After demanding that you all watch 2000's Bloody Murder if you want to be considered a cool kid, well...you're all still talking to me right? I mean, I'm not Miss Cleo. I'd been warned, sure...there was the whole so-called "two" "star" rating from Netflix. I know, I know...I gave Netflix the so-called "two" "middle" "fingers" and just had to see for myself, and I dragged you all with me. It was brutal, but don't you all kinda feel like...I don't know, like we did a tour of duty together or something?
Alright, yes, onto Bloody Murder. This movie had such a convoluted fucking plot, I found myself going "Huh?" and "But wha--" and "Why'd the--" and "That doesn't make--" and "Where are my pants?" over and over again throughout it. Supposedly, the plot goes something like this:Some counselors head to Camp Placid Pines to get things ready for the summer session. Some dude named Trevor Moorehouse lives in the woods surrounding the camp and kills people.
If the plot had been that simple, we could all throw rotting fruit at it and yell "You piece of shit Friday the 13th ripoff! Get outta here before we tar-n-feather ya!". The thing is, however, you can't even call this movie a Friday rip-off because that's really not the plot of the movie at all, is it? There's a hockey mask and a summer camp, and that's about as close as it gets. I don't even know if Trevor Moorhouse shows up in this fucking movie, honestly. Everyone keeps mentioning his name and saying things like "Look out for Trevor Moorhouse!", but we never find out what the big deal is about this dude. There's no legend! There's no proof he exists or existed! No one has died until now! Except for that one counselor a long time ago, but wasn't he killed by other counselors or something while playing hide and seek? Oh, excuse me, while playing "bloody murder"? I have no idea! See what I mean? This movie made me feel like I'm living in a cuckoo clock.
And while I'm on the subject of this so-called "Trevor" "Moorehouse"...what's the deal? The only thing we really heard about him was that he lived in the woods and had a chainsaw instead of a left hand. Well, anytime someone was wielding a chainsaw, he was clearly using both hands. Even the dude on the movie box is using both hands! I'm just so, so confused. Some other things that confused me:
--the car that ran out of gas at the film's beginning. The car was empty despite the fact that he "filled it up 20 miles ago"? Does the car only hold a half a gallon of gas, or does it only get 7 feet to the gallon?
--what the fuck was with the brown stain on the seat of the killer's pants throught the proceedings?
Bloody Murder was far too non-sensical for it to cross over the line into the wonderful world of the good/bad movie; no, my friends, this movie is firmly entrenched in the realm of bad/bad. I must say, though, after sitting through it and ruminating upon it, I could really only think of 5 things that were really wrong with it:
1. The plot
2. The dialogue
3. The acting
4. The directing
5. The fact that it was a horror movie, yet it was never, ever even a little bit scary.
Otherwise, I think it was fanmotherfuckingtastic, don't you agree?
One of the characters in this movie waxed philosophical whilst smoking one of her so-called "Guam" "Cigarettes", saying "Misery comes in lots of different forms". My, how right she was! I'd say with confidence that one form of misery is having to sit through Bloody Murder. You know what they say about misery loving company, though...and even though we suffered together, I'm glad you guys were with me. Let's get matching tattoos! Semper fi!
If you joined in the fun, be sure to say what you've gotta say...and if you wrote about Bloody Murder on your own website, don't forget to post a link in the comments!
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