I Heart: Black Christmas

Originally, I'd intended this post to be one of those quickie afternoon delights in the "Scenes I Love" series: a screen cap, a comment (or not), in, out, wham, bam, I would say "thank you ma'am" but now I'm all itchy and burny and worried, done. Then I ran afoul of a most serious problem, one entirely unrelated to my itchy and burny condition: see, once I start thinking about Black Christmas, I can't stop. Choosing just one scene in the film to highlight was impossible, because I heart the whole damn thing. Of course, I've talked about this movie so many times that you probably already know of my unhealthy obsession with it; this post, for example, talks a bit about why I'm so cuckoo for...err...for...Black...Christmas...puffs.

Wow, that's bad. But my intentions are true! I couldn't pick one favorite scene over any other, so I decided to simply list a bunch of reasons why I Heart Black Christmas.

And if you think I'm talking about the 2006 version, then...well, I was going to say that Final Girl may not be the place for you, but that's not true. I welcome all! You like what you like, I'll like what I like, and we'll still be friends. Fear not, for I see your true colors shining through and they are, in fact, beautiful like a rainbow. Like a rainbow made of macaroni.

Seriously though, I fucking hated Black Christmas '06. But here are eleven reasons why I love the original film!

1. The booze wreath

Sorority sister Barb has a wee bit of an alcohol problem, only in that she's always drunk and even proffers booze to kids at the holiday party. Maybe she acknowledges her weakness via holiday crafts; maybe the girls gave it to her as a joke. Whatever the case, I want one.

2. The phone tap

3. The body in the park

Mr Harrison is relieved to discover that the body of a young girl found in the park is not that of his missing daughter, Claire. She was still someone's daughter, however. It's unclear whether or not the girl was killed by the sorority house killer; there's a possibility that it's a tragedy entirely unrelated to the tragedy about to unfold a block away, meaning there are two killers in this tiny college town.

4. The body in the attic

Her last breath was an inhalation.

5. The bodies in the bedroom

Finding the bodies of all your friends has become such a slasher trope it's entirely expected in this day and age. Though John Carpenter really popularized the archetypical scene in Halloween, Bob Clark was doing that up in Canada years earlier.

6. The phone calls

They just get to me, what can I say?

7. Death by crystal unicorn

This really needs no explaining, but in case you don't get it: someone is killed WITH A CRYSTAL UNICORN.

8. The abortion subplot

Hey, remember the days when there was a bit of characterization, even in slasher films? Yeah, me too.

9. Margot Kidder

Speaking of characterization, how 'bout that Barb, huh? Everyone loves the "Fellatio 2-0880" bit, sure, but it's the "Mating Rituals of Turtles" bit that's really the keeper. Barb's the obnoxious, embarrassing drunk that no one really likes- including her own mother- and it's in the moments after she makes a fool of herself when Barb lets on that she knows no one likes her, so why should she be anything but her obnoxious, embarrassingly drunken self? Kidder brings it, y'all.

10. The eye

Recently good ol' Arbogast left a comment on one of my posts: "Nothing, but nothing, beats an eye looking through a hole." Now, to be honest, I have no idea whether or not he meant it. I have difficulty telling sometimes. I, however, agree with the sentiment..and while Black Christmas employs "eye through crack" instead of "eye through hole", it really doesn't get any better than this shot. Really. It's completely terrifying.

11. That moustache on the left

Sorry for the oversight: this film deserves three entries in the Horror Moustache Hall of Fame, not a mere two.

There are people who do not like Black Christmas. As you may have gathered, I...am not one of them.