It's the new haiku review...

...coming right at you!

The most remarkable thing about Incubus (2005) is that it premiered on AOL as the first direct-to-download film. Insomuch as Incubus broke new ground with its release format, I thought it only fitting to break new ground here at Final Girl with the review.

INCUBUS

Two crazy doctors-
one is chasing, one hiding.
They kill each other!

A car accident
strands Tara Reid and her friends
deep in the mountains.

They all bitch about
the cold, and one is wearing
five hundred dollar

boots- but they are all
going camping, so why aren't
they better prepared?

A weird hospital
not on the map will be their
shelter from the cold.

Ten minutes in and
this movie makes no damn sense.
I start to notice

that Tara Reid is
beige. Everything is beige:
skin, hair, eyes. Jaundice?

They find a pink man
sitting comatose inside
a big glass cube thing.

He has tubes sticking
out of his skin keeping him
alive. The kids then

pull all the tubes out
but he doesn't die. Awake,
o pink man, awake!

He controls them with
the powers of his pink mind.
Tara Reid and friends

kill each other dead,
just like those crazy doctors.
Run, Tara Reid, run!

Nonsensical is
this movie. People can talk
with their tongues cut out.

A boy doesn't seem
to care when he has to kill
his girlfriend. They use

their flashlights though the
lights are on. Tara Reid learns
about the pink man,

the hospital, and
everything in about
two minutes. She's smart!

And still very beige.
"You scared the shit out of me!"
they say fifty times

But I don't seem to
be scared at all. However,
I am very bored.

They run between the
same two locations over
and over again.

The acting is bad,
the script is even worse, yo.
It's all a big mess.

I'd rather stick tubes
up my nose and in my eyes
than watch this again.

Like a pink man or
a beige actress, my mind feels
soft, squishy, and dull.

Oh, Incubus, you
had some potential, but you
blew it big time. Suck!