indulgence

Who loves The Internet?

Answer: we ALL do. Today at Final Girl I'd like to give you a peek behind the magical, pixelated curtain of The Internet in a game I like to call These Are Some Google Search Terms People Have Typed In And Subsequently Found Their Way To Final Girl. Yes, I'm aware that it's an awfully awkward title and I promise I'm working on that.

Given that this is a horror-themed blog, you'd think that people would find me after typing in something like "Laurie Strode" or "My Bloody Valentine", and yes, occasionally that happens. More often than not, though, people type in some weird-ass shit and somehow end up here at the pristine, sweet, sugar and spice and everything nice Final Girl. Here's a big fat crop of my favorites, exactly as they were entered into Google:

scary things (a guy takes his coat and leaves and something pops up)

-My, that would be scary! It's even scarier if you type it like this: "something" pops up.

naaaaaked women

-Yes, with 5 letter As. When you say that out loud, you have to rub your hands together menacingly at the same time.

the girl was restrained and forced fat on her

-I'm...confused. Did a fat person sit on the restrained girl, or did they make her eat fat, or...did they, like, put fat on her head...?

mom hiding spot for a dildo

-NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO times 5874896362148533545632563226.

If I misunderstood your intent and you're considering using your mom as a hiding spot for a dildo, add 23 to the above number.

how to frig a girl

-If you're calling it "frig", chances are you'll never have the opportunity to use any info you might learn.

gimme that big ass girl

-Is this a rap song?

waylon flowers and madame

-I'm so fucking proud of that one.

George Clooney tighty whiteys

-This one has Harlequin reader written all over it.

fannys big holes

-This one is interesting because the meaning changes drastically depending on the punctuation. Consider: "fannys; big holes" vs "fanny's big holes"

does Holly Slattery smell of poo poo?

-I'd think you wouldn't have to ask.

Courtney Thorne-Smith flogging movies

-This is the high water mark of my blogging career. I'm sorry, but if someone types in "Courtney Thorne-Smith flogging movies" and the results have anything to do with me, I feel my work on this planet is complete.

I'm not kidding.

shirley maclaine masturbates

-JESUS FUCKING LOUISEUS. Yes, I'm sure she does, has, or will and why the fuck do you want to know about it??

girls having six with animals

-Phew! Almost thought they meant something else.

As far as I'm concerned, girls can have six with animals all they want. Having four or five is another matter entirely, however.

There you go, a wonderful look at the human psyche. What surprises me almost more than any of those search terms is the fact that there are still many many many people searching for Shannon Tweed info every single day. Of course, I realize that the world don't move to the beat of just one drum.

Now then...how did YOU find me? Really, I'd like to know, especially from people who found Final Girl and keep coming back. The Internet is such massive monstrosity, it still blows me away that anyone's found me at all. So what's your story? And all you lurkers, de-lurk for a moment and chime in, I won't bite.

I save all my flogging for Courtney Thorne-Smith, anyway.