eh, just do it yourself.

I wrote up a bit of an ode to the back yard filmmakers of the world over at AMC this week. Go read it. Or don't, see if I care. You just think you're so big, don't you?

I finally caught the finale of VH1's Scream Queens last night and...ridiculousness aside, I think it was the first time in the history of ever that my favorite contestant from the beginning actually won a reality competition.

And yet, I still feel empty inside.

And I still won't go see Saw VI.

What I will see, however, is My Bloody Valentine 3D, which opens on January 16th. The commercials are starting to air and dammit, I'm excited. The Harry Warden costume looks great and just as scary as the original, and I find myself not caring a whit- NOT A WHIT I SAY- that it's a remake. Perhaps that's owed to the fact that the words "three" and "dee" are tacked on to the title- as we all know, I fucking love 3D. So much so that I would probably go see The Runaway Bride if it were re-released in 3D. So much so that I would probably go see some romantic comedy/frat comedy/heartwarming Christmas movie with an all-star cast that features Paul Reiser, Julia Roberts, Charlie Sheen, Cameron Diaz (I just don't get her), Jack Black (I just don't get him), and the Welch's Grape Juice Children if it were in 3D...and that's saying A LOT because for some reason those Grape Juice commercials really angry up my blood, especially this one.

But today is not a day for angried-up blood! Let's all GET PUMPED to the strains of "Rock n' Rock" from the little1986 masterpiece called Killer Workout. So much rock, they don't have time to roll! Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go make out with my KW videocassette.

greetings from Camp Arawak part 2

In the midst of all of the hullabaloo surrounding the upcoming Return to Sleepaway Camp, the fourth film in the series, I thought I'd take a moment to make a list I've decided to call

Some Things I Love About Sleepaway Camp

Christ, that's clever! And yes, I know there's no "hullabaloo" surrounding Return to Sleepaway Camp. First off, "hullabaloo" was today's highlighted word on my Word-A-Day desk calendar and I wanted to use it in a sentence- I mean, how else am I going to remember it? Secondly, I just wanted to pretend there's some hullabaloo going on to add a little spice to this boring Friday afternoon. Is that so wrong? To want some pizazz? To want to turn this post from the equivalent of dull, rote calisthenics to the equivalent of exciting, death-defying Jazzercise?

And no, I don't actually have a Word-A-Day desk calendar, but I don't really see how that makes any difference. Get off my fucking back already!

It goes without saying that there are bound to be spoilers on this list. It also goes without saying that if you've yet to see Sleepaway Camp, you should probably leave right now and not come back until you've seen it. We don't want your kind around these parts, unseer!

Some Things I Love About Sleepaway Camp

1) Ronnie (Paul DeAngelo), the jacked-up counselor who wears super-tight tops, super-short shorts that create disturbing crotch bulges, and matching tennies.

2) "You're just jealous!" Omifuckinggod, Judy, yes we are! I love Judy and her sour attitude, her massive side-ponytail, and the shirt she wears with her name on it. I want one...yeah, one that says "Judy".


3) Death by bees, death by hot water, death by boat, death by curling iron...despite the low-budget, there are some rather creative kills going on here- and the effects aren't half bad!

4) Gay, gay, gay. From the bizarre black box theatre performance of Men, Petting to the homoerotic baseball game to the homoerotic night swimming to the homoerotic water balloon fighting, there's just a lot of...homoeroticosity going on in this movie.

"Homoeroticosity" is totally a word- I saw it on my Word-A-Day desk calendar last Tuesday.




5) Ricky's foul mouth. As you may have noticed, I do so love a good swear word, and Ricky manages to bust out with some choice ones: dickface, asshole, prick, cocksucker, chickenshit, fuckin' pussies...it's almost enough to make my gramma blush.

6) "Hey, bob-a-ree-bob..."

7) The cop who shows up early on, then returns later sporting THE BEST WORST FAKE MOUSTACHE IN THE HISTORY OF EVER. You can tell I feel strongly about it because I used all those capital letters.

But really, is that shoe polish?

8) "Oh my god, we hit a boat!" This girl tries so hard at the acting thing, it's awesome. I love her, whoever she is. Also of note from the opening scene: the Noo Yawk accents. "Did not, you lie-uh!"

9) "The name is Meg. M-E-G." I totally want to cop Meg's attitude and spell my name out when meeting people from now on. I also totally want to know exactly what it is that the girl in the red shirt loves. Maybe Meg's headband! I mean, H-E-A-D-B-A-N-D.

10) Ricky's hat, which he wears unironically. Look at that strut! He totally pimps around in that thing like he's George Jefferson.

11) The many stares of Angela. Whether she's watching Judy unpack, getting pelted with water balloons, coming dangerously close to being raped by the sleazy cook, getting yelled at by Judy and/or M-E-G, or simply sitting on a bench, the girl is indeed a "nutcake". A stary, stary nutcake.

12) Umm...

No one saw that one coming. Anyone who says they did is a lying liar. Sure, maybe you guessed the killer's identity, but there's no way you guessed that the innie was actually an outie.

There you go, some things I love about Sleepaway Camp. Don't you feel that we've grown closer during this process? I do.

Speaking of lists...

...lists and dreams, that is...here's a list of 50 horror films I would unhesitatingly shell out cold, hard cash to see.

1. EsKILLator
2. The Eyes Have Eyes
3. Deadly Dress 4: Never a Bride
4. Elderly of the Corn
5. Hell Face
6. Hell Face 3-D: Evil Never Dies
7. Wicked Harvest: You Are Food
8. Kill Your Television!
9. An American Werewolf in America
10. 666 Nightmare Boulevard: Hell Co-Op
    
11. Eat 2: They Chew
12. Death Fort
13. Killer Wig
14. Wig of a Killer
15. Wig of a Killer 2: The Reweavening
16. Wilford Brimley vs Jason
17. I Stab Your Neck
18. Death is My Co-Pilot
19. For Whom the Bell Kills
20. The Dwarves Under the Stairs
21. Stop, Or My Mom Will Eat Your Face!
22. I Am So Not Even Kidding When I Say That Someone Told Me What You Did Last Summer
23. 4th of July: Red, White, and Blood
24. Necronomicorn: Ears of Evil
25. With This Ring, I Thee Kill
26. Blood Vacation
27. Blood Vacation 6: Frequent DIEer
28. Taste of Flesh, Taste of Fear
29. Werewolf in a Girl's Panties
30. Die, Paco, Die!
31. The Hairdresser: Shear Terror
32. But I Killed You Yesterday!
33. Who's Been in the Herb Garden?
34. And A Child Shall Kill Them
35. Pencil Neck Freak
36. Black Thesis
37. Black Thesis 2: Ibid
38. Demon of the Food Court
39. Don't Look in the Bureau!
40. Don't Look in the Bureau 4: The Bottom Drawer
    
41. Clawz: Urban Werewolf
42. Terror Nightmare of Bloody Fear
43. Left of Hell
44. Voodoo Party Revenge
    
45. Murder Me Dead
46. In Satan's Closet
47. Where the Worms Go
    
48. Blood Cauldron: Hell Stew
49. Now I Lay Me Down To Die
50. Jazzercide
    

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From the "Best Ideas Stacie Never Had and Quite Frankly She's a Little Jealous" department comes Sponsor Our Zombie Movie! on eBay.

Christine Parker, Force of One behind the upcoming indy zombie flick The Forever Dead is seeking sponsorship on eBay, right here. Use the Buy It Now option to donate fabulous moolah in increments of $1. All donor names will be listed in the film's credits, and folks who donate $50 or more get copies of the DVD. Whether you want to see your name on the screen, you want to help out some indy horror filmmakers, or, like myself, you simply live to give...check it out.

For more info on The Forever Dead, go here.



Man, asking for money on eBay is a good idea. It's easy and juuuuust might capture people's attention. Why didn't I think of that?

Other notable ideas from the "Best Ideas Stacie Never Had and Quite Frankly She's a Little Jealous" department:

1. The wheel
2. Fire
3. Cap'n Crunch with Crunch Berries
4. Sneakers that turn into roller skates with the press of a button
5. Superman
6. Velcro
7. The Spice Girls
8. Pasta
9. Baseball
10. Jazzercise