it's WEDNESDAY!

Now, before you get all excited because of those capital letters- which would seem to indicate something special about Wednesday- please note that there's really nothing to get excited about today beyond the fact that it's Chuck Woolery's birthday.

Sorry I've been an absentee mom recently...there just hasn't been much horror in my life lately. Well, except for my hair, which is neither bouncin' nor behavin'. (rimshot) Anyway, I know you'd like to think that while I'm not here typing away furiously, I'm simply staring off into space and withering away, like Christopher Reeve at the end of Somewhere in Time. I'm sorry to say this is only mostly the case, for sometimes I do do things. Observe!

- I have been playing Dragon Age II like nobody's business! That's right, nobody's business...and yet I decided to write about it anyway over at Jill Sandwich, thereby making it everybody's business.

WHAT.

- If you are in Canada (yes, any part of Canada), then you can see Ludlow on the big screen this Friday night! It's showing as part of the Female Eye Film Festival in Toronto, and it's also been nominated in the Best Debut Feature and Best Experimental categories. I couldn't be more thrilled. What an honor! Go check it out if you can...and if you're feeling particularly bold, please consider clicking "like" on Ludlow's Facebook page. I realize that I very rarely click like on anything on Facebook, so if you're thinking that this is a time for cyber retribution, I understand. It saddens me, however, that there are, like pages on Facebook for pickles and said pickles received more interest than my film.

Mind you, I do realize that some pickles are really fucking cool. Like this one, that yodels.


- This woman be making comics. Like, a real ongoing, epic thing. It's called RPG and as you can safely assume from that title, it's all fantasy nerdery with, like, swords and monsters and quests and shit. It's still a newborn, but it updates on Mondays and Wednesdays, and you can check it out at www.rpgcomic.com.


- Next week I'm seeing Scream 4, and I will faithfully report on it when the PR people tell me I can. By the way, I refuse to call it Scre4m, except for when I did it right there when pointing out that I won't do it.

- I fear that Cathy's Curse is taking on Rumplestiltskin-sized & -shaped real estate in my brain. That is to say, it's terrible, but I find the words "It's the best thing ever!" coming out of my mouth and I desperately want to watch it and I kind of can't stop thinking about it. Oh, such powers Cathy wields!


Now if you'll excuse me, I have some walls that need some starin' thrown their way.

In my restless dreams, I see that town.

Hey! Just thought I'd mention, if you're into Silent Hill- the series of video games, that is- I posted a fairly exhaustive retrospective over at Jill Sandwich, including a couple o' caps and a tune from the forthcoming Silent Hill: Downpour. Hooray!

In space, no one can hear you scream (unless you're in a spaceship)

When I reviewed the animated feature Dead Space: Downfall, I started out with some math:

(cartoon + comic + video game) x (sci-fi + horror) = (Final Girl + Dead Space) / love

That formula has not changed a bit in the interim, so I suppose you could say that I was greatly looking forward to the sequel, Dead Space: Aftermath. I suppose you could also say that I should get a haircut and while that may, in fact, be true, it has little to do with the matters at hand so you should just mind your own beeswax! But I know you're right. I do need a haircut. Earlier today I found a split end that was split in a manner that defied the very laws of nature and physics and probably time! It looked not at all unlike this 1896 drawing of a Mantis Shrimp.

By the way, don't mess with the Mantis Shrimp! They will fuck you up.

Sorry, I'm a bit distracted this morning. Umm...Dead Space: Aftermath, yes! As Downfall bridged the gap between the 6-issue comic book miniseries and the Dead Space video game, so Aftermath bridges the gap between the game and its sequel, due to hit on January 25th. For those of you who aren't all ten kinds of Funk & Wagnalls about the Dead Space series, here's a quick rundown:

Downfall: On the planet Aegis VII, an ancient alien artifact is discovered and brought aboard the USG Ishimura. The artifact has hinky powers, though, and causes flip outs of the homicidal variety. Not only that, but it reanimates dead tissue, turning human corpses into necromorphs, hideously deformed monsters who kill kill kill! Shit gets FUBARed on the Ishimura very quickly.

Dead Space: The USG Kellion answers the Ishimura's distress call. Players control Isaac Clarke, the Kellion's engineer, as he tries to...well, survive against a space ship full of necromorphs. At the end of the game, Clarke's fate is unknown.

Aftermath: The USG Bannon has been sent to find out what the frig is going on since contact with the Kellion and Clarke have now been lost. Ship after ship after ship, I swear! As you might guess, things on the Bannon go straight to heck and only four people survive. During Aftermath, we hear their tales, piece together the story, and learn just how heck-y it all got. We also discover what happened to Isaac Clarke to some extent, and the film leads right into Dead Space 2.


PHEW, amiright? Yeah, there's a lot to the Dead Space mythology, for lack of a better word, and I haven't even touched on the religious aspects of it all. If you don't know anything about any of it, you might come into Aftermath and not know what's going on. Well, you might not be completely lost, but you might feel a little out of place. You don't want that, do you? I don't want that for you. I want you to feel loved and cherished and like you belong, so you can be all "necromorph this" and "plasma cutter that". It's because I care!


Whether or not you're a Dead head, Aftermath is a good time. There's not a lot of character depth- we learn just the tiniest bit about the four survivors and their families (for example, one crew member sees the ghost of his dead daughter beckoning him as the artifact messes with his mind), but essentially they only tell the story of the massacre on the Bannon. That's fine by me, as it's an entertaining story...and as the math has proven, I'm a sucker for horror in space.

And this is definitely horror! It may not be quite as gory as Downfall, but the blood certainly flies and there's plenty of violence to be found. If that wasn't a big enough indicator, then all the swearing will let you know that Aftermath is decidedly not for the kiddies. That's right, I said swearing. This movie pulls out all the stops!


Each segment relating a survivor's tale has a different director and therefore a different art style. While they're all anime-esque, there are enough variations that you may end up needing a moment to sort out the characters- a thin, dweeby egghead scientist may appear all jacked up and ready to go on a 'roid rage in the next story. What's more off-putting, however, is the animation in the framing narrative- I don't know who decided cartoonish CGI was a good idea, but I wish they'd reconsidered and gone the traditional animation route for the entire film. Sometimes the CGI is alright; armor and guns, for example, come off looking cel-shaded and pretty cool. At other times, though, this shit looks like a commercial for The General auto insurance. It's an odd choice and I can't say I liked it, but I could deal with it (cue heavy, martyr-ish sigh).



I really like the Dead Space universe, and I dig that the world I discovered in the game is branching out into other media- I do so enjoy a property I can sink my teeth into. I'm a fan of animation and space-based horror, so as far as I'm concerned, these movies can keep on comin'. But then, what do I know? I mean, look at the state of my hair.

What, no ILLBLEED?

Via Kotaku, here's a big-n-handy chart listing a whole messa scary, horror, and mindfuck video games across multiple platforms.

Sure, it's horribly (HORRIBLY I SAY) out of date- last updated June 2009- but it's still a terrific resource for those of us who dig it when horror and video games hang out together.

I've played most everything on there that's not a PC title, although I'm still a bit desperate to get my mitts on a copy of Rule of Rose.

How many have you played? What's your favorite title on there? Aren't video games the best?

Dead Space: Downfall

Dead Space: Downfall (2008) is a sci-fi/horror animated feature that bridges the gap between the 6-issue comic miniseries Dead Space and the video game of the same name. Just for fun, let's do some math.

(cartoon + comic + video game) x (sci-fi + horror) = (Final Girl + Dead Space) / love

On the planet Aegis VII, colonists have unearthed a massive artifact of alien origin. After the discovery, violent incidents erupt throughout the colony; a religious group (the Unitologists) claim that the artifact is cursed. The mining ship Ishimura arrives and the artifact is brought on board. In a startling twist, this turns out to be a mistake.

Before long, Ishimura crew members are suicidin' and homicidin' like nobody's business. To make matters worse, dead bodies are reanimated and transformed into necromorphs, grotesque creatures who like to use their pointy appendages for stabbing people TO THE DEATH. Security chief Alissa Vincent and her rag-tag group of marine-types try to regain control of the ship, battling necromorphs, crazy crew members, and a religious zealot of a captain who thinks everything is hunky-dory.

If you've played Dead Space, which begins with the Kellion answering the distress call from the seemingly abandoned Ishimura, you know that Downfall is going to end badly for Vincent and the rest of the crew. Such is the peril of the prequel. The fun, of course, is watching the destruction...and man, is there destruction. BREAKING NEWS: cartoons are not just for kids! Dead Space: Downfall is insanely violent and gory- more so than most live-action horror movies, even. People are impaled, cut in half...body parts fly and blood paints the walls of the ship.

To be honest, I'm not sure what viewers who are unfamiliar with Dead Space will get out of Downfall beyond some visceral, energetic violence and gore. There's nothing wrong with 75 minutes of bloody, spacey, monstery horror, of course...but the narrative is a bit convoluted. Themes explored in the game, such as religious zealotry, are only touched on in the film. The characters are simply mutant fodder- Alissa, for example, is little more than a gun and a bunch of swear words. Still, if you're a sci-fi/horror nut like me, you'll have a good time. The animation itself is a bit stiff- it feels like a superhero cartoon from the early-90s. It didn't really bother me, but then again I like early-90s superhero cartoons.

To sum up, I really dug it...but I knew I would. I mean, you can't argue with math. Okay, you can, but you'll just look stupid.

The Master of Unlocking returns!

Yeah yeah, blah blah blah, I fucking love Resident Evil. I snatch up any and all RE video games, much in the way a crackhead snatches up...well, crack. Therefore, Resident Evil 5 was a day-of-release purchase for me. I had a lot of fun with it, but as I've said, as a whole it was a bit of a disappointment. Not because it was a bad game, but rather because it didn't feel like a Resident Evil game. It was long on action and shooting and short on exploration and puzzle-solving.

Well! It seems that The People in Charge of That Sort of Thing read my diary, because yesterday saw the release of "Lost in Nightmares", a downloadable scenario that plays directly to my fangirlish desires.

There's a flashback in Resident Evil 5 where we see Chris Redfield and Jill Valentine heading back to the Spencer Mansion...thanks to "Lost in Nightmares", we now get to play through those events. Yes, Chris and Jill are reunited and yes, it feels rather good. Traipsing through the dark, dusty halls of that familiar mansion, low on ammo, killing zombies and reading journals (fellow RE nerds, you'll understand that I was happy to see "itchy...tasty" makes a return appearance)...it's like being in the days of yore. It's scary, and it's awesome. Unfortunately, it's only a scenario. Me want full game!

I understand that franchises need to change and grow to stay relevant, but it's tricky. Don't change enough and you end up like Silent Hill- I still suck those games up, too, but even I admit it's feeling a little stale. But if they change too much, it then feels too unfamiliar. I love this little throwback, though, and I hope The People in Charge of That Sort of Thing continue reading my diary and we see a full game that returns to the series' roots. Resident Evil is the king shit of survival horror, and "Lost in Nightmares" reminds me why that's been true for a decade.

zombies and more zombies

A little while back when I was ruminating on recent horror-flavored video games, I mentioned Left 4 Dead and how I dig it. Well, thanks to the repulsive, disgusting consumerfest known as Black Friday I scored a copy of the recently-released sequel (cleverly titled Left 4 Dead 2) for but a pittance. Hooray, more zombie-blasting action!

In Left 4 Dead 2, players assume the persona of a survivor making their way through zombie-infested hordes in search of rescue, stopping in safe rooms across the way. While this is essentially the same idea as the original L4D, the gameplay has been tweaked and ratcheted up to new levels of insanity.

First and foremost comes the addition of melee weapons. In addition to blasting away the undead with shotguns and pistols, you can now hack 'em up with axes and machetes, or whack 'em with a frying pan (which results in a rather satisfying "gonnnggg" sound), or mow 'em down with a chainsaw. It's visceral and immediate and really, really gross- holy moly, the grue flies in this game. The screen is splattered with blood, zombie entrails leave trails on the ground, and body parts are everywhere; the gore, in fact, is so prevalent that the game has been banned in Australia.

These are new era zombies, the kind that run straight for your face faster than the wind and/or Flo Jo...and there are just so many of them, they never seem to stop coming at you. Several times I've cautiously stepped out of a safe room only to be set upon by a mass of the undead gunning for me. The difficulty level, it seems, has been ramped up a bit in L4D2, and I'm not complaining- it's total madness.

Both the sequel and the original game feature intermittent "crescendo events", wherein players are forced to make enough noise to attract the horde. For example, you've got to open an alarmed door to proceed, and the blaring sound will infuriate the hundreds of zombies in the surrounding area. In the original game, the sound would eventually stop on its own; now, however, you've got to figure out a way to stop the noise yourself. You know, open a door and fight your way through a store (and masses of the undead) to reach the alarm's off button. It's a welcome addition that adds incredible tension- and frequently has me running out of ammo.

In addition to your run of the mill rotters, L4D2 features "special infected"- sort of uber-zombies who have abilities above and beyond running fast and biting hard. All the special infected from the first game return- the Boomer is back to puke more undead-attracting bile on you- but there's a whole new batch of them to avoid as well.


Story has never been a hallmark of Left 4 Dead- it's all action, and the plot is boiled down to the simplest "the world is fucked, let's get out of here!" terms. That's much the same here, although the 5 scenarios ("campaigns") are loosely intertwined and somewhat sequential; at the end of one, for example, players drive off in a car...at the start of the next campaign, they're forced to abandon the car when the highway becomes impassable. The setting (Louisiana, from the bayous to New Orleans) is on a larger scale than that in the first game, and you truly feel as if you're making your way across the land in search of help. Along the way are abandoned evac sites and refugee stations, and it quickly becomes obvious that the government agency dealing with the zombie outbreak ("CEDA") has, for one reason or another, failed the local population. Hints of Hurricane Katrina can't be ignored, and it's easy to surmise that yeah, this is probably the way shit would go down if this ever happened....which, who knows? Walls covered with graffiti claiming that "THIS IS NOT A FLU!" have turned my horror-loving brain to thoughts of the media's incessant, alarmist swine flu coverage.

I hope it is just a flu, of course, because if my Left 4 Dead 2 skills are any indication, I'll be royally screwed if there's a zombie outbreak. I'm always getting puked on by the Boomer, or pummeled by the Charger...I'm always accidentally shooting my teammates and running out of ammo. Of course, if there was a zombie outbreak, I wouldn't know about it for days because I'd be inside playing video games.

Speaking of which, my fellow nerds, I'm finally on Xbox Live- see my badge over yonder to the right and add me or whatever it is you kids do there. I don't know why my rep is anything less than stellar- I've yet to actually interact with anybody, and quite frankly I'd give myself 5 stars, whether I accidentally shoot my teammates or not.

Day 16: "I hope this is not Chris's blood..."

Okay, so for today's dose of SHOCKTOBER madness, I'm cheating a little bit. Rather than simply watching & reviewing a movie, I decided to talk about a subject near and dear to me old ticker: horror-based video games. It's been a while since my last big installment- three and a half years, holy crap- so I figured it was time to run down a few of the titles that have sucked me in and consumed hours of my life in the last few months.

BioShock

BioShock is one of the most fascinating, best-looking games I've seen in my long, long life. The alt-history underwater city of Rapture is an art deco paradise lying in ruin; the utopia based on the philosophy of Objectivism crumbled as gene-splicing became a way of life, transforming the city's inhabitants into hideous mutants. In this first-person shooter you're Jack, a man with no memory who made his way to Rapture after an oceanic plane crash...and now must find a way out in the face of Big Daddies, Little Sisters, and all other manner of psychos. Ayn Rand, stem cell research, body modification, morality...fun for the whole family!

Dead Rising

Yeah, I know I actually reviewed this game once upon a time, but you know what? I'm still playing it, and it's still all kinds of awesome. Zombies, zombies, zombies...so many zombies in the mall. There's also creepy-mask-wearing, knife-wielding cult members and psychotic clowns with chainsaws and and and...Dead Rising is like a love letter to my crusty old horror movie-loving heart.

Dead Space

I have one major complaint about Dead Space: it's too damn short! I want more more more! This game is like Resident Evil meets Event Horizon, and it's absolutely one of the scariest games in the history of the history of ever- yes, it's that scary. You've got to repair your disabled ship while fighting off mutated crewmembers- of course there's an alien flu bug goin' 'round. Standard stuff, eh? Well, Dead Space utilizes sound and light like no other game since Silent Hill, and it's downright terrifying, to the point where I hit 'pause' on more than one occasion just so I wouldn't have to continue on into a pitch-black hallway where something was moaning. The score sounds straight outta Kubrick's The Shining, and it helps sink you into a never-ending state of heebie jeebies. Oh, if only there was more of it...ooh, there's a new Wii-bound prequel, a 6-issue comic mini-series, and an animated feature film prelude, as well. Sigh, I suppose those will have to do.

Eternal Darkness: Sanity's Requiem

While it wasn't a major hit, this oldie but goodie Gamecube release is a favorite amongst nerds in the know. Explore the mansion that belonged to your recently-deceased grandfather as you try to unravel the mystery of his death. Find chapters from the "Tome of Eternal Darkness" and engage in a little time-travel...and then Eternal Darkness really starts fucking with you via the "sanity meter". The more scary stuff Alexandra encounters, the nuttier she gets...and the nuttier you'll get. You'll be in the middle of a boss battle when suddenly your controller no longer works...or the game cuts to the title screen...or Alexandra ends up on the ceiling- the game really messes with your head as a player. There's nothing else like it. Hey, now you're a nerd in the know!

Fallout 3

I'm tempted just to write "Fallout 3 is effing AMAZING, go play it!" and leave it at that. Here's the wiki synopsis to further tempt those of you who haven't become completely absorbed by the game:

Fallout 3 takes place in the year 2277, 200 years after the nuclear war between the United States and China that devastated the game's world in an alternate post-World War II timeline. The game places the player in the role of an inhabitant of Vault 101, a survival shelter designed to protect a small number of humans from the nuclear fallout. When the player character's father disappears under mysterious circumstances, he or she is forced to escape from the Vault and journey into the ruins of Washington D.C. to track him down. Along the way the player is assisted by a number of human survivors and must battle myriad enemies that now inhabit the area now known as the "Capital Wasteland".

Your morality is up to you as you travel the wasteland and encounter religious wackadoos, raiders, mutants, ghouls...I can't even begin to adequately describe how massive- and how massively awesome- this game is. Fallout 3 is effing AMAZING, go play it!

Haunting Ground

Here's another game that got little attention, but horror fans should definitely bust out their PS2s and give it a whirl. At the start of Haunting Ground, you wake up in a cage (!!!) on the grounds of Castle Belli, and you've got to figure out what the eff is going on and how you can escape. Eventually you team up with a white German Shepherd named Hewie to solve puzzles and defend yourself as you search for a way out. What sets Haunting Ground apart from other survival horror games is that your character wields no weapons...just about all you can do when confronted by an enemy is run and try to find a good hiding spot. Sometimes these hiding spots work, and sometimes they don't...but you can never use the same place twice. It's incredibly tense to be crouched behind a curtain while someone is in the room, actively looking in all the corners for you. While there's definitely too much backtracking (and man oh man does the story get a bit perverse), Haunting Ground boasts one of the greatest, scariest video game villains ever in Daniella, the creepy-ass maid (pictured above). I'd say they should stick her in a movie, but we all know how movies based on games tend to go...

Left 4 Dead

Surviving the zombie apocalypse has never been more fun. What Dead Rising is to George Romero, Left 4 Dead is to Zach Snyder. These walking dead aren't walking at all- they're running really fast because they want to eat your face. There are hundreds and hundreds of them, along with "special" zombies, upgraded with all sorts of new ways to kill you. My favorite is the Witch, the goth-looking chick who sits around in her underwear, crying...until you get too close, and then she's up and clawing your eyes out in a flash. Reminds me of college!

Resident Evil 5

I've told you time and time again, I loves me some Rezzies. I'm gonna admit, though, Resident Evil 5 was a bit of a disappointment. On the one hand, it was a delight for an RE nerd like myself (Chris Redfield, Jill Valentine, and Albert Wesker are all present and accounted for) and the co-op gameplay was cool. The graphics were amazing and the action was non-stop...but that was, perhaps, the problem. Since the incredible Resident Evil 4, the series has been moving away from the solve the puzzle and read the diary in the dusty, zombie-filled house angle that I love and geek out on so much. The developers should bring the series back to its roots because I want them to. Who's with me?

Silent Hill: Homecoming

It pains me in my heart place, but I'm starting to think that the Silent Hill series may be on its last legs. I enjoyed Homecoming, but it felt like more of the same, you know? Somehow it's missing the magic of the earliest games in the series- it feels like an imitation. The franchise was handed off from Japan to America, but that can't be the only reason why it's stale. Maybe it's just stale altogether...ugh, it hurts to type that. And who am I kidding? Silent Hill: Shattered Memories hits next month, and I'm sure I'll pick it up...and it'll be okay, but I'll have the sads 'cause it's just not like the Silent Hills of my yoot. Then I'll cry, then I'll play something else, repeat until I'm dead.

The Thing

Did you know that there's a video game set right after the events of John Carpenter's The Thing? There is, and it's pretty good! You can imagine how it goes: after contact is lost with MacReady and company, the military sends teams to investigate...alien parasite hijinks ensue. While you've got to battle the creepy-crawlies, you've also got to battle the rising worries of your teammates as they become increasingly paranoid: no one trusts anyone. Dudes get scared and they kill themselves, or they try to kill you. You may have an infected teammate in your party. It's a lot like the game, except no one wears weird, giant sideways cowboy hats- and that's a pity.

choke on 'em

Sakes alive, I feel so Micki Dahne right now. Yesterday morning I played a little bit of the zombie shoot 'em up Left4Dead while I ate breakfast and it got me thinking about a few things. First, it got me thinking about how many great zombie video games there are...then I started thinking about zombie movies. Are they...well, played out? I was fixin' to post about all this yesterday, but if you go back in time you'll see that I didn't.

Late last night word started to trickle down into my very own ear holes that Left4Dead 2 and Dead Rising 2 had been announced at gaming industry convention E3 (in fact, you can watch the Dead Rising 2 trailer here), and I got all tingly in my video game-loving parts (ie, my brain). The games are loads of fun, and they're shining examples of the merits of the Romero Shuffler style zombie (Dead Rising) as well as the Dawn of the Dead remake-style sprint-o-matic zombie (Left4Dead). They're equally terrifying, really.

See, I was thinking about the games and then later the new games were announced; clearly this indicates that I possess a strong latent psychic ability. This concludes the Micki Dahne portion of our program.

Back to zombie movies. Are they played out? Are you tired of them yet? Every once in a while, something new comes along and breathes a bit of life (or undeadness, or whatever) into the genre, like the recent Nazi zombie flick Dead Snow; at the same time, you can practically hear the collective "Ugh, another zombie flick?" emanating from The Internets on a daily basis.

Like any other genre, the zombie film has its highs, lows, and fetid middles, sure. Just about everyone with a camcorder and $10 has tried his or her hand at telling a tale of the undead. Even George Romero is still plugging away, though I have to admit my faith is waning (Diary of the Dead, man, she hurt me bad!).

Are the kids still calling them "camcorders" these days?

I don't really know where I'm going with this. Actually, I sort of do: what are your thoughts on zombie movies? Have there been too many in recent years? Would you rather puke in your pants than watch another one? Is there a place in our zany, hectic, multitasking world for the simple Romero Shufflers? What about all the gimmicky zombie flicks (Zombie musicals! I married a zombie! Zombie pets!) See, I thought I was over them, too- but then I pop in Left4Dead and I watch the opening sequence and...geezie weezie, it gets me all pumped up for zombie action because it's a great fucking 5-minute zombie movie and I don't care whether or not it's made out of computer.



Earlier I alluded to the fact that most- if not all- backyard filmmakers have a zombie movie in 'em just dying to get out. I'm a backyard filmmaker. I have a camcorder. Alright, so I don't have $10...but someday I hope to, and at that time I may not be able to help myself: I might have to add my own crappy zombie movie to the already oversaturated market.

Now you know. In two years, when said crappy zombie movie is done, you can dazzle your friends with your very own Micki Dahne-like prowess: "I totally knew she was gonna make one!"

papercraft killers

From the dust-collecting, perhaps wasteful things that are still pretty damn cool department come Cubeecraft Jason Voorhees and Michael Myers!

Download the designs from the Cubeecraft website and build these paper psychos yourself- you only need a printer and some scissors. Oh, and patience. And love...let's not forget the love.

There are about a zillion designs to choose from, from comic book icons such as Batman and Hellboy to such random characters as the "Duck Hunt" dog. I started out slow and simple and made myself a sweet-n-nerdy little Weighted Companion Cube* from Portal**.

Someday I hope to advance my folding skills and paper fu enough to tackle Chairy!


* that link plays "Still Alive", which WILL get stuck in your head

** i heart Portal

talkin' bout mah Degeneration

Fans of the Resident Evil video games have long been clamoring for a movie to give a big "Eff you!" and a swift kick to the butt of Paul WS Anderson and his film series, which bears little resemblance to the source material. Or, at least, I have. Sure, I like the movies okay- they're nothing if not fun- but as I've stated before, I want to have Resident Evil's babies. I mean...uh...I sure do like those games! I don't, like, really want to literally have those babies for real. First of all, if they were born shaped like video games that would really hurt my no no and it would be pretty awkward at family gatherings and, like, in the grocery store and stuff. My village might even shun me! I'd have to run away from them, clutching little Rezzie and dodging the stones they throw, and find asylum somewhere in an underground network-type thing, and that sounds like a real hassle...a hassle for which I do not have the time. Also, I'm not a fan of running or having stones thrown at me.

On the other hand, children are totally the future and I sure do like those games...but enough about my personal life! This is supposed to be about Resident Evil:Degeneration, so let's get small to it.

Seven years after the government eradicated the zombie problems in Raccoon City with a nuclear boom boom, the eeeevil Umbrella Corporation has risen again. Now called WilPharma, the company has been performing tests with human subjects in India. I have a sneaking suspicion that no good will come of this, unless there's FINALLY a cure for erectile dysfunction out there (seriously, every website in the world except mine is running those fucking Vimax ads and I'm really tired of my screen being inundated with obnoxious photos of women going all bug-eyed at the notion of a boner).

Anyzombie, the action begins at Harvardville Airport where Claire Redfield, heroine of Resident Evil 2, has just landed after...doing something for...the FDA or something or other. We meet a few other characters, like the eeeevil greedy stereotype Senator Davis, who's totally in cahoots with the eeeevil pharmaceutical company. Oh, and he's a jerk.

A plane from India is headed for Harvardville and one of the passengers has a decidedly grey and gross pallor...before you can say "Does that guy have rickets or something?" the plane crashes into the airport just like in the opening moments of the comedy classic Airplane!. Before anyone can say "Holy crap, that was just like the opening moments of the comedy classic Airplane!", however, zombies start spilling out of a gash in the fuselage. It was kind of awesome, and I was kind of giddy.


In related news, I'm psyched that I FINALLY have a chance to use the word "fuselage".

As you can imagine, from there things quickly go to bitey hell. The government steps in and attempts to resolve the situation. Enter Leon Kennedy, the hero of Resident Evil 2. Yep. Claire and Leon are reunited, and all 'round the world could be heard the flutter of a million nerd hearts. Or one. Mine. Don't judge me!

Once the sitch at Harvardville Airport is under control, Claire and Leon decide to find out what the eff is going on. They team up with some rookie special forces-types and head off to this place and that, this house and that lab, encountering a few more zombies and beasties along the way. It's all, you know, like, totally action-packed and stuff.

I'm not gonna lie- I dug this movie...but then, obviously I was predisposed to. My biggest disappointment is that the moment never came where I was supposed to pick up my controller and get my Claire Redfield on- and that's exactly the reason why I'm dubious about how the general horror movie lovin' audience will feel about Resident Evil: Degeneration.

Essentially, the film is little more than the typical CGI cut scenes stitched together. The acting is fair, the character development virtually nil, the dialogue sometimes excruciatingly hokey...and it's best if I don't get much into the "developing love interest" wicked-mini-subplot. By "developing", I mean, "these two characters stare stare stare at each other and that means they're falling in love after knowing each other 15 minutes". The plot is absolutely video game worthy as our gang heads down a path that ultimately culminates in your standard boss battle.

I suspect that large chunks of that plot will be confusing and/or inaccessible to non RE-heads, as a basic knowledge of some characters, Raccoon City, and Umbrella Corporation are assumed. Terms like T-Virus and G-Virus are tossed around, and unless you're a nerd like me you probably won't know- or figure out- the difference between the two.

All of that said, this is still a fun movie. The CGI falls squarely in that weird almost real but not trying to be real so I don't know how to feel about it territory. I found most of it pretty killer, but your tolerance may vary. There's some bloodshed, and certainly plenty of action.

Is this going to appeal to the general public the way the Milla Jovovich films have? I'd have to say no. But really, who cares? It's a fun zombie flick (I've certainly seen less interesting live-action zombie flicks), and I finally got my "real" Resident Evil movie. My nerdy little heart is content.

briefs

- Look at me, posting a link to my latest AMC column all timely-like! Head over and check out my 10 Reasons Why Phantasm Rules. Yes, of course the Lady in Lavender is on the list. What am I, some sort of rube? Some of my reasoning for including her didn't make it past the editor's steely gaze, but such is life.

- It's a great friggin' time to be a horror video game fan! First, when September 30 rolls around and Silent Hill 5: Homecoming is released, you can just kiss me goodbye. Pyramid Head and knifey nurses, and melty bathrooms? Ba-ring 'em on! Bloody-Disgusting has the creeptastic trailer for you to get creeped out by. Is it just me being a nerd, or is that Travis from Silent Hill: Origins making a cameo in the truck?

Bloody-Disgusting has also got a bunch of lo-down regarding Resident Evil 5, including 2 gameplay trailers that are totally drool-inducing. Uh, the awesomely scary bane of my existence- chainsaw baghead guy- makes a return. Guhhhhhhhshmlehhhhhhhhhhhh. I'm just thankful it's not being released until March 13, 2009- I'd hate for RE 5 to have to battle with SH 5 for my affections. It's like choosing a favorite spoonful of mint chocolate chip ice cream from a single bowl: it's just not possible.

the wednesday wonder

this is so effing frightening

You are never, ever going to believe this...I've got a column up at AMC! Weird, right? Anyway, I talk a bit about Mr Mack Daddy himself, Lon Chaney. Go, read, comment! Or don't. Be a jerk if you want- see if I care.

One last time for the whorin': Alone in the Dark 5 (PS2, PS3, Xbox 360, Wii, PC) dropped yesterday. Anybody pick it up? I haven't gotten my review copy yet (which is my prize for whoring out and talking about it, in case you didn't know), but I'll be sure to...uh...review it when I do. It looks like it'll be fun, even if I have no clue what it's really about. This screen shot doesn't help much, as it seems that the main character's "journal" or what have you is culled from a deluxe pack of magnetic poetry.

click to embiggen

Eh, no matter. As I said, it looks like fun and I'm psyched to play it. Then again, I think that pretty much all video games look like fun and I get excited to play things like Zoo Vet where I get to diagnose computer animals' computer illnesses and give them computer medicine. "The penguin has a sore foot? I'll be there right away!" This either makes me a person filled with child-like excitement and wonder regarding the world around her, or a person filled with child-like idiotic tendencies. Either way, I'm obviously more than a little Nell.

"Don' wor' chick'bay...tay na winn"

I just thought you all might like to know that Jessica Harper left a comment on my Suspiria review and posted her website address- and she welcomes emails! How awesome is that? HOW AWESOME I SAY.

Yes, there's always the chance it's not really her, but come on. I'm going all Occam's Razor on this one.

Jessica Harper!

Commented!

On a Film Club review!

Speaking of the Final Girl Film Club, it's time to pick a film for next month. What a great response for June's movie, Lifeforce! You guys rock my face off. I haven't made my way through reading all the reviews yet, but I'm working on it. Reading may be fundamental, but it's also so very hard. As is math. Damn my girl parts!

The point is, yes, July's pick is...



The Car, bitches! James Brolin! Ronny Cox! THE CAR! It's totally like the Jaws of...of cars, man.

I love that trailer. I love the woman on the phone- "I think I hear the engine of that car..." and if after watching it you're able to get the "honk...honkhonkhonnnnk" out of your head, you're made of stronger stuff than I.

The Car is available on Netflix for you Netflix peeps. Sa-weet! I can't wait.

The movie: The Car
The due date: Monday, August 4

In other news, has anyone ever made a movie about a flying shark? If not, someone totally should. Ooh! And the shark should go "honk...honkhonkhonnnnk" when it's not screeching like an eagle. And the mayor should totally refuse to cancel the annual beach festival despite all the warnings about the dangerous shark- then, after a dead body washes up on shore, he should totally cancel the festival...but it won't matter because the shark can fly and therefore NO ONE IS SAFE! It can get you anywhere!

"I think I hear the honking of that shark..."

It totally writes itself.

The wednesday you-know-what

All the usual suspects are present and accounted for, folks!

This week at AMC I talk about horror movies based on "actual events"...GET OUT!

Ghostella's Haunted Tomb gets all ten kinds of artsy with Noir D'Ivoire, a surrealist French horror film from 1962. C'est tres scary!


This just in from the I'm A Total Whore Department:

If I tell you about the upcoming Alone in the Dark video game (hitting the streets June 24), then the good folks at Atari will send me a copy of the game to review. I cannot resist the promise of a free scary video game, so I now present to you one of the many trailers for Alone in the Dark:





While the Uwe Boll film (that one featuring Tara Reid as a scientist, which is kind of awesome in an I want to kill myself sort of way) is supposedly based on the game and shares the same name, if that's your only experience with AitD, I assure you, the games are worth your time and I'm very much looking forward to this next installment. AitD was one of the very first (if not the first) entries in the "survival horror" genre, appearing on PC way back in 1992. My introduction to the series came in 1996 when the sequel Alone in the Dark: Jack is Back hit PlayStation, and I gotta tell ya, I fucking hated it. My friend Jim and I spent so much time trying to play the damn thing, but we could never get anywhere. Within moments, some jerk would be throwing our character off a cliff and that was that. Ooh, my blood gets all angried up just thinking about it!

As you all know, however, I am a kind, gentle, forgiving soul- as such, when Alone in the Dark 4: The New Nightmare came along in 2001, I decided to give it a try...and lo, it was good! Advancements in both gaming hardware (the game was released on PS 2 and Dreamcast) (I miss my Dreamcast) and the survival horror genre as a whole made a huge difference and AitD 4 was scary and fun, and no one was chucking me off a cliff repeatedly.

The point of all that is, I'm really looking forward to seeing and playing the next-gen AitD game. If that means you have to deal with some trailers and pictures here on FG, then so be it! It's not as bad as that time I whored myself out for a pack of Freshen Up.

Don't look so high and mighty, you. We've all had our weak moments!

things about which to talk

From the other people write better than I do department:

The inimitable Kim Morgan has written a piece over at MSN detailing why Nosferatu is her favorite vampire. Sayeth La Morgan:

Poetic, horrifying and innovative compositions, atmospheric evil and the transformative powers of an actor appearing as walking death can chill our bones equally, if not more — particularly in the hands of a master. Such is the power of Murnau’s expressionistic silent-screen classic “Nosferatu,” a milestone in vampire cinema and a movie so creepy that its images linger in your mind long after you’ve soaked in its sinister magic.

It's a wonderful piece, and frankly it makes me feel as if I wrote nothing more than "Him are scary doy doy pointy!" back when I wrote about das vampyre back in October. Morgan's piece is part of some MSN Cadillac promotion or something or other where people are supposed to vote for their favorite onscreen bloodsucker; read about fellow nominees Near Dark and Spanish-language Dracula, then go vote and discuss. What, no Christopher Lee? Feh.

Oh, and buy a Cadillac! Nosferatu commands you!


From the you knew it had to happen department:

Man, right after posted my Michael Bay remakes and the subsequent punching of kittens poll comes news that Bay's Platinum Dunes is remaking Rosemary's Baby. JA's got the scoop over at My New Plaid Pants, and he's gone sufficiently apoplectic enough for the both of us. It's obvious that the world of horror movies is becoming one giant mobius strip, where every film is going to be remade and remade until the end of time; I can't really care any more. The remakes may or may not suck, as can be said about the originals. The new will not detract from my love of the old. I do like to note the differences between the version, however- such as with the upcoming April Fool's Day remake, which seems to bear no resemblance to the original- and marvel at the studio reasoning that dictates "Changing the content completely but keeping the title and calling it a 'remake' is way better than creating something entirely new", because that makes absolutely no sense to me. It's also a sort of masochistic fun to see how many corpses Platinum Dunes will desecrate.

From the see you next Tuesday department:

The PS2 version of Silent Hill: Origins hits streets today. I traded in enough old crappy games to get it for free, so SH:O and I are going to spend a little quality time together. Gawd, I hope it likes me back...I made it a mixtape!


From the gratuitous Flo department:

boooooooom!

Can you sense the waves of electric excitement emanating from your computer monitor as you read this? Can you feel those waves burning your eyes with awesome? I bet you can! No, it's not late-season allergies making your eyes well up with tears...why, that's just the supreme power of this, Final Girl's

500th POST!

You're damn right it is, Charles Nelson Reilly. As the kids today might say, OMG! My Two-Year Anniversary Spectacular was decidedly less than spectacular, so I figured I'd take the opportunity presented by this milestone post to embark upon a little journey down memory lane. Grab a beer or a fruit smoothie and feel free to join me as I reminisce, and be sure to add some sweet, sweet reminiscin's of your own.

People ask me all the time*, "Stacie how in the world did Final Girl ever get its start? Did the idea come to you in a fever dream? Did you see the words "START A HORROR BLOG" spelled out in a tortilla? It's hard to believe that such a blog didn't simply fall from the heavens in a rainbow shower of sparkles, but please, tell me- I must know! "

At that point in the conversation, the inquiring mind is usually on the ground clutching at the hem of my beautiful velvet robes. I free myself, insult them somehow in a clipped British accent- I tend to use some variation on the old "unwashed masses" line- and then I get back to playing video games. Yes, in beautiful velvet robes- sitting on one's couch playing Cooking Mama** is not an excuse for unglamourousness.

Anyway, as in most things in life, the primordial ooze from whence Final Girl eventually crawled was, of all things, a comic book message board. Yes, I hung from time to time out on a comic message board...in my capacity as a "comic book inker", it was all but essential to my work. One fateful afternoon, I noticed that one of my cyberpals was displaying a link to something called Dark, But Shining. I followed the link only to discover that my cyberpal had co-founded this...website- a blog, I think they call it?...about horror movies and stuff. I was intrigued, and I became a daily reader. Eventually I noticed that Dark, But Shining had links to other sites- other blogs where people were talking about horror movies and stuff. I was yet more intrigued! "Hmm," I thought. "Hmm. Hmm, indeed." Then I thought about something else, most likely about pizza or kittens.

After a few days of "Hmm"-ing, it came to me. Pointing my finger to the sky, I proclaimed loudly "Why yes! I, too, will start one of these so-called "horror" "blogs", for I, too, love horror movies and stuff! It will be remarkable and glorious...or at least, something to do!"

I studied what all the other bloggers were doing in order to come up with my niche, if you will- say, no one was writing about slasher films! I love 'em, so I figured I'd make 'em my 'thing'. Then it was onto a name, a process which set many of my brain cells on fire. I came up with an extremely short list of possibilities and settled on Final Girl. I think it's a pretty fucking rad name, although the runner-up, Stacie Magorium's Macabre Emporium of Horror Films and Pizza, Though Not Necessarily Together! would have been swell also.

All that was left was actually publishing the damn blog, and on June 11, 2005 I did just that, jumping tentatively into the horror blog community. Though today it seems as if everyone and their mother (and perhaps even their mother's mother and her favorite afghan) are blogging about horror, it was a small circle way back when, consisting primarily of Dark, But Shining, Warrenzone, The Groovy Age of Horror, M Valdemar, Mystery of the Haunted Vampire, and Corpse Eaters; to the best of my knowledge, I may have been the only female horror blogger at the time, although I know not the secrets of my peers. Some of these blogs have gone off to that big server in the sky, whilst others have changed throughout the years- Warrenzone is now forever trapped in 150 Days of Sodom (ouch!), whilst Curt and Co. have gone Beyond the Groovy Age.

This picture has nothing to do with anything, and it's only here to break up all the text. Oh, how I've gone on!

My early posts were pretty bad- not so bad that I want to delete them, but certainly bad enough that I cringe a little and think about re-writing them. What amazed me, though- and still does, truth be told- is that people were reading my crap and commenting on it. People I didn't even know! It's quite remarkable and it's one of the things I love about writing in a blog format...I really dig the interactivity of the whole process, even when you're being a jerk- or is that especially when you're being a jerk? But seriously, Final Girl has changed my life- yes, changed my life- in ways you wouldn't believe. I've made some very, very dear friends all because of this little site, and I literally have Final Girl to thank for the direction my life has taken. I've got Major Nefarious Plans That Have Yet to be Revealed, but it's nothing like what I expected when I clicked "select your template!" a couple of years ago. Altogether now...

AWWW!

Okay, enough of the mush...let's get down to brass tacks here. You there! Take my hand and let's remember together!

I love to swear. It's true. Now, I'm not one of those people who blurt out "fuck" every other word...oh my, no. Though I may completely wrong, I like to think that I swear creatively and use blue language for emphasis and the such. It's in my blood- really, you should hear my grandmother...she'd make a sailor explode in flames from the blushin'. I agonized for approximately 15 seconds as to whether or not to use foul language here at FG, but I came to a decision on this blog's second day, wherein I discussed The Ring and how it made me realize ghosts could be scary: "That image of ghosts- that just has every hooker has a heart of gold, every ghost has a heart like Casper- was shattered when the weird kid in The Ring turned to Naomi Watts and said, "You didn't help her, did you?" What the fuck?! Samara was pure evil? Oh. Oh, no. That's not playing by the rules. That's not cool at all."

I love stunts. My first event occurred rather early on in Final Girl's lifespan: SHOCKtober! I noticed that all the other horror bloggers were doing something special during the month of October, and I so desperately wanted to be a cool kid that I figured I should do something special as well. What's that? Why yes, I'd love to jump off the Brooklyn Bridge!

I had two marathons during that inaugural SHOCKtober: I watched all of the Friday the 13th films in one sitting, and a week later or so later I did the same with the Halloween films. A few highlights:

"My God, I lost an entire day of my life to the Friday the 13th films."

"You've gotta be fucking kidding me."

"My eyes were filled with tears of hatred and anger, and they burned...they burrrrrrned...."

"No no no no no no no no no. No no no nonononononononoNO! NO!"

I'm kinda surprised I'm still around to talk about it.

My love for events could not be restrained, however, and I soon began exploring the mysterious realm known as "not October". I've had Supernatural '70s Week, Ghost Week, Children Hate You Week, Animals Run Amok Week (twice, even!), Hello, Dolly! Week, and of course, Amicus Week. Actually, I used my first theme week (Supernatural '70s) as an excuse to talk about something besides slasher films. Though my focus remains on that subgenre, I think it's okay to branch out a little, right? RIGHT?! Tell me you still love me! It's obvious, looking back, that the word "week" means nothing to me; some "weeks" are only a couple of days, while others reach the double digits. The lesson here is, I cannot be restrained by society's meanings and definitions. Don't tread on me!

I love stunts...and you! In an attempt to meld my love of the themes and my love of the FG commenters, I began the Final Girl Film Club.

Okay, I say it was attempt to meld my love of the themes and my love of the FG commenters, but we all know it's really a small part of my ongoing bid for world domination...today, I make people watch horror movies...tomorrow, I will rule the universe! If there's one thing we all know by now, it's that I'm a power monger.

Anyway, the first Film Club post wasn't really a Film Club post at all- I synched up for a flick with my pal Brennon...err, John Barleycorn...of Look Back in Anger. We both watched Strange Behavior and wrote about it on the same day, with hilarious results ensuing...as well as the idea to do it again, with more people:

I really dig this concept of synchronized reviews of movies we've not seen before, and if anyone else out there wants to join in the fun, just drop me a line. GASP! I'll call it The Final Girl Film Club! Yeah! I'll be like Oprah and her Book Club! Except, of course, I'll be cooler than she is because...again, well, who isn't. I'll be sadder, though, because I'm not a powerful billionaire who knows the cast of Friends.

In other news, I loathe that show Friends.

Begin a Film Club I did on April 2, 2006, selecting Bloody Murder...a real stinker, to put it kindly.

I must say, though, after sitting through it and ruminating upon it, I could really only think of 5 things that were really wrong with it:

1. The plot
2. The dialogue
3. The acting
4. The directing
5. The fact that it was a horror movie, yet it was never, ever even a little bit scary

We Film Clubbers have chugged our way through 12 selections, and there's no end in sight. The universe is within my grasp!

I love the funny. Sometimes, I write some funny stuff. I think this stuff is funny:

Night of Bloody Horror: "Having Gerald McRaney of television's Major Dad in a movie is one thing...having Gerald McRaney of television's Major Dad in a movie humping someone is quite another. "

Trick or Treat: "So I was like 'Umm…are you threatening me, Trick or Treat? Are you fucking threatening ME in MY house? Because I will totally whale on you like you’ve never—' but then I stopped. Trick or Treat had started to cry softly."

The Final Girl Hall of Infamy: "He looks like Gene Shalit!"

Kingdom of the Spiders: "I thought it was a nice unexpected twist when the hot entomologist finds a spider in a drawer and, instead of shrieking, calmly picks it up and puts it outside...then again, she was an entomologist, so I guess she wouldn't flip out because she saw a spider. Never mind."

Hellraiser: Deader: "I mean, tacking Jason Voorhees into the last fifteen minutes of The Trip to Bountiful and changing the title to Jason vs Gramma doesn’t properly make it Friday the 13th Part 18, you know?

On the other hand, it would make it a film I’d very much like to see."

Frogs: "To prove once and for all that there no dignity in death nor in the late career of an aged Hollywood actor, we're treated to a shot of frogs climbing all over Ray Milland's ass."

Hitcher II: "Hitcher II is pretty much the same as The Hitcher, except instead of Rutger Hauer as the psycho bad guy hitchhiker, this time around it's Jake Busey as the psycho bad guy hitchhiker. To me, this is the equivalent of going to a strip club once and seeing Angelina Jolie do a routine and then you return the following week and you see the same routine but it's performed by the mom from Growing Pains. She’s lovely and all, but the effect isn’t quite the same, now is it?"

And so on and so on. I'm gonna keep on keepin' on, because shucks, I really do love this stupid blog.

I just want to say thanks to everyone who reads this site, everyone who's commented or dropped me a line, everyone who's linked to me, and everyone who's sent me money and prezzies***. Thanks to the community of film bloggers for putting out such kick-ass content that continues to inspire me.

Yay, Final Girl! Yay, 500 posts!

But enough about me...what do YOU think about me?


Oh, that Charles Nelson Reilly. Always keepin' it real!



________________________________

* no one ever asks me
** I have never actually played Cooking Mama, but I think we can all agree that it's the best videogame name ever.
***no one has ever sent me money or prezzies! What the eff?