorite "angry letter" from that period came from the furious pen of one Mickey Rooney, wherein he opined

I'm all for the First Amendment but...the scum who made that movie should be run out of town!

Of course, as far as I'm concerned, the fact that the movie is opening on Christmas is the biggest reason why I might get to a theatre to check it out. What is there to do on Christmas after, say, 2pm anyway? Once the gifts have been given, one can eat only so much Jubilee Roll before one desires a horror movie. It's natural.

The Return 2: The Returnening

It's 100% true! After a lengthy sojourn to see all the glittery sights that Los Angeles has to offer, I'm back in my humble abode where the cheese and the laugh lines are totally allowed. 'Twas a magical time on yon Olde Weste Coaste, and as much as the daily drudgery faced when a vacation ends depresses, it's nice to hang out with my pussy posse again.

What? I'm talking about my cats.

So. I'm going to pretend you all care and you're simply dying to get verbal slide show of my vacation. Alright, alright, quiet down and I'll fill you in.

I went roller skating! And I didn't even fall down once! Not to say I wasn't wobbly, and I'm afraid my days of shooting the duck are over. It was super swell fun. The crowd was very surprising- lots of people who are really, really good and really, really not who you'd expect to see on roller skates...like the Ed Asner lookey-likey. It was unfuckingcanny, people. This dude in baggy "cool" jeans would go zipping by, all weaving and whatnot...then he'd flip around and he looked exactly like Ed Asner. EXACTLY. It was very, very, very disturbing, and I don't think there was one time I saw his face that I didn't laugh. I mean, a roller skating Ed Asner is comedy gold, you know? But don't worry- I'm subtle and he never suspected a thing.

I watched TV! Which may not seem like a big deal to you, but the wonders of cable were simply...wonderful. I got sucked into a marathon of America's Next Top Model like nobody's business. It was guilt-free decadence, I tells ya.

I watched Alice! Which is sort of weird, but every night I stayed at Amanda by Night's house, I would surreptitiously put on this Alice DVD she has. Why? What possessed me? Memories, I suppose, of watching the show when I was home sick from school. I used to love the show, and I really thought Vera's dim-witted quips were the height of hystericalosity. And now? Suffice it to say, the show sucks. I never made it through an entire episode without falling asleep. I heard "Kiss my grits!", which would induce roaring fits of laughter in the audience, as would Vera's aforementioned quips. You see, to an 8-year-old, "GI Bill? Isn't that a doll they make for kids?" might be side-splitting. To a 58-year-old, however, it is not. The theme song still rocks, however, and the fact that they made a sitcom based on a Scorsese film is curious, indeed.

I went to the Tar Pits! Ah, yes, the La Brea Tar Pits. I don't know what I was expecting, really, but it wasn't what I got. I think I was expecting a swamp filled with bubbling primordial ooze and huge plants and dragonflies bigger than my head. What I got was some fenced off black ponds in the middle of a very urban area. It was still cool, but like I said, not like I expected. Just like that time I found "Indian Mounds" on a map and drove to them all excitedly. I was expecting something like Pet Sematary but instead it was just some grassy bumps.

I did touristy things! Like a hike up by the Hollywood sign and a walk down Hollywood Boulevard to Mann's Chinese Theatre. Did you know that Martin Lawrence has a cement square in front of the theatre? Yes, Martin Lawrence, alongside like...Cary Grant and Bette fucking Davis. Martin Lawrence. I feel like his inclusion sort of cheapens the whole idea...then again, perhaps I'm too ignorant to appreciate the subtle nuances of his performances in Big Momma's House, not to mention Big Momma's House 2.

I watched movies like nobody's business! Movies out the wazzoo, people, and that ain't a lie. Among the flicks watched:

Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning What a fucking waste of time. An absolute piece of shit, pointless, waste of time. I honestly think this movie is the most pointless film ever made in the history of ever. EVER. EVAAARRRRR. Hooray, it's Leatherface's backstory. He was deformed and picked on, so he was angry. Then his cuckoo nutso adoptive family decides to go cannibal just like that. So...they're crazy! And let's have another stupid Chainsaw dinner scene, which adds nothing to the storyline whatsoever. In fact, they don't even have dinner! They bring the girl up to the table, then they take her away. I just...can't...I hated this movie so much that if I ever run into it in an alley, dark or otherwise, I will kick its ass. Without hesitation, even if it's wearing glasses.

Shark Attack 2 This was pretty good B-Movie crap stuff and I liked it, but boy, it's no Shark Attack 3: Megalodon. Then again, what is? No film, man, or beast can compete with that movie. It's a losing battle from the start.

Night of the Demon Ah, finally, a cheesy Bigfoot movie for the masses. Have you ever seen a biker get his wang ripped off by Bigfoot? Have you ever seen Bigfoot grab a knife-wielding Girl Scout in each hand and make them stab each other to death? No? Then NotD is the movie for you. I was lovin' it right up to the very disturbing Bigfoot rape scene...then it seemed to take a turn from good/bad to skeezy, uncomfortable/bad. That sucked.

Cry_Wolf Good sweet mother of everything. I can't even say anything about this movie except that it's stupid stupid stupid and I can't believe I sat through the whole thing. I realize that "stupid stupid stupid" doesn't tell you anything and isn't a very professional critique, but it's true. It's one of the flat-out stupidest movies I've ever seen. Sometimes a succint comment is the most accurate. Stupid stupid stupid.

Shower of Blood This softcore movie wherein strippers actresses wash their fake tits repeatedly for a long time and there's some vampires who shoot lightning out of their fingers and dance to some Scott Joplin-esque Ragtime-y music was so bad...so GOOD bad...that it quickly earned a spot near the top of my "Best Bad Movies of All Time" list. Seriously. It was so good we watched it twice. It was so good I literally fell on the floor during a bout of laughter. For more on this flick that begs the eternal question "Is this bad on purpose?", please read SuperHeidi's review. Then find yourself a copy. It's unbelieveable.

And so on. So many movies, they're all a blur, really.

I went to Tori Spelling's house!

Yes, I went to Tori Spelling's house for a yard sale and picked through her crap. I mean...why not, you know? I will admit, it was pretty gross-feeling-inducing, seeing people paw through her belongings. I kind of just stood around and watched the scene unfold...until Amanda and I found the VHS tapes. People, I think you'll be just as surprised as I was to find out that Tori Spelling has fanfuckingtastic taste in...horror movies. She had more horror than anything else. And it was good stuff, too! I couldn't believe it! From Halloween (1, 2, & 3) to Children of the Corn to Suspiria to Repulsion, as well as lesser known gems like He Knows You're Alone and Don't Be Afraid of the Dark, I was blown away. I have a new respect for the woman! Amanda bought me Dirty Dancing, because I've never seen it. I still have absolutely no desire to watch it, but there's something so magically delicious about owning Tori Spelling's copy of Dirty Dancing that made it impossible to resist. I picked up Let's Scare Jessica to Death and the hard to find slasher gem Curtains. Which brings me to my next and final point (if you're still reading this never-ending post)...

Yeah, so I have Tori Spelling's copy of Curtains, which I bought because it was cheap and it was in the original box. But you see, I already own a copy of Curtains that's not in the original box. Wanting the box art may be pathetically nerdish, but what can I say? Don't make too much fun of me, because my pathetic nerdishness might just lead to awesomeness for YOU! Yes, you. For you see, it's now time for

FINAL GIRL'S DAZZLING CURTAINS GIVEAWAY SWEEPSTAKES!

WHEREIN YOU CAN WIN A COPY OF THE RARE CANADIAN SLASHER FLICK CURTAINS! ISN'T THAT DAZZLING?

Yes, it is. For those of you who don't know Curtains, let me say it's not a great slasher, but it's pretty good. It does, however, feature one of the greatest scenes in any slasher flick ever, as well as one of the spookiest-looking slasher killers ever.

Not bad, eh? OK, so, to win your very own VHS copy of Curtains, just send me an email (to: stacieponder@gmail.com) with the subject line Donna Martin Graduates! by midnight, December 30. I'll do the ol' pull a name out of a hat trick and send one lucky winner a dazzling videocassette. Easy!

It's good to be home, but I miss those palm trees.

catch up

No, kids, I didn't get sucked into a nerd vortex at Mid-Ohio-Con and I'm not currently writing this from another dimension. I am, however, writing this from the sunny climes of Los Angeles, where the sky is blue, the trees are palm, the milk is soy, and the boobs are fake. I like it here, though I feel very stranger in a strange land.

The aforementioned Mid-Ohio-Con was pretty cool, if at times slow and dull. Walking by the tables of a teeny tiny Joyce DeWitt and gone-grey Richard Kline I could pretend I was hanging out at the Regal Beagle circa '78...I suppose that was something. It was fun to pontificate a bit and crack wise on the horror panel...I sat next to the legendary Al Feldstein, the EC Comics artist and former EIC of Mad Magazine. He's my new best friend. I sold some comics and junk and overall had a lovely time. Hooray for nerd cons!

Oh, and I did have to spend a bit of the money I earned on the most ridiculous yet wonderful thing ever: a complete set of Dallas trading cards.

Yes, all you favorites are here, from Lucy and Miss Ellie to Sue Ellen looking glamourous, natch.

The set shows the Ewing clan doing other glamourous things as well, such as eating breakfast!

I know what you're thinking..."Sure, sure, Stacie. That breakfast card is sweet and all, but where's the action? Where are the cards depicting the more scintillating side of Dallas, like Jock breaking up a fight between JR and Bobby?" Well, bitches, here you go:

Action packed, no? If that's not enough for you action lovers out there, then hold on to your hats and get a load of this...

Bobby and Ray doing paperwork. How cool is that? See how they're laughing?

Sigh.

I'll have something even more horror-related tomorrow, I swear. Right now, however, I need to go get a nose job.

ConMania

Tell me, people...can you smell the nerds in the air?

It's reminderin' time! Tomorrow begins Mid-Ohio-Con, wherein I'll be parked at a table selling stuff, expounding upon all things horror great and small at a panel, and hanging out with my pal and tablemate Dirk "Nightmare World" Manning. I hope to see some of you there - not all of you, of course, but some of you. The rest of you can take a flying leap. Be sure to look for me: I'll be the one in the Balrog costume!

Just kidding. I'll be dressed in my finest regular finery, although I did pick up a smart little tulle and taffeta number with lots of brocade to wear to the panel. I hope I'm not underdressed! Perhaps I should get some baby's breath woven into my flaxen locks just in case.

I'll have comics and art to sell, but most important will be the new editions to the StacieCo line...behold, bitches! I give you...the button maker. And a cat.

That's Chloe yelling to the heavens in a jealous rage at her lack of a Badge-a-Minit-Megatron 2000 and opposable thumbs with which to use said Badge-a-Minit-Megatron 2000. I'm telling you, this button-maker is the greatest invention in the history of ever, people...greater than the lightbulb, the wheel, fire, and penicillin. It's even greater than I Can't Believe It's Not Butter! I'm super retardedly excited about it, as sad as that may be. But the possibilities...the possibilities! They're endless! I've totally hitched my wagon to the star that is the Badge-a-Minit-Megatron 2000. I spent hours designing and making buttons like crazy yesterday to have at the con...my frickin' arm is even sore. I don't even like wearing buttons, but the draw may be too great for my weak defenses.

I'm playing with the notion of making a button that says ASK ME ABOUT MY BUTTON!, an idea that for some reason I find endlessly hilarious. It's extra hilarious when I think about what I'd say if I were to make the button and wear the button and get someone to ask me about the button. I'd only reply with "Isn't it neat?", which...I don't know...that really amuses me.

Wish me luck with the unwashed masses! NerdCon, here I come, buttons in hand!

Holiday Greetings

What's better on Thanksgiving than a little news about Halloween? Of course I'm talking about the upcoming Halloween reimagining/remakenbake from Rob Zombie, silly! Nyuk, nyuk.

Bloody-Disgusting has the scoop on the synopsis and casting info of the as-yet-untitled flick, scheduled to hit screens on August 31, 2007. Everything I've written below the picture is very spoiler heavy, so if you want to be completely surprised by the movie then avert yer gaze now! Come back tomorrow! Don't look! Or if you're like me, that is curious (yellow), then read on, my friends...read on.

Are you still here? I figured as much, you greedy things! Isn't tiny plastic Michael terrifying? Anyway, here's the skinny, yo. It's a huge cast list...I've marked in bold the characters returning from the John Carpenter film for your ease of use. See? I live to give.

STORY LINE: After being committed for 17 years, Michael Myers, now a grown man and still very dangerous, is mistakenly released from the mental institution (where he was committed as a 10 year old) and he immediately returns to Haddonfield, where he wants to find his baby sister, Laurie. Anyone who crosses his path is in mortal danger.

[MICHAEL MYERS (10 YEARS OLD)] Caucasian, 8-12 years old, to play 10. Stringy haired, awkward kid, you get a sense that something is off just by looking at him. He has a very unstable mental state. He enjoys torturing/killing animals and then people. He hates his teenage sister, his stripper mother, and her abusive boyfriend Ronnie. He is, however, protective and very attached to his baby sister, who he calls Boo. This is very disturbing material that we need a very capable young actor for.

[LAURIE STRODE] Emancipated or legal 18 to play 17, Caucasian female. Pretty in an unassuming, natural way, this is Michael Meyer's baby sister. She is a normal, real, smart good girl, who is very responsible and caring. The second Michael sees her, he knows. Once he finds her, he will not let go, and Laurie has a strange feeling all day that someone is watching her...An actress who is riveting to watch.

[ANNIE BRACKETT] Emancipated or legal 18 to play 18, Caucasian, female. PARTIAL NUDITY REQUIRED FOR THIS ROLE. She is LAURIE'S best friend, cute, and curly-haired, full of teen enthusiasm and charm. Borderline bad girl (she rebels, but in a sweet way).

[LYNDA] Emancipated or legal 18 to play 18, Caucasian, female. FULL NUDITY WILL BE REQUIRED for this role. She looks like the hot cheerleader type, but has a bad attitude to go with it. She is the girl that convinced you to smoke cigarettes, smoke weed, steal your parents' car and taught you how to French kiss by making out with your older brother. She is all about opportunity.

[TOMMY DOYLE] 7-12 to play 8 years old, any ethnicity, a cute little boy who talks too much and whose babysitter is LAURIE. He is a mop top of a boy who asks lots of questions, and is filled with fear on Halloween. He believes in the boogey man and the wolf man, and sees Michael Myers before anyone else does.

[JUDITH MYERS] Emancipated or legal 18 to play 16 years old, Caucasian, female. FULL NUDITY REQUIRED FOR THIS ROLE. A celebration of the Trailer trash slut. She dresses inappropriately for her age, and uses her sexuality for mass effect. She flirts with Ronnie even though he is her mom's boyfriend. She and Michael are not close, they fight a lot and she walks in on him while he is masturbating to his photo album of past pet kills. Her response? She calls him a pervert. In no way will this girl ever be a model citizen.

[WESLEY RHOADES] 14-16 years old to play 14, School-bully #1, ugly, acne-scarred. Teases Michael about his mom's profession.

[SHANE WILLIAMS] 14-16 years old, WESLEY'S sidekick, overweight, red headed. Also a bully. He tells Michael that he'd like to get physical with his mom, Deborah. He is Wesley's yes man.

[LOU MARTINI] 51 years old, large sloth of a man, bartender at the strip joint. Cares about business, and is not concerned with Deborah's troubled personal life.

[PRINCIPAL ERICS] 47 years old, thin, nervous, stiff guy who stutters when nervous. He's the Principal at Michael's school. Michael frightens him.

[ASST. PRINCIPAL JANSEN] 45 years old, attractive, older woman. School administrator.

[STEVE] 16 years old, big mess of curly hair, "string-bean" body. JUDITH'S boyfriend. He has sex with JUDITH and then brags about it. He is a life like skinny stoner character.

[FEMALE NEWS REPORTER #1] Describes the murders taking place. Real television reporting experience a plus.

[REPORTER #2] Describes the murders taking place. Real television reporting experience a plus.

[MARIA SANTOS] 34 years old, REPORTER

[MORGAN WALKER] 54 years old. Sanitarium's Head of Operations. Rail-thin man in a dark gray suit. He is responsible for MICHAEL'S escape. WE ARE LOOKING FOR A STRONG CAMEO APPEARANCE HERE - STAR NAMES ONLY

[DR. KOPLENSON] 45 years old, head physician at Sanitarium, large bearded man with a bandaged eye, recommends minimum security for MICHAEL MEYERS. WE ARE LOOKING FOR A STRONG CAMEO APPEARANCE HERE - STAR NAMES ONLY

[COUNCILMAN EDWARDS ] 52 years old. "Puffy" man with a bad comb over; WE ARE LOOKING FOR A STRONG CAMEO APPEARANCE HERE - STAR NAMES ONLY

[ELLEN LOOMIS] 55 years old, attractive silver-haired woman. The bedrock of the Loomis household. She is the ideal wife, caring supportive, terrifically worried about her husband's borderline obsession with his most famous patient. She is long suffering and a woman who the audience will need to connect with.

[LISA GREY] 50 years old, EILEEN'S best friend. She comes over for dinner more often than not, and often brings the wine she likes to drink. Thank god Eileen has Lisa to lean on!

[LUKE GREY] 56 years old, Older DR. LOOMIS' friend and Lisa's husband, distinguished looking professor type.

[KENDALL JACKS] Attendant at the Sanitarium, NOEL KLUGGS' trouble making buddy, and rapist. He is in excellent physical shape - he can handle the rowdy patient. He is one half of a terrifying team - no one wants these two attending their sick family members.

[KAREN MERCY] 27 years old, cute, severely mentally disabled, at sanitarium.

[EARL HICKS] 35 years old, graveyard-shift security guard at sanitarium.

[BILL JUDGE] 30s-50s, another security guard.

[BIG JOE GRIZZLY] 45 years old, large mountain-man. His size gives him a natural confidence, and he does not scare easily. He is a trucker dressed in dirty coveralls.

[MASON STRODE] 51 years old, handsome man with graying hair. LAURIE'S dad. He hates corporate America. He is concerned with his daughter's safety, is a great guy, and seems to be the father figure that would survive any horror film.

[CYNTHIA STRODE] 45 years old, attractive woman with classic bone structure. MASON'S wife. LAURIE'S mom. Should look like a corn fed Midwestern all American mom, not pulled too tight.

[DEREK ALLEN] 55 years old, unshaven country type, dressed in hunting gear, works at a Gun Store (WEAPONS GALORE!) WE ARE LOOKING FOR A STRONG CAMEO APPEARANCE HERE – THE GREAT AMERICAN CHARACTER ACTOR WHO LOVES A GOOD SPOTLIGHT SCENE.

[GRANT CLARK] 54 years old, cemetery grounds-keeper. He has worked at this cemetery all of his adult life. Takes pride in his work.

[PAUL] 18-19, probably held back a year, as he is ANNIE'S Boyfriend (Annie likes older guys, even if they are stupid). He is a stringy or shaggy haired bony faced teenager. He smokes, but they are probably menthols. A dude.

[BARBARA FLORENTINE] 52 years old, head of Haddonfield Adoption Agency. A real 'Stick to the Rules' type. Character actors welcome.

[LIEUTENANT CHARLES] A police officer who is there throughout the film, as a man devoted to his job and his community.

[STAN CAMPBELL] 60 years old, the county coroner. One line - has had this job for years.

[MR. DOYLE] TOMMY'S Dad. One scene. Caucasian, middle-aged. A parent type.

[MRS. DOYLE] TOMMY'S Mom. One scene. Caucasian, middle-aged. A parent type.

[AARON KRAMER] 53 years old, nervous looking file clerk, on parole, a drug user. Says "um" a lot, works for BARBARA. GREAT FUN CAMEO FOR A BELOVED CHARACTER ACTOR OF NOTE.

[LINDSAY WALLACE] 9 years old, any ethnicity, the young girl that ANNIE baby-sits. She ignores ANNIE and is enthralled with the TV. She is very smart, probably smarter than Annie. This is a role that requires a lot of scene specific smart acting choices.

[BOB SIMMS] 17 years old, tall, long haired stoner-type. He is Lynda's boyfriend, and likes to guzzle beer.

[OFFICER LOWERY] 34 years old, he responds to LAURIE'S 911 call.
__________________________________________________________

I guess Dr. Loomis is already cast, since he's not on the list; same goes for Annie's dad.

What's most noteworthy to me is the light Mr. Zombie is casting on Michael, his sister Judith, and their mother. So...Michael's a serial killer in training, what with the "weirdness" and the killing of animals. Judith is a "trailer trash slut" and calls Michael a pervert so, you know, in a way she totally deserves to get killed by her brother. And, of course, their mother is a stripper. Sigh.

This effort is going to be so far removed from the original that it's not really worth comparing the two...which, as always, leaves me begging the question "Why not change the plot just a teensy bit more and come up with something completely original?" Going by the casting call list alone, I think you can already guage what the tone will be like for this movie- sort of dirty and nasty and ugly. I mean, full nudity (for the women, of course)! Strippers! Druggies! Animal killings! Everything completely opposite to Carpenter's work. Why not, I suppose, if it's "reimagining". I can't say it sounds appealing, but that's probably just me.

John Carpenter and Debra Hill created a myth with their version of Michael Myers. He was the boogeyman, the one who keeps everyone awake at night. He was The Shape. Rob Zombie seems to be creating a standard serial killer with his version of Michael Myers. That idea seems a little dull to me, to demystify such an intriguing character- I mean, look how bad things got when they tried to explain Michael Myers in Parts 5 and 6.

But hey, you know...vive la difference and all that.

Posterpalooza

Ahem. Yes. Discuss.

Ho Ho Horrible

You know what I totally love? You guys. No, really. You guys are all so rad, what with the reading of this humble enterprise and the commenting and the sending me links and stuff. I do so like it when people send me links to various whatnots around The Internet for, you see, many things come and go and I miss them. Despite what you may think, I do things other than Final Girl. I know you don't like to hear that, but it's true. Final Girl may light up my life, but the fact is I'm not always online. I'm not always "jacked in" or "logged on" or whatever other outdated Interspeak you can come up with. My point here is, keep sending me links if you feel like it. It doth rock mightily.

For instance, in a recent comment, a supercool reader pointed me to Ain't it Cool News, where there's a comparison of the posters for both the original Black Christmas and the upcoming remake. I've brought the images home to roost for discussion, thanks to the power of The Internet. Let us begin with the poster for the original movie, this one in particular is sporting one of the film's alternate titles:

OK, alright. Nothing terribly spectacular, but nothing terribly awful, either. The corpse with a bag is probably the most enduring image from the film, so it's fitting to use it here. I like the tagline...it's so so 70s, when, instead of trying to be a cool catchphrase, taglines tried to convince you that films were shocking and terrifying (see also: Last House on the Left, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre). Nowadays there's no real pizzazz, you know? It's like..."Evil has a new face!", which just makes me think, "Well, good for evil! How nice."

Now then, on to the poster for the remake. Before I put it up here, let me just say that I have Flintstones Chewable Dial-Up Internet Service here. Yes, I know...how very 20th century of me. The reason this matters is, I read the copy on Ain't It Cool before the image loaded and I was led to believe by the praise therein that the poster would be...well...not what I think...anyway, look at it, will you?

What. The fuck. IS THAT? I'm not just being prejudicial against the remake, I swear. I have the highest hopes for every single horror movie that emerges on screens both large and small, honestly, no matter what. But that, my friends...that poster is a piece of brightly colored crap. I really hate to get my nerd on like this, but that fucking font used on the tagline drives me nuts. Who decided to use some fucking KidPrintScriptBullShit facsimile from Microsoft Fucking Word on a horror movie poster? I see no reason to ever use such a whimsical font, least of all on a horror movie poster.

Now then, the image itself. Is that a dead person? Is that someone hiding from someone else, being scared? Is someone waiting under the fucking fiber optics to see if Santa will really come to snack on the cookies and milk? I have no idea. It's pretty damn reminiscent of the poster for the remake of The Hills Have Eyes, an image which I also thought was terrible. It could have maybe been ok, but the girl pinned down looks decidedly unterrified. Maybe they're just reusing the same bland girl head over and over again with different toppings for different movies. Now it's a hand! Now it's fiber optics! Use it again for the Halloween remake, but be sure to use a pumpkin!

Is the remake officially being called "Black Xmas"? I guess that red "x" means something bad will happen during the movie, but frankly it just makes me assume I should watch the movie whilst drinking a Mountain Dew and doing a goofy foot ollie kickflip on my board. How hip!

Ah, Mondays.

Mistaken Identity

Months and months ago, for one reason or another, I went to Pittsburgh. Whilst doing my thing in Pittsburgh, whatever that thing happened to be, I came across a massive store selling all manner of music and movies. They had a great horror section, full of older, used titles, and I came out with a big bagful of VHS. ‘Twas a magical afternoon in yon Olde Pittsburghe Towne.

One of the movies I picked up was a little something called Trick or Treat, starring David Carradine and Carrie Snodgress. The box promised that this movie, the anxiously-awaited directorial debut of Orson Welles’ chief cameraman, would be a terrifying tale of spoiled brats, magic tricks, and an escaped nutso from the local insane asylum. After Trick or Treat came home with me, I checked out some reviews online and, shock of all shocks, it seemed that the promises promised by the box would turn out to be the lies of a liar. Apparently, it’s a dull, plodding movie with no scares whatsoever. Unexcited about the prospect of watching a dull, plodding movie with no scares whatsoever, I kept putting off putting it in the VCR. There was always something better to watch, or something worse to watch but at least the crappiness and letdown would be a surprise.

Push came to shove the other night, however. In a fit of reckless abandon, I decided to attempt to recapture the glory days of USA’s Saturday Nightmares or Up All Night and stay up late watching a horror movie. Perusing my shelf, I saw the Trick or Treat box peering at me plaintively, sending me signals of neglect and rejection. Dude, I sent it signals right back. I was all “Trick or Treat, nothing personal, but…I know you’re gonna suck. I’ve read all about you, and quite frankly, I can’t say that I’m all that enthusiastic about spending 90 minutes with you.” The next thing I know, Trick or Treat was totally getting whiny and was all “But you brought me home! You brought me into your home, you put me on a shelf, and you’ve ignored me ever since. How do you know I’m not the right movie for you? Just because I’m misunderstood by everyone, doesn’t mean that you and I won’t really connect, dig? We could really get something special going if you’d only give me a chance to make you happy.” I thought Trick or Treat was getting in way too deep here, so I was all “Trick or Treat, listen, I—“ and then Trick or Treat cut me off with “If you’re not going to watch me, then cut me loose, dammit. Just cut me loose! Sell me on eBay, sell me at Half Price Books. Take me to Goodwill and offer me up to the poor, tired, huddled masses. Drive me all the way back to Pittsburgh and throw me in the Monongahela, I don’t even care anymore. But if I sit here ignored next to your copy of Clash of the Titans much longer, there’s no telling what I’ll do.”

So I was like “Umm…are you threatening me, Trick or Treat? Are you fucking threatening ME in MY house? Because I will totally whale on you like you’ve never—“ but then I stopped. Trick or Treat had started to cry softly. I couldn't take it...I relented. I decided just to watch the damn movie and get it over with. I didn’t want to fight anymore, you know? I just wanted to sit in the dark and watch a horror movie without all the fussin’ and the fuedin’. So, after months and months of procrastination, I took the tape over to the VCR, put it in, pressed play, and…

It was the wrong fucking movie! After all that time, it wasn’t even the right Trick or Treat. You see, instead of the 1982 David Carradine flick, I was treated to the 1986 Trick or Treat starring Marc Price of television’s Family Ties as a mulleted metalhead who unleashes the spirit of a dead rocker upon the bullies who bully him.

I have to admit, when I realized what was going on, I was a little excited. I’d seen Trick or Treat in the theatre during its initial run, and while I didn’t remember going all goo-goo over it, surely it had to be better than the turkey I’d been avoiding. I’m sorry to say, however, that as the movie progressed, I remembered that I thought Trick or Treat sucked when I saw it the first time and lo and behold, it still kinda sucked. It fit the bill of late night cheesy horror, though, so I suppose I was satisfied on that level.

As I said, Marc Price of television’s Family Ties stars as Eddie “Ragman” Weinbauer, your typical picked-on, metal-lovin’, mullet-sportin’ outcast. He’s humiliated repeatedly by the preppy crowd, led by none other than Doug Savant of television’s Melrose Place. Eddie finds solace in music, particularly the supposedly scary devil-worshipping style but really lite and lame style metal music of his hero, Sammi Curr. When Curr dies in a hotel fire, Eddie is distraught. As a…err, consolation prize, Eddie receives from a DJ friend (Gene Simmons of television's KISS in a cameo) the studio acetate of Curr’s last recording. Soon enough, Eddie is playing the record backwards and communicating with Sammi Curr from beyond the grave. To further make Tipper Gore’s worst nightmares come true, Eddie and Sammi make a pact to “get back” at all the bullies.

No one really ends up getting terribly harmed, but Eddie thinks things are getting out of hand anyway and tells Sammi their reign of lite terror needs to end. Sammi ain’t havin’ none of that, though, and decides to show up for real. Now corporeal, Sammi starts shooting Emperor Palpatine-style lightning out of his fingers and his guitar while he glowers at the camera “menacingly”. It’s up to Eddie to save the day, but how can he turn against his “rock warrior hero”?

Yeah. Trick or Treat starts out promising, and I think Marc Price does a believable job as the metalhead outcast everyone knew in high school. Once Sammi Curr starts wreaking “havoc”, though, the movie falls apart. The end is dull and drawn out as Eddie races around town destroying radios and avoiding Sammi’s glowering. Though I yearn for those sweet sweet yesterdays when our high school’s disenfranchised youth would play heavy metal records backwards and invoke the evil spirits of dead heavy metal rockers to smite their enemies instead of simply toting shotguns to school, Trick or Treat is just kind of a mess.

It’s entirely possible, however, that I avoided an even bigger mess by watching this Trick or Treat, so I suppose I should be thankful. At least the box will no longer stare at me longingly from afar.