I love Indian food!

Did you know that I love movies about demonic possession? I've only mentioned it 9256 times, so it's entirely possible that you don't know. Or didn't know, I should say, because now you do: I loves me some movies about demonic possession. The thing about this subgenre, however, is that there's pretty much only two ways to go: you either rip-off The Exorcist, or you don't. If a film is on the grounded in reality side of the fence, as are The Last Exorcism and The Exorcism of Emily Rose, then there's not much ripping off. But if the film is of a more shocking, straight-up horror bent, then it will pale in the shadow of The Exorcist. Mind you, The Exorcist is soooooooo much more than its most shocking moments- but the movies that came after (particularly in the late 70s and early 80s) ape nothing but the effects and therefore wallow in Pazuzu's shadow. Ovidio Assonitis's Beyond the Door (1974) is one such movie.

The film begins with a voiceover from Satan. Yeah, I'll just let that sit there for a moment.

Meet Jessica Barrett (Juliet Mills), a housewife from San Francisco. While her husband Robert (Gabriele Lavia, Revenge of the Dead) is off producing fabulously funky record albums (yes, record albums- it was the 70s), Jessica goes grocery shopping and deals with two of the most awful, obnoxious children ever committed to celluloid. Ken slurps Campbell's pea soup from the can (GET IT PEA SOUP) while Gail constantly has her nose buried in one of the dozen copies of Erich Segal's Love Story she's always toting (GET IT OH WAIT I DON'T GET IT) They bicker, they whine, they swear, and they're generally unpleasant. Imagine the joy the Barretts feel when they discover that birth control has failed and there's another jerk on the way!

domestic bliss: Jessica rehearses suicide (or tastes batter, whatever)

Meanwhile, Dimitri (Richard Johnson, The Haunting) wanders around, spying on the elder Barretts. See, he's Jessica's long-lost ex and now he's on a mission from Satan: in exchange for a few more years of life, Dimitri needs to ensure that Jessica's unborn baby completes its journey down the baby hatch. This is because, somehow, it's Satan's baby. That's right, Satan can infect a baby with evil just like that- sans chalky mousse or the aid of the Castevets!

As you may expect, carrying the spawn of Satan in your baby-place is not without its downside. See, Satan spreads his dominion beyond the door womb and things get totally craycray up in the Barrett household. Okay, maybe not totally craycray, but there's one night when the kids' room starts shaking and the floor lights up (like, through the floorboards-style, not disco-style. Unfortunately.) and toys move around and dolls get extra creepy via glowing eyes. It's some Poltergeist shit!

Jessica, of course, has it far worse. During some Paranormal Activity shit, she's visited in the night by an unseen force that cruelly removes her bedcovers. Then she floats around the room and...wait, did I say she has it worse? Fuck that! I'd love to float around.

The baby grows at an exponential rate and Jessica fears it's trying to kill her. She's sort of right, for her condition rapidly deteriorates. What starts out as vomiting blood and eating rotten banana peels off the street (???) soon becomes hi-Exorcist shenanigans like head-spinning, speaking in different voices, and puking up green stuff...although perhaps it's worth noting that her vom is more palak paneer than it is pea soup.

Okay, it's not worth noting, but I felt like noting it anyway.


As the screencaps show, Jessica also sweats and suddenly has weird eyes and corn teeth. During these moments, I felt hearts shoot right out of my eyeballs and into Beyond the Door. What can I say- I'm a sucker for that kind of thing.

Eventually Dimitri stalks Robert so hard that they end up meeting. Dimitri convinces Robert that he wants to help Jessica. Robert is all, "okay". I mean, what else is he gonna do? Oh yeah- he briefly tries some science with a doctor friend. The results prove nothing, but the...science apparatus did give me an opportunity to imagine that a possessed Jessica was visiting a hair salon, so all was not lost.

Once Dimitri enters the room beyond the door (SEE WHAT I DID THERE), things go from mostly incomprehensible to "dammit, we passed incomprehensible 20 minutes ago". Satan whines about always having to be born into another person's body and no one knows the suffering of a body-squatter Then he demands that Dimitri "plunge his hands into her" and rip out the baby. He refuses so Satan kills him, and the baby is stillborn. Hooray, the Barretts are back to normal! OR ARE THEY?

I know what you're thinking. That is some Zoltan: Hound of Dracula shit!

There's an awful lotta wrong in Beyond the Door. There are several lengthy passages where characters walk around the city while crazy 70s music plays; don't get me wrong, I dug the music, but the scenes went on too long and largely felt like filler. The time could have been better spent on things like...oh, you know, characters and the plot. Still, there's no denying that there's a certain...mmm, "charm" doesn't seem right somehow...there's a certain something to the scene where Robert is relentlessly harassed by a dude playing a recorder-flute-thing with his nose.

Everything's just too damn vague in this film and we don't much care about what's going on, never mind the undeveloped characters, which give us no reason to invest in their stories or plight. Dimitri explains things to Robert without explaining anything. Jessica is full-on possessed pretty quickly, and then suddenly she's not possessed. It's all sort of shrug-worthy, which...dammit, demonic possession is not supposed to be shrug-worthy! It's supposed to be terrifying and awful.

Still, there are a few things that work in the movie. There's a nugget of a worthwhile story buried deep under all the crap; we get peeks at it when Jessica confides in a friend that she dreams of running away from it all, or when she yells at Robert for not giving her "any room to breathe". If The Exorcist is in part a metaphor for puberty and burgeoning sexuality, then Beyond the Door is in part a metaphor for those- women in particular- who are dissatisfied with the idea of traditional domesticity. Granted, I may be stretching it a bit and that "in part" is a verrrrrrry small one, but it's there. Don't worry about having to think much, though, as it's never addressed in any real way. It's too bad, because it would have put some meat on the movie's bones.

The shocks, for what they are, suffice for the sub-genre. Yeah, we've seen them all before in The Exorcist, but if you dug 'em then, why wouldn't you dig 'em now? Demonic sweat is always good. And there's one bit with Jessica's eyes that- well, I don't want to spoil it but it literally made me gasp. It's a moment like that in The Exorcist when Regan has been acting out (if you can call masturbating with a crucifix "acting out") and suddenly throws her head back, her eyes stark white and her throat stark lumpy. Basically, it's that moment when "acting out" blows past "she's ill" and heads into "what the eff is going on here this is really not right" territory.

Like me, fans of possession movies will probably enjoy Beyond the Door, if only because it brings to mind thoughts of its far-superior predecessor. However, The Exorcist shouldn't get too high and mighty- after all, I didn't seen anyone play a recorder-flute-thing with their nose in that movie.

Buy Beyond the Door at Boulevard Movies and judge for yourself, judgey!

don't forget!

Tonight at 8pm PST / 11pm EST join me and Heidi Martinuzzi for The Scare-ening! We'll be chatting with actress/writer Brea Grant of Heroes and Halloween 2. You can totally call in and, like, talk to her and stuff. Only a jerk wouldn't want to do that!

The Scare-ening, with guest Brea Grant

This may be Photoshopped.

Bloggenaire: Nate Yapp, Classic Horror

Man, Classic Horror has been around since before I was born (not true)! Over there, Mr. Yapp and Company- yes, there's "and Company"- celebrates the history of horror...in style. Seriously, it's one of those prettified sites that makes me want to punch a kitten in a rage- such is my design envy. Lucky for them (and kittens everywhere) that their content, from reviews to interviews and everything in between, is so good I can't not read it. Still...jerks.

1) What's the key moment that led you to click that "Start Your Blog" button?

Gather roun', children. Let me tell you about the days before the blog. A long time ago but sometime after lunch, I was a 16-year-old boy at a critical nexus in my life. I wrote a research paper on horror films for my sophomore writing class which awoke my hibernating passion for the horror film. At the same time, I learned this magic computer writing called HTML and I needed a project with which to develop the skill. The first iteration of the site that would become Classic-Horror.com was coded by hand in Textpad and then uploaded to an Angelfire free hosting account. I didn't have a button for starting a so-called blog for another seven or eight years. Now get off my porch.

2) Please describe your blog in no more than 3 sentences. You must include the words / phrases "morbid", "aesthetic", and "electromagnetic".



Classic-Horror.com concerns itself largely with scary movie entertainment of yesteryear, when it was actually put on celluloid and not susceptible to being wiped out by an electromagnetic pulse from space. We are especially appreciative of films that hold to a macabre or morbid aesthetic, rather than one of sadism.

3) Bearing in mind that opinions are subjective (except mine because I'm always right), do you enjoy movies that are generally considered "bad"? Why or why not?



I love a bad movie that had good intentions behind it – filmmakers like Edward D. Wood Jr. and whatnot who were really trying to add something to the landscape of cinema. Yes, I'll mock and make jokes, but I feel it's in the spirit of the production. They attempted to make a contribution, so I will give them my full attention and respond to their work as comes naturally to me.



On the flipside, there are those calculating direct-to-video sequels and rip-offs, the cynical corporate projects where its clear that nobody involved gives a damn. I'm thinking of horsedung like The Cell 2, which has a random car chase stuck in the middle simply to have an action sequence. I hate those things and I usually won't review them.

4) Did you know that there exists one variety of carnivorous parrot? It's true. They live in the mountains of New Zealand, and they eat the fat surrounding the kidneys of sheep- WHILE THE SHEEP ARE ALIVE. It's horrible.

Horrible... or awesome?

5) What's the one- ONE- horror movie you love so much you want to stick it down your pants?



That's between me and James Whale's Frankenstein.

6) Adrienne Barbeau. Discuss.



Every time I think of Adrienne Barbeau, I think of this moment in The Fog where she sort of grips a cigarette between her teeth as she lights it. I don't know why, but I find it incredibly sexy, even though smoking is gross.

7) Why should people bother to read your blog?



Because I MADE IT for YOU! *ahem* Sorry about that. Seriously, though, I've put ten years of my life into this website because I firmly believe that horror is an important part of our cultural landscape and that it deserves to be treated with critical respect. All of the reviews I post go through a strenuous editorial process because when I read a critical piece on a film I love (or even one I hate), I want it to be organized, coherent, and to make a larger point beyond simple opinion.

8) Where does Jigsaw get all the money he needs to build all those traps and buy all that warehouse space? Better yet, does he have some sort of engineering background? He must, right, if he designs all that crap?



Jigsaw is secretly one-quarter Gallifreyan, which is why his warehouses are all bigger on the inside, feature complex machinery outside the realm of human reason, and also why he keeps showing up in the Saw films despite having died.

9) Several theories regarding the reasons why people would subject themselves to watching horror films (when they're so, you know, traumatic) exist. Which is closest in line with your feelings on and reactions to the genre? Feel free to elaborate. Or don't, see if I care.

a) RELIEF THEORY: The unpleasant feelings of distress cause more stimulating feelings of relief when the unpleasantness passes- the stressed arousal caused by fear becomes pleasurable arousal later on.
b) CONTINUOUS REWARD: The excitement felt during the film is the appeal in and of itself.
c) SOCIAL THEORIES:
1) Stereotypical gender roles are reinforced: men act as protectors, women need protection.
2) Violating social norms- watching "deviant" entertainment- is exciting.
3) Experiencing heightened emotions with others makes us feel like we "belong" and we're truly part of a group.


I watch horror films, I think, because I have always watched horror films and I could not imagine being a person who does not watch horror films. I guess there's usually a new “current” reason for watching. Right now it's my fascination with genre theory. In a way, I guess you could say I'm in it now because this question exists. I'm keen to understand what we consider a horror film, where those definitions come from, what exceptions exist to the rules we create and where the boundaries are pliable.

10) Which year produced better horror movies: 1977 or 1981? Why?


This is impossible for me. 1977 definitely gave us greater films than 1981 (Eraserhead, The Hills Have Eyes, Martin, and Suspiria versus An American Werewolf in London, The Beyond, Dead & Buried, and The Howling). However, I have more emotional investment tied into The Howling and An American Werewolf in London – each contains a scene that was part of my development as a horror fan. I just can't make this call.

11) What the eff is up with those French and their crazy horror flicks?


Have you seen Don't Deliver Us from Evil? That is some messed up stuff there. Think Heavenly Creatures but French and Satanic (it was based on the same true crime case). I'm still not sure what I think of the damn movie.

12) What's your favorite Animals Run Amok movie?



If we're talking animal apocalypse, you cannot go wrong with Alfred Hitchcock's The Birds. I'll bat at my hair randomly after watching that. For nature's ongoing vengeance against man, I have a special place in my heart for Grizzly, the gorier woodland cousin of Jaws. You know the one – your dad's sister's kid who keeps trying to be just like you, but is more adorable for the effort rather than the effect?

13) If Jason Voorhees is on a train heading east at 80mph and Leatherface is on a train heading west at 65mph…why the hell would anyone ever watch Rob Zombie's Halloween?



Because God hates you, that's why.

14) What are your funereal wishes?



I want “This Monkey's Gone to Heaven” to play and I want it to be open casket and open bar. Maybe an open casket bar. You have to fetch the little umbrellas from my dead lips.

15) Why do I have such a fondness for Shelley Hack? It's not like she's really done much to deserve it, but there it is.



I have no idea who that is.

16) You're on a sinking ghost ship that's being piloted by a witch. What are your last words?



“Mahna-mahna.”

17) Asking about your funereal wishes and your last words means nothing, I swear.



Uh-huh. I'm watchin' you, Ponder. But not like Sting. That would be creepy.

18) Do you know where I can get some lye?



Why, do I look like a lye guy, small fry?

19) Weren't you glad when THAT JERK in THAT HORROR MOVIE got what was coming to him?



You mean every single person in the Friday the 13th reboot? No. It meant watching the movie.

20) Overall, what’s your favorite era of horror films?



I will always be a Universal fanboy.

21) Would you rather be:

1) a vampire
2) a witch/warlock
3) a werewolf
4) a Frankenstein (and yes, I know technically it’s “Frankenstein’s monster” but “a Frankenstein” sounds better)
5) a Jaws


I would be a werewolf if I could be a Howling werewolf and not, say, An American Werewolf in London werewolf. Otherwise, I've always wanted vast cosmic power. Warlock me.

22) If you could turn back time- if you could find a way- would you take back those words that hurt me, so I’d stay?



That would create a causality loop and I'm so not insured for that.

23) What's something you want people to know about you or your blog that I didn't ask?



Yes, no, possibly, only on Mondays, Howard Vernon, get the hell away from me, only if you ask nicely, and “Have a potato.”

-------------------------------
Big thanks to Nate Yapp! Stay tuned for another exciting episode of...THE BLOGGENAIRES!

Cloverfield

I've been sitting here with this page open all freaking day- ALL DAY- trying to figure out what I want to say about Cloverfield (2008), which I finally saw approximately 7000 years after everyone else did. Why is this so difficult? Maybe because I'm terribly distracted today. Maybe it's because I simply don't feel like writing a review for it because I just kind of thought it was okay.

That's the point in this venture, by the way, where you chime in with "Well, if you don't feel like writing a review then why are you posting? Get bent!" or something similar.

And that's the point where I say, I can do whatever I want to here, and if I want to type up three sentences about Cloverfield, then that's what I'll do. However, typing up three sentences is not what I want to do. Even that seems like too much effort today. I've got a huge case of the ADDs. So...this is how I will do it.

Characters? Holy crap, I hated them all. That party at the the beginning...ugh. I wouldn't want to spend more than 30 seconds with any of them. It really didn't get me excited to spend the next 80 minutes with them. Part of this was due to the...

...acting. I don't know how much of this was improvised and how much was scripted, but for a "found footage" film, it came off as fake. I've seen P.O.V. flicks and mockumentaries done well. This was not.

The CGI, however, was done quite well, I thought. While the decapitated head of the Statue of Liberty seemed way too small to be real, the rest of the rampant destruction was realistic enough.


I love the idea behind Cloverfield, a giant monster movie from the perspective of the man on the street. The echoes of 9/11/01 were, I'd imagine, intentional. The sense of panic, the confusion and flight amidst unanswered questions were perfectly captured. The moments after the initial attack were eerily accurate. But then...

...the whole "going back for the girl" plot was fairly insufferable. I found it so unrealistic that it irreparably knocked the train off the rails. It didn't help that I hated the characters.

It's too bad this:

was touched on only briefly- far too short a segment. I wanted to spend more time with this exploding face development.

Overall it was pretty fun- I mean, sometimes you just want to see big monsters beat the crap out of buildings and stuff. In that regard, Cloverfield was a success. As I said, I thought the "man on the street" angle was a bit ingenious. It's just too bad that the man on the street was such a shallow, smarmy jerk.

Phew! Got that out of the way. Oooh, what's over there?

killer tracks

One of my favorite things about horror movies is the all-too-rare "completely effing incongruous song". Now, I'm not talking about a misguided soundtrack, or the awful generic heavy metal that is constantly droning throughout most indie horror flicks.

Tangent: what's up with that, anyway? Are directors afraid of silence and/or ambient noise? TURN OFF THE MUSIC, IT WILL BE OKAY.

Sorry, had to get that off my chest. Now, what I am talking about, Willis, is the random song that doesn't much fit with the mood or atmosphere of the film whatsoever. This song may have you scratching your head. This song may pull you out of the moment- but the rarest of the rare pulls you out of the moment with straight-up awesomeness. Such is the case with these, my five favorite WTF? horror movie songs. I listen to them on my iPod because I am that hip (tell me I'm hip!). Here they are, in total countdown to YESSSS! order.

Listen: Kingdom of the Spiders

Before we get to The Cow Who Can Act, we're treated to some truly bizarre music during the opening credits: "Peaceful Verde Valley" by Dorsey Burnette. I'm not sure what kind of mood this song is supposed to establish, exactly: perhaps the peace of our verde valleys is meant to be ironi-tastic. Who cares? You know you want to sing along.

Listen: Killer Party

WHY ISN'T KILLER PARTY ON DVD?

Phew, had to get that out. This 1986 movie might suffer from a case of the "What the Fuck Am I?"s- is it a slasher? a possession movie? a musical?- but what it doesn't suffer is a lack of I love it-ness. It's such a product of its time...and if you love 80s horror as much as I do, you'd be a jerk not to love Killer Party.

Oh my God, this song is so good! It accompanies both the opening and closing credits...and best of all, it's sung by the actresses who play the three leads (Vivia, Jennifer, and Phoebe).

WHY ISN'T KILLER PARTY ON DVD? I feel like starting an internet petition.

Listen: Creepshow

Short and oh so sweet is this little interlude in the opening story, "Father's Day", which finds Cass and Hank getting down. Thoughts:

1) I should have included this in my AMC column about horror movie dance scenes
2) Cass was total 80s white hotness
3) I love that this is recorded right from the movie and you can hear Cass's bangles...bangling
4) What the fuck kind of dance was Ed Harris doing, anyway?

Listen: House on the Edge of the Park

I know plenty of people who dig this David Hess-flavored rape-fest of a movie, but it's not really to my taste. What is to my taste, however, is this amazing track that accompanies a rapist-rapee dance sequence during a party at said house on said edge of said park. How can such a great song come from such a terrible film? How??

Listen: Maniac

One of these days I've got to write up some sort of review of Maniac, a film frequently slapped with the "misogynist" label- erroneously slapped, in my opinion. It's a fine line between being misogynist and being about misogyny, and I find Maniac to be in the latter category. It's not an easy movie to watch, and it's certainly not an overall pleasant experience- though it does contain some of the best stalking scenes in all of horrordom.

Whatever Maniac may be, however, it does clearly feature the MACK DADDY of fucking great incongruous horror movie songs with "Showdown". Amidst all the graphic violence, there's a scene that features sweaty creepster Joe Spinell breathing heavily while the object of his affection, Caroline Munro, photographs fashion models (that's her spouting direction and encouragement in the song). So so so sooooo good. Yippee...ki yo...ki YAAAAAAAAY!

Bonus track!

Listen: mystery song

Can you name the horror movie that features this track? I cannot, so if you know, set my mind at ease, won't you? It's the least you could do.

EDITED TO ADD: You guys rule! Mystery solved: It's the opening track for Cannibal Ferox, which I've never seen. That's some serious what-the-fuckery.

Hereticalosity

I am of the mind that The Exorcist is one of the best horror films ever made. Yes, it scares me and it always has. I know there are people who find it laughable and dull and not scary at all. I cannot concern myself with these people, because they're jerks. JERKS I SAY. The fact is, William Friedkin's 1973 film is an absolute classic- take away all the horror elements and it's still a fascinating study of religion, faith, medicine, and female sexuality. I will say as I've always said, however: if Regan's post-possession behavior is any indication, Pazuzu is pretty lazy.

Maybe my feelings on that will change after this viewing of the follow-up, Exorcist II: The Heretic (1977), directed by John Boorman. That's right, my friends, somehow I've never seen this, one of the most reviled films in the history of...film. Oh, I've seen teeny bits here and there: Regan in some weird headgear acting all tranced out, Richard Burton yelling about something, Louise Fletcher being NOT Ellen Burstyn. I imagine this movie will be as terrible as it's said to be, although I may be pleasantly surprised. Either way, however, you're coming along with me. That's right, it's time for another one of my famous* live blog reviews, so let's dig in and get our Pazuzu on!

*not at all famous

• Man, these opening titles make me think about how much I love The Exorcist. It's so damn unsettling...wait, Ned Beatty is in this?!
• Okay, so we start with a Spanish-speaking girl who's apparently possessed...Father Richard Burton stands around doing nothing and the girl sets herself on fire. Way to go, Father Richard Burton!
• Aw, Regan's all grown up and tying her shirts to show her tummy! And she's tap dancing in short shorts to "Lullaby of Broadway". She's so normal now!

• Regan only remembers being sick and having nightmares when she was in D.C...apparently she doesn't remember all the cussing and the crucifix up the hoo-ha. I don't blame her for blocking it all out. Still, Dr. Louise Fletcher wants to hypnotize Regan to MAKE her remember. Is that a good idea? My zero training in psychiatry says NO.
• Alright, Father Richard Burton is supposed to investigate the death of Father Merrin. Apparently the church doesn't like all the "devil talk" that Merrin was throwing around. Wouldn't they use it to draw more people to the church's teachings, rather than cover it all up? I'd think it would drum up some good business for 'em.
  
• Ooh, Regan's got her hypnotic headband on. Strobe light time! She's literally going cross-eyed as she gets all tranced out. Awesome.
• I miss the Linda Blair years.
• This hypnosis machine is sweet. People can link their minds and, like, go places and stuff. The cross-eyed thing is embarrassing, but still.
• Flashback! Oh my...oh my God. Can't they just use footage from the original movie, rather than re-enacting it? It's so bad. So bad. And tap-dancing Regan is dueling with possessed Regan over...well, they're both grabbing Louise Fletcher's breast. It's all very uncomfortable. That's REALLY not Mercedes McCambridge doing the voice. Bleeearggh.
  
• Okay, I guess they're supposed to be battling over her heart. But really, they're copping a lot of feels here.

• Actually, lady, Regan does NOT draw well. Sorry to be harsh, Regan, but it had to be said.
• Father Richard Burton is trying to beat a flaming cardboard box to death with a crutch. It's really not helping. But Regan's drawing was so prescient! Except for the crutch part.
• In Regan's dreams, Pazuzu takes her to...Africa? Tatooine? Aw, I guess it's Africa. Or, you know, a soundstage.
• LOCUSTS!
• Regan, noooo! Don't fall off the roof! Although killing Regan would be a rather Scream thing to do, if you know what I mean.
• Alright, Father Richard Burton has gone back to the Georgetown house to investigate. As you might expect, there's a locust hanging out in Regan's old bedroom. Well, that was anticlimactic.
  
• Back to Africa. Father Merrin is battling Pazuzu, who's possessed a boy, and swarms of locusts, which...is how Pazuzu gets about, I'd imagine. I wish he'd also battle this fucking Kmart Ladysmith Black Mambazo soundtrack that's happening right now...
• LOCUSTS TERRORIZE SOUNDSTAGE VILLAGE, NEWS AT ELEVEN
• James Earl Jones has magical leopard breath.
• IS THAT DANA PLATO???
• I looked it up. That is indeed an uncredited Dana fucking Plato as the shy, stuttering girl.
  
• "What's the matter with you?" "Oh, I was possessed by a demon." "..." "It's okay, he's gone."
• Regan's kind of annoying in a "golly gee!" sort of way, isn't she?

• Ugh, this extended Africa sequence where Father Richard Burton goes off in search of James Earl Magical Leopard Breath Jones is pretty boring.
• But now it's all better: The Sparkly Top Hat Tap Dance Revue is GO! What a strange interlude.
  
• Is Sharon in love with Regan or what? She so is.
  
• Regan says "Please don't drug me, Jean..." while sounding completely fucking drugged.
• Oh God, I want to fast forward all the Africa scenes. Can I do that? Or will I miss too much?
  
• While I think a sequel to The Exorcist is rather unnecessary, there maybe COULD have been a decent sequel that dealt with Regan's post-traumatic life. Maybe some sort of abuse or rape allegory. Or maybe Regan's dealings with religion in the wake of her ordeal. The Exorcist II is not that movie.
• James Earl Magical Leopard Breath Jones has a locust hat! It looks like something you'd get at Disneyland, or perhaps the Orkin Bug Zoo.
• "If Pazuzu comes for you, I will spit a leopard." That's comforting. I need to incorporate that into my life. "If this traffic doesn't let up, I will spit a leopard."- that sort of thing.

• Father Richard Burton is kind of possessed by Pazuzu...or maybe Actor Richard Burton is drunk and trying to go to his happy place...
• Oooh, everyone's heading to Georgetown for the big Showcase Pazuzu Showdown!
• Locusssstssss! Crashing cabs! Exorcist II: The Heretic is a white-knuckle thrill ride I'll never forget!
• Regan doesn't seem too bothered to come face to face with her possessed self...
• Okay, Sharon just set herself on fire, Father Richard Burton wants to get it on with a sexified Pazuzued-out Regan, and Louise Fletcher is running around a soundstage.
• The house is coming apart! The Mirror Has There are two Regans! It's all a weeeeee bit over-the-top. It makes the head-spinning, pea soup-spewing finale of the first look subtle.
• Regan is spinning against the the locusts! She's winning!
  
• When did the Kitty Genovese incident happen in New York? Did Georgetown learn nothing from it? For fuck's sake, a car crashed through a fence, a house came down, there was a fire, people died...AND NOT ONE PERSON ON THIS STREET HAS COME OUTSIDE.
  
• Oh wait, they're all there at once. I guess time was standing still while the Regans duked it out.
• Okay, that wrapped up REALLY FUCKING QUICKLY. Guess everyone's gonna be fine! Except Sharon, who ended up Extra Crispy Recipe.
  

Well, that wasn't very good. It wasn't near the debacle I thought it was going to be (or it's been made out to be), but it didn't come close to achieving its lofty goals about the nature of good and evil and the duality within mankind. It's a bit of a mess, though the blinking hypnosis machine is quite the product of the late 1970s, as it was the dawning of the age of New Age. And, of course, let's not forget The Sparkly Top Hat Tap Dance Revue. Or Dana Plato, R.I.P.

PAZUZU!

A wee bit about...

...Daybreakers!


As I've mentioned before, I'm not one to get all goo goo over vampires- particularly the ones that are more "sexy" than "monstrous". I mean, I have zippo interest in True Blood. I'm not one to get all goo goo over Ethan Hawke, either, so why did I actually pay to see Daybreakers in a theatre?

Well, I didn't- my mom did, as she treated me during an afternoon out whilst I was home on vacation. Maybe it's because I wasn't expecting much from the film, maybe it's because I like ruminating on the "what about...?"s of horror (what about when zombies run out of people to eat? what about when vampires run out of blood? what about NOT bringing Jason back to life, so he'll stay the fuck dead?), but I was surprised to find I enjoyed it.

Yes, this is a future world in which vampirism has taken over- it spread throughout the populace like the Black Plague or Pac-Man Fever- and the world's blood supply is almost dried up. Hawke stars as Edward Dalton, a scientist charged with finding a solution to this food shortage problem; if the vampires go too long without feeding, they'll devolve from pale-but-pretty to leathery-and-scary. Quelle horreur!

Actually, the animalistic vampires featured are pretty damn scary and I wish there'd been lots more of them. I suppose, however, this isn't a people vs. scary vampires movie; rather, it's more non-jerk vampires vs. jerk vampires with a dash of scary vampires thrown in.

Overall, Daybreakers stylish and violent- and it probably takes itself a bit too seriously, but it's rather nice to see a horror movie in the multiplex that takes itself seriously at all, so I can't complain. Why, I would've been happy even if I had to pay for my own ticket!


wud up, category #8 in Operation: 101010?

Pizza, Pipes, and Pandorum

FYI: The title of this post alludes to Pizza, Pipes, & Pandemonium, a sort of Chuck E. Cheese-type place that was local to my hometown when I was a youngling. Imagine, if you will: pizza, arcade games, and a PIPE ORGAN all under one roof! It was a child's dream come true- or mine, anyway. It lasted but a couple of years, then the building became a hardware store, then a gym, and finally, it was torn down and replaced with a shiny new CVS...but my memories of gulping down crappy pizza while listening to a pipe organ rendition of the Star Wars theme before running off to play some Galaga remain strong. For the other three people in the world who remember that bizarre place, this post title is for you.

In other FYI news, there have been rather torrential rains falling in southern California over the last week or so. Tornadoes were spotted! Mud is sliding! Burbank Blvd is closed west of the 405! It's...why, it's pandemonium, it is. These wet, grey days have left me feeling like a wet, grey lump, desiring little more than some quality couch-n-movies time. A few days ago, however, I did manage to leave my house- to partake in some quality couch-n-movies time at a friend's abode. I brought over some DVDs, while she went to the video store to see what was what. She came home with, amongst other titles, Rob Zombie's House of 1000 Corpses. I frowned. She said the dude at the store recommended it to her because she said she loves The Texas Chain Saw Massacre. I frowned some more. She asked what my problem was. I relayed that I'd gone to see House when it was playing in theaters, and I'd almost walked out because I hated it so much. My friend frowned. Then I asked if she'd seen The Devil's Rejects- while I didn't like that film either, I found it more tolerable than House. She said she fucking hated The Devil's Rejects and then she frowned a whole lot more.

No, we didn't watch Pandorum. We watched Michael Haneke's Cache, and in the end neither of us got what all the hype was around it. Oh, and the "e" in Cache totally needs an accent aigu, but I don't know how to make one.

I tell you all of this to make a point, and that point is...I do not like House of 1000 Corpses, but plenty of people do. This phenomenon (for which the Germans have a word: Eierschalensollbruchstellenverursacherkleinfreude) (I made that up) (mostly) is called "varying opinions". Some people enjoy things that others do not! I know this is a hard concept for The Internet to grasp, but it's true. Sometimes it leaves one scratching one's head- "What kind of crack are these people smoking that they actually like that movie, and where can I get some?" At other times, one is left scratching one's head and pondering the inverse- "What kind of crack am I smoking that I actually like that movie, and where did I get it?" Such is the case with Pandorum.

When trailers for the film popped up, its seeming Event Horizon had a baby with The Descent premise intrigued me; in a not-at-all surprising twist, I never made it to the theater to check it out. Reports from those who did were unenthusiastic at best. Pandorum has recently been released on DVD, and once again, unenthusiasm abounds. Why, then, did I enjoy it, and why do I seem to be the only person who did? Again, what kind of crack am I smoking?

Payton (Dennis Quaid) and Bower (Ben Foster) wake up on a space ship- in the middle of space, people- with no idea who they are, where they are, or how long they were in hypersleep (or cryosleep...you know, one of those super-long space sleeps). They split up; Payton stays in the CIC while Bower heads off into the darkness to make repairs. Their memories slowly return, which is good; there are hundreds of bloodythirsty (and totally mean) mutant creatures on board with them which is bad. Scant few other survivors are encountered! Secrets are revealed! Pandorum (which is, like, space mania) sweeps through the remaining crew! Thank goodness the one chick who is left is a hot scienceologist!

The entire affair is just about as derivative as the trailers led everyone to believe it would be. It really is Event Horizon meets The Descent, with a little Alien thrown in for good measure- familiar, perhaps, to the point of staleness. The science (for lack of a better term) spouted is confusing at best, the script is fairly weak, the camerawork is at times too frenetic, and the middle of the film is bloated like A Certain Someone (okay, me) after too much Diet Coke and salsa con queso, but...dammit, I had a good time. I'm not denying that maybe I have a soft spot for "gritty" sci fi/horror- there's not much of it around and I've never met one of these films that I didn't like. Chances are, this is why I liked Pandorum while everyone else finds it...well, familiar to the point of staleness. Simply put, I get where the criticisms are coming from, and I don't really care. Gimme some dark metal hallways, some dirty crew members, some monsters and some blood and I'm happy. Yes, it's shocking but true: sometimes I have low standards...and that's okay. Everyone has his or her cinematic Achilles heel. Why, I've even heard that some people like Rob Zombie movies!

That said, your mileage regarding Pandorum will most likely vary. If you want a pretty, bloody picture that's all spacetastic, you may feel as I do about it. Or, you may be a jerk. Who am I to judge? After all, I know of Eierschalensollbruchstellenverursacherkleinfreude.

awesome movie poster friday - the MORE CRAP I BOUGHT ON VHS edition!

Man, I tells ya. My friend Eric runs Spudic's Movie Empire and it's a VHS lovers paradise! I can't resist his $1 sales- I walk out with a boxful everytime. If you live in the Los Angeles area and you love BROWSING- and let's face it, only jerks don't love browsing- you owe yourself a trip. He does mail order too, so you have no excuses. NONE I SAY.

AnyIhavetoomanymovies, you can see that on my last trip I got a fucking great haul. Monsters ahoy! My favorite poster is the first one, the Deep Rising poster that calls the special effects team the "Special Effects Team". Why the quotes? Does that mean the FX were done by, like, the director's mom and her quilting club? 'Cause if that's the case, now I wanna see it even more!

Related reviews: He Knows You're Alone, Dead & Buried