Animals Run Amok Week 2: Day 3

One of my favorite things about the '80s- probably falling somewhere between my love of Garbage Pail Kids and my love for my glow-in-the-dark Creature From the Black Lagoon action figure- was the resurgence of the 3-D movie. I've got many a fond memory of sitting in front of the TV or at the drive-in, looking like a total dork in those red and blue glasses, clapping with simple-minded glee at the three-dimensional antics of, say, Jason Voorhees in Friday the 13th Part 3-D. Many of these films, like Amityville 3-D, are available today on DVD. The titles have dropped the "D" from "3D", and watching the films in 3D isn't really an option anymore. This fact makes for some bizarre sequences: for example, someone onscreen will say "Would you like a HOT DOG?" and then they'll thrust a hot dog at the screen for 10 seconds. In the film's original format, this magic would leave audiences oohing and aahing. Today, sans magic, this leaves the audience saying "Alright already, get that fucking hot dog out of my face".

Sadly, I never got to see Jaws 3 (1983) in all its three-dimensional glory. Watching it now and seeing what coulda been is a bit like going to the prom the morning after it's over. The fallen streamers, the empty Boone's Farm bottles, and the discarded panties in the corner make you think "Damn. I really missed out on a good time! Stupid psoriasis flareup!". Then you remember that proms suck no matter what and you feel better- or you watch Jaws 3 and realize that even if it had been shown in 50-D format, it would still suck.

Jaws 3 takes place at Sea World, where Sheriff Brody's son Mike has grown up into Dennis Quaid. Mike is in charge of the facilities at Sea World, which is due to open to the public shortly. The attraction will feature a whole bunch of underwater hubs in a man-made lagoon, so tourists can experience sea life up close. Mike's girlfriend Kathryn (Bess Armstrong) is the chief biologist at Sea World, and everything is going swimmingly. HA HA HA.

You know, I can't be bothered to give a detailed plot synopsis. This movie was so fucking lame and boring that we'll all feel better if I just denote some highlights...if you can call them that.

- Back to the Future fans will THRILL to Lea Thompson's astounding performance as a park water-skier
- Dennis Quaid sweats A LOT in this movie
- Shockingly, the underground water park is fake. Not that you can really tell by these dazzling effects:

- When the shark is supposed to be on the 'attack', the footage of it swimming leisurely is simply sped up
- The movie ends on a freeze-frame of jumping, twirling dolphins
- The big dramatic sequence in the film has the shark VERRRRRRY SLOWWWWWLY charging the underwater Sea World control center. No, really- you have no idea how slow it was. If you scroll down the following photos, the sequence will happen faster than it did in the movie.










If you're in the mood for some shark action, skip Jaws 3 altogether. I suggest heading in one cinematic direction and opting for the original Jaws, or heading in the other direction and opting for Shark Attack 3. I honestly feel I could have made a better shark movie than Jaws 3 with some tub toys. Don't just take my word for it, though...what would you like to say to Jaws 3, Charles Nelson Reilly?

Animals Run Amok Week 2: Day 2

You know what’s great about Final Girl? No, silly, I mean besides all the Charles Nelson Reilly pictures and my liberal use of the F word. The comments are great, that’s what! I like the discourse and yes of course the compliments but wait there’s more! I love the recommendations. You guys are like my own personal “If you like this, then you’re sure to like this!” squad, and it rocks. I mean, without a random comment somewhere from reader Bill, I may never have sought out Zoltan: Hound of Dracula (1978)- and then where would I be? Just where would I be, hmm? Would my life be as complete? Would my life have nearly as much meaning?

Yes, of course it would. But I wouldn’t have seen Zoltan: Hound of Dracula, so there’s that. Now, before you get all “Excuse me? "Hound" of "Dracula"? Since when? Dracula didn’t have no dog. For reals, y’all”, let me just say that if Superman and Batman and Paris Hilton can have dogs, then Dracula can have a dog. And besides, it’s kind of not even Dracula’s dog anyway…gah! I’m getting ahead of myself.

The movie begins as some unnamed armed forces blast open a crypt. Rather than exploring much, however, it’s decided that one soldier will stand watch and everyone else splits for some reason. Soon enough, the soldier is examining the names in the crypt…there’s Frederick Dracula…Mikhail Dracula…Bocephus Dracula…ok, I made that last one up but the point is, this is the Dracula family crypt! Not cool.

Suddenly, there’s an earthquake…or something. Whatever it is, the crypt begins to shake and out pops a coffin onto the floor. The soldier decides “Eh. When in Rome…” and opens the coffin. Inside, there’s a shrouded figure with a large wooden stake protruding from the chest. The soldier then does what any rational person would do: he pulls out the stake.

Now, I know this had to happen to further along the plot, but I couldn’t help but think- what kind of person would, under normal circumstances (meaning, this isn’t a grave-robbing expedition or what have you), open a coffin and play with the body inside? Put yourself in the soldier’s shoes for a moment- what would you do? WWJD? WWJJD? WWJJJD?* See what I’m sayin’? Word.

Anyway, dumb soldier = good horror movie plot device, so yes, out comes the stake. The shroud begins to move, and then up jumps a dog! A dog who then clamps onto the stupid soldier’s neck in a biting fashion! Zoltan, thou art loosed!

After feeding, Zoltan manages to dutifully revive his master, Veidt Smith (Reggie Nalder). Smith immediately (and conveniently, for us) thinks back to when he was but a humble servant and Zoltan was but a humble Doberman. After a visit one dark night from Dracula himself- a rather bitey visit- both Smith and Zoltan fell into service for the vampire. Dracula is now dead however, so Smith and Zoltan must find themselves a new master.

Later, the army returns to the blast site and they’ve brought Inspector Branco (Jose Ferrer) with them. Branco notices that two of the coffins are empty and, spying the family name, immediately insists that all the remaining corpses are burned. When the sassy Major (Arlene Martel) is all like, “Say what?”, Branco tells her about Smith and calls him a…I don’t know, it sounded like “something something labia” which in retrospect probably isn’t correct but I’d had some Magic Hat #9 and “something something labia” was the best I could make out. Regardless of a title or a label, Smith is only a half-vampire. This means he can withstand sunlight and he has no real thirst for blood, but he must always serve a master. Back at his library headquarters, Branco deduces that with Bocephus Dracula dead, Smith must travel to Los Angeles to find the last remaining member of the Dracula family line- mild-mannered attorney Michael Drake (Michael Pataki, aka The Poor Man’s Judd Hirsch). The Inspector hops in the Brancomobile, hot on the trail of the dastardly duo.

Unaware of the canine terror headed their way, Drake and family have just begun a vacation- dad, mom, the kids, their two German Shepherds, and a box full of puppies pile into an RV for a little off-season camping near Big Bear. Smith and Zoltan follow, Inspector Branco follows them, and Zoltan: Hound of Dracula gets kind of odd, kind of boring, kind of awesome.

The film gets odd and boring when Zoltan surprisingly becomes a sort of siege movie- a vampire dog siege movie as Smith sends Zoltan off to do his bidding and Drake and Branco hide from him. This is an okay conceit in small doses, but in actuality we get instance upon instance of Smith’s pinched-old-lady-smoker-mouth face as he telepathically communicates with Zoltan. He intones in a voiceover “Go Zoltan. Go now!” and then we see Zoltan…err, go.


This happens over and over AND OVER and if I was Zoltan, I would totally be like “Umm, excuse me, pucker face, why am I doing all the work? All you fucking do is sit around all day and glare while I have to run around and bite everyone and I am DONE WITH IT. Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh, I’ve got a new attitude.” And then I would leave, and probably pee on a bush. Then I’d drink out of a toilet and hump someone’s leg. While this wouldn’t really be such a drastic lifestyle change for me on the surface of things, it would garner me much less staring from uptight squares, for I would be engaging in these activities as a vampire dog. Why it’s okay for vampire dogs to just go and do whatever they want but when I go and do whatever I want there’s talk of “indecency” I’ll never know…but whatevs.

It is in fact awesome, however, that ever-so-slowly Zoltan builds a little army of vampire dogs. He bites the Drake family Shepherds and another camper’s hound, and all the dogs turn grey and get all mean and chompy.

The AMAZING thing about this movie- the thing that makes the entire affair pretty much worth watching is undoubtedly…the vampire puppy. YES, I SAID THE VAMPIRE PUPPY! See, Zoltan dispatches one of the Shepherd pups and when the Drakes find the body they bury it. As we’ve seen in horror films since the beginning of time, it doesn’t take long for the dirt to move as a body scrambles out- the fact that it’s an undead vampire puppy scrambling out, however, makes the sequence feel as fresh as a Summer’s Eve. There is nothing quite like seeing a puppy emerge from the grave as a vampire to make one’s day joyous and complete. In the film’s closing moments, right when you think it’s all over, we’re treated to the snarling, glowing-eyed puppy looking all menacing and cute. If only the film had continued for just a little while longer!

Alas, a final freeze-frame is the only vampire puppy action we get. Zoltan: Hound of Dracula isn't a very good movie- a shocking declaration, I know. It is, however, prime late-night drive-in fare- I mean, who doesn't love vampire dogs? Only jerks don't love vampire dogs.


*Jesus, Joan Jett, and J. Jonah Jameson respectively

Animals Run Amok Week 2: Day 1

Have you ever picked up a movie and thought “Oh my yes, this movie is speaking directly to my soul!”? You know what I'm talkin' bout, Willis: those rare times when reading the plot synopsis can be likened to reading a singles ad and feeling an instant rapport with the person placing the ad- “What? You enjoy reading and talking? So do I! You also dislike ‘emotional baggage’ and feel one should save the drama for one’s mama? Oh, verily, AngelEyez227, are we not two hearts beating but as one?” I tell you now, it was all fireworks, the laughter of babies, and little birds flying around my head when I read the plot summary for Bug (1975) and learned that it’s about big cockroaches. Big cockroaches that can start fires. I read that and immediately suggested that Bug and I meet up for a grande latte half-caff frappucappamochachaiachino somewhere- and this without asking for a photo first! That's how smitten I was right off the bat. Sadly, my relationship with Bug ended just as most relationships do, whether they begin Desperately Seeking Susan-style or not: with a sad shake of the head and an “Oh. You’re not quite as cool as I thought you were. Well, at least we had some fun, though, eh?”

Like all the best movies, Bug begins with an earthquake. Sure, sleepy little Riverside, California loses their church in the quake, but that’s the least of their problems: all that shaking has created a massive fissure in the earth at the Tacker Farm, and out of this fissure- from the very depths of Hell! (I assume)- come…THE BUGS.

The bugs waste no time in getting down to business. Within moments of their reaching the surface, Farmer Tacker’s truck explodes. The camera slowly pans from the licking flames to a big antenna-wiggling cockroach and from this the audience can only assume that the bug has started the fire, right? Right!

Before long, fires are popping up everywhere as the bugs set everything ablaze- more trucks go up, a cat is set on fire, and in a moment of wicked total, like, symbolism, we see a burning bush. For you religious types, that’s got some meaning- but I think on a deeper level it can also be read as a warning to you skanky types out there to behave, you dig? See? Bug is a movie by the people, for the people!

At this point in the proceedings of virtually every animals run amok movie, it’s time to meet our resident scientist expert, and Bug is no exception- in this case, Professor Jim Parminter (Bradford Dillman). Professor Parminter is a bit of an “unorthodox” teacher- to demonstrate how frogs act when they’re in heat, for example, he hops around the room; to prove his theory that at one time or another man could communicate with all the animals on the planet, he becomes…The Squirrel Whisperer.





Parminter heads to the Tacker Farm to study the bugs and quickly deduces a few facts- the roaches start the fires by rubbing their chitinous rear antennae together. The bugs are nigh indestructible by conventional means, but they’re slowly dying on their own due to the difference in pressure between their underground habitat and the Earth’s surface. According to my science calculator, that’s fascinating!

The professor continues to study the bugs and wait for them to die; sometime during the course of his travels between the University and home, however, some of those rascally roaches hitched a ride in his car’s tailpipe. One bug makes his way into the house and sets Mrs Parminter’s hair on fire- on her birthday, even. How tragic.

While watching poor Mrs Parminter’s hair smoke and burst into flame, I couldn’t help but notice that the kitchen she was frantically running around looked awfully familiar. I eventually placed it, and a little internet research confirmed my suspicions- the set used for the Parminter kitchen is the same set used for the kitchen on The Brady Bunch- the latter having been cancelled about a year before Bug went into production. According to my trivia calculator, that’s fascinating!

With the death of his wife at the…err, flame-shooting rear ends of the roaches, the battle between Parminter and the bugs becomes personal. The grieving biologist goes a little bonkers and holes up in the empty Tacker farmhouse. He stops shaving, stops bathing, and develops a bit of a God complex as he mates a firebug with a regular household cockroach. His experiment pays off and a new super-aggro breed of firebug is born- stronger, faster, better! These six million dollar superroaches not only start fires, but also they have somehow developed a taste for human flesh!

It’s not only the late-night nibbling that makes Parminter think that he’s gone too far in his quest for…whatever he’s questing for, however. It soon becomes apparent that these bugs are operating with a hive mentality- a super smart hive mentality.

When one considers the ‘greatest’ moments in film history, there are some sequences that are universally recognized: Marilyn Monroe’s dress flying up in The Seven Year Itch, Burt Lancaster and Deborah Kerr making out amongst the waves in From Here to Eternity, the cropduster chasing Cary Grant through the fields in North by Northwest. From Rosebud to “You talkin’ to me?” to “She’s my daughter! (slap) My sister! (slap) My daughter! (slap)” to “We’ll always have Paris”, these moments have made audiences laugh, cry, or simply stare in wide-eyed wonder at the screen. Can we not, then, add this pivotal moment from Bug to the greatest moments roster?

Has there ever been anything in the history of ever that’s better than big fat cockroaches scrambling over a wall and spelling out WE LIVE? I mean, it took Victor Hugo, like, 1500 pages of Les Miserables to say the same thing- those supercockroaches spelled it out in five seconds. Does it not speak to us all? Don’t we ALL live, man and super flesh-eating fire-starting cockroach alike? Yes, we do. We…do.

*tear*

Anyway, Parminter realizes far too late that he’s become a victim of his own hubris. Yet another generation of cockroaches is born- and this time, they can fly. Yes, there are now flying carnivorous, fire-shooting cockroaches capable of spelling out pithy sayings! Sadly, Bug wraps up quickly and rather unbelievably (I know…even LESS believable than the fact that there are flying, carnivorous, fire-shooting cockroaches) after the advent of this new breed: there’s another earthquake and Parminter and the superbugs get sucked down into the giant crack in the earth- the crack seals, problem solved.

“Parminter and the Superbugs” sounds like something from The World of Sid and Marty Krofft, doesn’t it?

Bug is really unlike any other animals run amok movie I’ve seen. Sure, it starts out with a plague of roaches setting the town afire, but it takes a drastic turn in the last half as Parminter gets his experimentation on. Bradford Dillman does a decent job as the professor- he makes the best of some boring material, anyway. Yeah, as awesome as I’ve made Bug sound, the truth of the matter is that it slows down far too much after Mrs Parminter (Joanna Miles) dies and it only picks up again in the final moments. The lack of thrills is all the more depressing when you consider that Bug was co-written and produced by shockmeister William Castle, the man who brought audiences such gimmick-filled funfests as The Tingler and House on Haunted Hill.

Don’t get me wrong- I found this straying from the typical animals run amok formula refreshing. In the end, however, I wanted more- I wanted the flying, carnivorous, fire-shooting cockroaches to wreak some havoc, dammit! Just when things were really starting to heat up (har), the movie was over. Someone make Bug 2 now! Let them LIVE!

Jason vs Benny

A couple of days ago, I'd planned on linking you to the trailer for Rob Zombie's Halloween over yonder at Yahoo Movies. Then the yaysayers could say "That looks wicked killah!", the naysayers could say "I hated his other movies and there is no hope!", and the remaining few could say "We'll see!".

However, the MPAA has deemed the trailer too violent and Yahoo subsequently pulled it. Even the MPAA cannot stop the mighty power of YouTube, however (for the time being at least), and you can catch the trailer right here (thanks to Jess for the link!)

This is definitely going to be a much...violenter Halloween than any we've seen in the past.

Yes, I said 'violenter'. Me talk good. Hey, if Hellraiser 7 can be Hellraiser: Deader...I mean, that doesn't make any sense, either. In fact, I think the next entry in the series should be Hellraiser: Violenter, don't you? Let's start an internet petition! I'll be awaiting your call, Hollywood!

Here's a somewhat funny Friday the 13th/Benny Hill mashup- yes, Jason and Benny, two great tastes that are finally tasting great together. This almost makes Friday the 13th Part 5 seem like an appealing movie!

It's coming...

Oh baby, I'm so excited...the sequel event that has been long-awaited (mostly by me) is almost here...Monday begins Animals Run Amok Week 2! I've got many an animals hate you! flick lined up, and it will be gooooood. I can't wait!

In other news, given today's day and date, perhaps I will go all trite yet effective and watch Friday the 13th Part 2 later. I do so loves me some Baghead Jason.

A Tribute To...

MOUSTACHES of HORROR!

The Legacy

Halloween III: Season of the Witch

The Initiation

Friday the 13th

Madman

My Bloody Valentine

Black Christmas

Madhouse

Sleepaway Camp (Fakest. Moustache. EVARRR.)

Don't Look Now

The Bad Seed

The Special People Club

You know, I hadn’t quite realized that Clive Barker’s Hellraiser has become a bonafide franchise, a juggernaut set to rival even those most stalwart of franchises, A Nightmare on Elm Street and Friday the 13th. In fact, previous to this past weekend, I’d still only seen the original Hellraiser. I was shocked- shocked, I say!- to find out that Hellraiser: Deader (2005) is the seventh film in the series, and it’s not the last. Where the hell(raiser) have I been?

Kari Wuhrer stars as Amy Klein (shut up I know I’ve totally been on a Kari Wuhrer kick lately but I can’t seem to control myself ok so shut UP), an ultracool reporter who writes ultracool articles with titles like “How to be a Crack Whore”. She’s so ultracool, in fact, that she got booted from The New York Post for being…I don’t know, too ultracool or something, and she’s now writing for an ultracool London newspaper.

One fateful afternoon, Amy’s editor (Simon Kunz) calls her into his office in order to check out a videotape he received in the mail. On the tape, a group of kids who call themselves “Deaders” stand around in a warehouse looking all mopey. A girl Deader is cajoled into blowing her brains out so the leader of the Deaders, Winter (Paul Rhys), can suck face with her and bring her back to life. What a cool club! The girl sits up and exclaims “I’m OK!”, oblivious to the fact that while she may be alive again, she’s now saddled with a giant hole in her head. That’s gross, not to mention unsanitary. Why didn’t she hang herself or something equally less messy, rather than shooting herself in the head to play this little resuscitation game?

I don’t mean to harp, but I just couldn’t get past the impracticalities of the whole thing. “Yay, I’m alive again! Boo, I have a large gaping hole in my head! Mayhaps I shall fill said hole with Spam, using the canned meat like so much caulk. Then I shall get mah hurr did- a little weave here, a little weave there and I’ll be all set!”

At the conclusion of the tape, it’s decided that The Deaders have “huge ultracool blockbuster story!” written all over them and thus Amy must get the scoop. Her only lead is the return address on the mailing envelope, and so it’s off to Romania for Amy Klein.

Once in Romania, Amy gets caught up in all sorts of wacky Deader capers when she finds a dead body, another videotape, and a strange li’l cube we’ve all seen before.

Somehow our plucky and ultracool reporter has become trapped in a battle between the Deaders and the Cenobites- I think. It was all sort of confusing and nonsensical, and there were so many “Omigod did that just really happen? No, it’s just a dream…no wait, it DID happen…no, it was just a vision...” sequences that I kind of stopped trying to figure things out. Eventually Pinhead and His Merrie Bande of Leather-Clad Weirdos show up and I decided to simply enjoy the visuals, the chains, and the goo.

The single biggest problem with Hellraiser: Deader is that it’s glaringly obvious that the film was not originally conceived as an entry into the Hellraiser mythos. It was meant to be an entity unto itself, but at some point a “shrewd” producer slapped the Hellraiser label on it, Pinhead was added, and POOF! Hellraiser 7.

Yeah, that approach? It doesn’t work. I mean, tacking Jason Voorhees into the last fifteen minutes of The Trip to Bountiful and changing the title to Jason vs Gramma doesn’t properly make it Friday the 13th Part 18, you know?

On the other hand, it would make it a film I’d very much like to see.

Had director Rick Bota and writers Neal Marshall Stevens and Tim Day not been bogged down with the need for some added-on Hellraiser stuff, Deader could have been an interesting little thriller. It’s still an ok movie, I guess, though I’m already forgetting about it- it’s another sequel of a sequel in a long line of exercises in character dilution. In the end, however, the film does raise an important question:

IS THERE ANYTHING KARI WUHRER CAN’T DO?