Ridiculous Faces of Death 4

I can think of nary more horrific than getting each of one's limbs caught in a bear trap. Coupled with a throat slashing, it seems like an extremely painful way to die. The face pulled by Rick (Taylor Lacher) when he's caught in that very same predicament in Devil Times Five, however, makes it seem...well, not so bad.

You know, on second thought, maybe what Rick's doing here is for the benefit of humanity. He's reminding us that despite all the misery we inflict upon each other, despite the cruelty of the world, we can always find room for a smile. Cross your eyes and loll your tongue at the pain of life, baby, and you'll be fine. See, he's given us a little something called...hope.

Thank you, Rick, wherever you are. Thank you.

Ridiculous Faces of Death 3

It's been a while since the face pulled by a horror movie actor made me go "Wow. That's...ridiculous!" and chortle.

Long before he squared off against those rascally Duke boys as Boss Hogg, Sorrell Booke had to square off against a murderous Leif Garrett in Devil Times Five. After Booke's Harvey Beckman beats his juvenile opponent at chess, he's treated to a hatchet in the back; the audience, however, is treated to this:

Not to be to...puerile here, but this looks as if Beckman has encountered a case of bad burritos rather than, you know, a sharp object in his back.

Even Rosco P. Coltrane would be ashamed!

Children Hate You Week: Day 5

Here we are, darling readers, at the end of the very first Children Hate You! Week- the first, but I assure you, not the last. Despite hours and hours of self analysis*, I have no clue as to why I enjoy Children Hate You! movies so very much- yes, I love them even more than I love Animals Run Amok! movies. Perhaps I love them for the same reasons I love Killer Doll! movies- they're both terrifying and hysterical in their inappropriateness. No matter how truly awful a killer kiddie flick is, they're still a bit depraved and just plain wrong...yet...they're funny. In a word, I find them delicious.

What a delight, then, that the final film of the week, Bloody Birthday (1981), is magically fucking delicious.

Three children- Debbie (Elizabeth Hoy), Curtis (Billy Jacoby), and Steven (Andy Freeman)-are born simultaneously during a solar eclipse. Because both the moon and the sun are blocking Saturn during their birth, the kids are born without what Jennifer Aniston would call a "sensitivity chip". Apparently Saturn is the house of feeling and emotion, and without Saturn in their star charts, well, the kids are naught but ticking time bombs. If only Micki Dahne had been present at the births, perhaps she could have foretold of the doom and disaster! Sadly, she wasn't- and so the people of quaint l'il Meadowvale, California are in for a nasty surprise.

The surprise comes along ten years later. A young couple is quietly necking in a cemetery late one balmy evening. When they're ready to move on to...uh, Advanced Necking Theory, they decide to get some privacy. Rather than heading to a bedroom or backseat, however, the couple jumps into an open grave to get away from prying eyes. Omigod, I know...isn't that hot? Faster than you can say "God made dirt and dirt don't hurt, but that doesn't mean I want it in my hair", someone's whacking The Boy in the face with a shovel- and oh, what a whack! Were I but technologically advanced enough to upload sound clips of the WHUMP!s for you- you'd be delighted. Meanwhile, The Girl ends up strangled to death by a jump rope, and therefore it seems safe to assume that a senior citizen is not the homicidal culprit.

It turns out that Debbie's father (Bert Kramer) is the sheriff, and he's no dummy. There was a piece of evidence left at the scene of the graveyard murders- a jump rope handle. The sheriff heads right to Meadowvale Elementary and begins asking the students if they know what "murder" means. Steven quips to Curtis, "What does he think we are, babies?" and the sheriff leaves without any answers.

Before they head out the door as well, our darling trio asks their bitchy teacher Miss Davis (Susan Strasberg) if the class can be excused from homework the next Monday- it's the day of their big birthday party, after all. Miss Davis refuses, replying "Just because you all have the same birthday doesn't mean you're special!". Oh, Miss Davis, methinks that was a no-no.

The scene shifts to Debbie's house, where the kids have set up a trap for that nosy ol' sheriff- the old skateboard-on-the-stairs trick! When the sheriff easily avoids stepping on the skateboard, however, Steven simply beats Debbie's father to death with a baseball bat. Debbie just smirks- what an angel! When they think they've been spotted by a classmate, Timmy Russel (KC Martel), the murderous Eclipse Babies make like the sheriff just...fell down the stairs. That's good enough for the medical examiner and the death is chalked up to a terrible accident.

As if being complicit in the murder of her father wasn't enough to prove that Debbie has no family values, we soon learn that she's also drilled a hole in her closet wall, creating a nice little peephole into her sister Beverly's room. Beverly (Julie Brown) seems to enjoy stripping and dancing around her bedroom topless; entrepreneurial Debbie sells tickets, charging neighborhood boys a quarter a peep. Hey, it beats having a paper route.

As I mentioned earlier, the kids thought Timmy caught sight of their nefarious doings- seems there's another loose end to tie up! It's no problem for our little sociopaths, however. They lure Timmy to the junkyard for a game of hide-and-seek, Curtis locks Timmy in an old refrigerator, and they leave him to die. Timmy gets his MacGuyver on, though, and manages to escape. He proceeds to beat the crap out of Curtis. Oh, Timmy, methinks that was a no-no.

Speaking of no-nos, what of that uptight Miss Davis? While the Eclipse Babies may be lacking feelings and emotions, they're certainly not lacking the party spirit like their teacher. She ends up shot in the back- Curtis has pilfered the late sheriff's service revolver, and he ain't afraid to use it.

Meadowvale has become overrun with murders and Timmy's older sister Joyce (Lori Lethin) has begun putting the pieces together. Though she's not entirely sure yet as to what exactly is going on, Joyce knows enough to know that the Eclipse Babies, particulary Curtis, are a little...hinky. Sigh. Now the Eclipse Babies have to take care of yet another busybody, and so it's off to the junkyard again where they attempt to run Joyce over with a juryrigged car. Those Russels are hard to get rid of, however, and Joyce survives.

Meanwhile, Beverly has found Debbie's scrapbook. Like any good young serial killer, Debbie has been clipping newspaper articles about the Eclipse Babies' murder victims. For some reason, Beverly finds this odd and tells on Debbie. The scrapbook ends up in the fireplace...oh, Beverly, methinks that was a no-no. Before you can say "Peephole bring pleasure, peephole bring pain!", Debbie shoots an arrow through the hole in the wall right smack into Beverly's eye. Debbie calls her accomplices, and the kids dump the body by the curbside trash. Wow, that's cold!

Having lost both her husband and a daughter in a matter of days, Debbie's mom takes off for a little therapy; Joyce is asked to babysit and she brings along Timmy. Determined to take care of the Russel siblings once and for all, the Eclipse Babies wage an all-out assault on Joyce and Timmy. The outcome? Well, let's just say that Bloody Birthday is primed for a sequel...and Debbie possesses a remarkable sense of self-preservation.



Bloody Birthday rocked, y'all! Undoubtedly, it's one of the best movies I've seen in this little subgenre- that's not to say, necessarily, that it's a good movie. Your enjoyment of it, I think, will directly correlate to how much you like Children Hate You! movies. As it is, Bloody Birthday doesn't have much of a plot- it sort of meanders over the course of a few days, and there never seems to be a point to any of it beyond showcasing the depraved acts of these cold-blooded kiddies. You'd think the big birthday party would be the climax of the film, but that's not the case- it comes and goes with nary a crime! It's all fine by me because this flick is nothing if not fun; some of you may find the lack of real happenings disappointing. In other words, some of you might be jerks.

While this movie is full of murderous mayhem, there's a noticeable lack of gore. With the exception of that of poor Beverly, the deaths are brutal yet surprisingly sanitary- that's not, in my opinion, a strike against it. And believe me, what the film lacks in blood it more than makes up for in bare boobs. Early 80s horror at its finest!

The performances throughout are above average for this type of flick, particularly those of Billy Jacoby and Elizabeth Hoy as Curtis and Debbie. They're a couple of cold-hearted snakes, lemme tell you- look into their eyes! Curtis smirks his way through a killing spree while Debbie plays up the innocent little girl act. They're a riot, and I'd love to see them all grown up in Bloody Birthday 2. Someone make the movie right now! The rest of the cast is strong as well, including the pre-Earth Girls Are Easy Julie Brown, a mop-headed Michael Dudikoff, "Jake to William Conrad's Fatman" Joe Penny , and a slumming Jose Ferrer in a brief cameo.

What a great way to end the week; I give it 8 out of 10 Children Who Hate You and the Women Who Love Thems.



*playing videogames

Children Hate You Week: Day 4

Checking out the imdb page for today's feature, Devil Times Five (1974), I found that it's got a couple of alternate titles: People Toys and The Horrible House on the Hill. It's certainly not unusual for a film to have multiple titles; I was shocked, however, that this movie is not also known as The Most Boring Movie in the History of Ever Times Ten Million.

A van full of mental patient kiddies crashes on its way up a snowy mountain. The children (one who dresses up like a nun, one who dresses up like a soldier, one who likes fire, one who...is just kinda there, and Leif Garrett) trudge through the snow and eventually come to a chalet where three couples are having a weekend getaway.

Mayhem ensues.

Actually, that's not true. Now is not the time for mayhem! Instead, let's watch the three couples bicker- isn't that exciting? No? Well, maybe you'll think it's exciting when I tell you that one of the wives is played by Shelley Morrison- Rosario of television's Will and Grace!

What? That's still not exciting? OK...then let's watch another one of the wives awkwardly try to seduce the chalet's "simple" handyman, Ralph (movie co-writer John Durren) ! Now that's exciting, lemme tell ya. Thrill! as Lovely (yes , her name is Lovely, and she's played by Leif Garrett's mom Carolyn Stellar) frightens both Ralph and the audience as she barks: "Ralph, put away my clothes! Brush my hair! Rub my feet! Pick me up! Put me down! Have you ever...had a woman, Ralph?"- to which Ralph replies, "I had a mother and two sisters. They got squished on a bus."

Fine, fine. I know what you horror fans want- on-screen kiddie violence! A pint-sized Leif Garrett wreaking havoc! That's what I wanted, anyway. Sadly, this doesn't occur for...oh, about another hour. There's one death to tide you over in the interim, however- the kids bludgeon their doctor in a scene that's shown in the slowest slow motion ever. Really. It was so slow I started to think there was something wrong with my brain. It was so dark I couldn't tell what was going on. It was so long I began to hope that someone would come along and bludgeon me. The scene was five minutes long- yes, I timed it. From the first whack to the last, it took five minutes. In the slowest slow motion ever. In that time I experienced an entire rainbow of feelings: I was bored, angry, joyful, sad, repentant, and delirious.

Lest you think I'm exaggerating, I want you to take a little test. Look at a clock and note the time. You could stare at the clock for five whole minutes, or, in that time, you could finish reading this review and leave a comment. You could make a grilled cheese sandwich- maybe even take a bite. You could listen to 4 songs by Bikini Kill...and so on. FIVE FUCKING MINUTES is a VERY LONG FUCKING TIME. Sorry , but I need to stress that.

After The Longest Kill Scene Evarrrrr, the children stay with the adults in the chalet, playing up their roles as innocent victims of a terrible van accident.

Mayhem ensues!

Wait, still not yet. First we must have long, drawn-out scenes wherein people eat dinner, play chess, do the dishes, drink wine, work out, go sledding...and on and on. Then Rosario enjoys a banana.

FINALLY, in the last 20 minutes or so, the action picks up. The kids really go to town on the adults and we get death by axe, death by fire, death by spear, death by pirahna (yes, you read that correctly), death by bear traps and throat slashing, and death by...a swing with a pointy stick attached.

Where, oh where had you been for the last 70 minutes, sociopathic violent kiddie action? Where? Had you been present throughout the proceedings, I may feel differently about you. Had you not shown me new depths of boredom- depths I sincerely hope I never visit again- I might even like you. But as it stands, I can only give you 4 out of 10 the two best things about this movie are the following: 1) the graphics of the title placard, and 2) when Leif Garrett falls from a ladder and exclaims "My face! Look what you've done to my beautiful face!"s.

Children Hate You Week: Day 3

Stupid lying DVD box! You had me thinking that the titular boy of Cameron's Closet (1989) was going to wreak some psychic-ass havoc, tying in perfectly with my theme this week...but noooooo. Cameron has to be all cute and sweet and needs to be saved and shit. Cameron doesn't hate anyone! What gives, dammit? I mean, I know enough not to believe the copy when it tells me I'll be in for "the scare of a lifetime!" or whatever, and I certainly don't pay attention to the quotes from some critic at a TV station you've never heard of promising a "white knuckle rollercoaster ride of thrills you'll never forget!", but I do read the boxes for wee plot synopses so I know what I'm going to watch- especially for a theme week. Who wants to hear about a Children Hate You movie wherein the Child Does Not Hate? Bah!

Well, maybe it's my fault. Maybe I picked up the box, saw it was about a telekinetic child, and figured he must be evil. Then I got stars in my eyes over the names listed on the box: it's directed by Armand Mastroianni, he who directed He Knows You're Alone! It stars Leigh McCloskey of Dallas and Kim Lankford of Knot's Landing! It's almost too perfect! Sigh. You know, some day my love of nighttime soaps of yesteryear is going to really get me trouble.

OK, I can't imagine a scenario where a love of nighttime soaps of yesteryear would get anyone into trouble whatsoever, nevermind "really" getting someone in trouble, but it's delicious to contemplate.

I digress.

Cameron (Scott Curtis) is like any other average kid: his parents are divorced, he plays with action figures in his closet, he has a bowl haircut, and he's been subjected to odd psychic experiments at the hands of his dad (Tab Hunter) and his dad's research partner, Ben (Chuck McCann). It seems Cameron has some powerful telekinetic abilities, enough that his dad seems a bit...dare I say...afraid of him. And what are those weird noises emanating from the closet? We dont exactly know yet- but dad ends up meeting the business end of a floating machete. Maybe Cameron is evil after all- hooray!

With dad dispatched, Cameron goes to live with mom Dory (Kim Lankford) and her actor-cum-Cadillac owner boyfriend Bob. Mom's a chain-smoking, booze-swilling broad who loves to get down!

Though she's essentially well-meaning, Dory is also oblivious to Bob's all-too-familiar "sleazy stepdad" routine. He's still just her boyfriend, but Bob makes it clear to Cameron that he intends to marry Dory, and Cameron better watch out! Boy, the way Cameron is all quiet and unassuming, no wonder Bob needs to bully him and let him know who's boss! Once he gets too close to Cameron's closet, however, it's Bob who finds out who's the boss here...it's not Tony Danza, it's not Judith Light, and it's certainly not Bob. It's...

...a big rubber monster who lives in the closet. Bob gets his eyes burned out and defenestrated in a spectacular fashion, landing atop his beloved Caddy in a bit of poetic justice.

Meanwhile, detective Sergeant Sam Taliaferro (Cotter Smith) has been having terrible recurring nightmares that are seriously becoming increasingly detrimental to his job performance. Reluctantly, he goes to see police shrink Nora Haley (Mel Harris of television's thirtysomething) to sort out his problems. As luck would have it, they're both assigned to The Mysterious Case of the Death of Bob!

As our fearless duo slowly pieces together the mystery of Cameron's Closet, there's more monster-related shenanigans and deaths, including that of Sam's partner Pete (Leigh McCloskey). This made me sad- I wanted more Leigh McCloskey! He was on Dallas, dammit! But no, the heavens are against me. Leigh McCloskey is not the lead detective in the movie, and Leigh McCloskey is dead. Fie thee, Cameron's Closet...fie thee.

So what does our fearless duo discover? It turns out that Cameron's psychic abilities brought a demon over from Demonland. Said demon is living in the closet, gathering strength until the day when he can overcome Cameron's powers and take over the world! Mua ha ha, indeed.

Thankfully, however, Cameron gets his Emperor Palpatine on and has a "spectacular" showdown with the demon in pure 80's Spencer's Gifts fashion.

OK, so Cameron's Closet doesn't fit in with my criteria for Children Hate You Week at all. Cameron doesn't use his magical mind powers for nefarious purposes, much to my chagrin- he's a victim! He's a hero! Bah! Who needs it?

That said, I liked the movie well enough. It's got the plot from an episode of Tales from the Darkside or Buffy, the Vampire Slayer. Inadvertently resurrected demons? Psychic powers? yeah, that's Buffy all right. All that's missing are the cute people and the zingy one-liners.

The deaths are surprisingly bloody and there's many a gooey, reanimated corpse to be found here. The biggest problem is that damn demon- I mean, take a look at that picture up there. Once your evil monster is revealed and it's obviously made of rubber (not to mention that it resembles a phallus with sharp teeth and light-up eyes), well, your movie's only going to be so successful, you know? Again, I didn't think the movie was bad, despite the rubber monster and the Spencer Gifts finale. It's one of those B-Movies that's prime rainy-Sunday-afternoon viewing. I give it 5.75 out of 10 less moppet, more murder, pleases.

Children Hate You Week: Day 2

It's been years since I've seen Children of the Corn (1984) and I honestly don't remember much about it beyond this:

-Linda Hamilton! Peter Horton!
-I hate Malachai! He's eeeeevil!
-Wow, this movie is kinda cool...no, wait. Like many Stephen King books/movies, it starts out cool and scary and then...there's a big monster at the end that's not cool or scary. Dammit! (Yeah, It, I'm looking at you...evil clown who lives in the sewer and kills children? Mind-bogglingly terrifying. Giant spider that can be killed by a slingshot and some hope? Mind-bogglingly terrifying...in 1951.)

There must be some mega-CotC-fans out there, however, because there's an entire series of CotC films- seven freakin' movies! That's on par with Michael, Jason, and Freddy...who knew? This being Children Hate You Week, I felt obliged to watch at least one flick from the series. As I'd only seen the first one, I decided it didn't matter which one I'd take in for stunt week...they're all likely to be stinkers, right? So I chose the one with Naomi Watts, Children of the Corn IV: The Cornening Gathering (1996), figuring that even if the movie was a total waste of time, at least there'd be some pre-Ring, pre-Mulholland Drive Naomi Watts action. With my expectations grounded decidedly at zero, I watched the movie...and lo, something magical happened.

The movie was...kinda...good.

It's a Christmas miracle, a couple of weeks late! Let's hold hands.

Naomi Watts is Grace, a medical student who's taking some time off from school to care for her immediate family. Upon coming home to Corn County, Nebraska, Grace finds that her mother June (Karen Black at her frizzy best) is about to go off the deep end- her agoraphobia is becoming increasingly crippling and she's plagued by nightmares that feature weird children trying to kill her.

Now that Grace is saddled with caring for a cuckoo nutso mother as well as her two younger siblings, she's in need of some dough. Our Grace is nothing if not plucky, however, and she takes a job helping out at the local doctor's office/clinic.

Faster than you can say "ebola", all the children in town are stricken with a mysterious flu; their temperatures flare up over 105 degrees and they begin to convulse with powerful seizures. Grace and Doc Larson (William Windom) scramble to find a cause and a cure for the mysterious illness, but faster than you can say...uh, "ebola" again, the children are fine. Their temperatures return to normal and all is well in Corn County.

OK, so all is NOT well. A shadowy figure has crawled out of a well and is wreaking havoc in Corn County: not only is he killing people with farm implements, he seems to wield some sort of mind-control on the children. Soon enough, they're killing people with farm implements as well!

This is where CotC IV really surprised me. The movie is rated R and with good reason- the blood flows liberally and the camera doesn't shy away from the gore. There's nothing too over-the-top, but I did let out an "EWW!" or two during the proceedings. Lemme tell ya, in the battle of farm implements vs. body parts, I'd put my dollars on the farm implements.

Just who is this mysterious figure from the well, and why are all the town's children suddenly gathering in the cornfield (Oh my god..."gathering in the cornfield"! I so bet that's where they got the title for this movie!) at his behest? Grace gets her Nancy Drew on and visits Ye Olde Towne Crones, who willingly fill her in on the story of Josiah, The Amazing Boy Preacher and all the dark secrets of Corn County. Will Grace put an end to Josiah's evil ways and save Corn County, Nebraska...and the world? I'll never tell!

It's true, movies like Children of the Corn IV: The Gathering are what keep me going. Against all odds, a random direct-to-video horror flick- fourth in a mediocre-at-best series, even- comes out of nowhere with an intriguing, original story that's spooky, serious, and makes sense. It's got decent acting (I mean, Naomi Watts and Karen Black, y'all!), cringe-worthy effects (I mean the good kind of cringe-worthy- you know, the kind that makes you hide your face), and children who really do hate you. Movies like this restore my faith...hey, there are good horror movies out there waiting to be seen! Sometimes zero expectations are the best expectations. I give it 7 out of 10 "I can't believe I ate the whole thing!"s.

Children Hate You Week: Day 1

There's not much the crew here at Final Girl (the crew consisting of...me) loves more than an event week. I've had a few event weeks in the past, but I've anticipated none more than what begins today. Ladies and gents, I give you:

CHILDREN HATE YOU WEEK!

Sure, sure, I can hear you now..."Stacie, I believe the children are our future. We must teach them well and let them lead the way!"...to which I answer "Pfft!" If there's one thing I've learned from the movies, it's that children hate you and if given half a chance, they'll kill you mercilessly in their quest for world domination. In a bid to win their favor prior to the uprising, let's take this week and celebrate the murderous moppets, shall we? Bring on the killer kiddies, I say, for it's Children Hate You Week!

Careful there, Charles Nelson Reilly, or you'll be the first on their list.

After three movies featuring Damien Thorn as the Antichrist, 20th Century Fox decided to go all equal opportunity and feature a female spawn of Satan in The Omen IV: The Awakening, aka The Omen IV: The Omening, aka The Omen IV: Attack of the She-Omen!

This made-for-TV flick is essentially a complete re-telling of the original Omen story...with a She-Omen. Faye Grant and Michael Woods star as Karen and Gene York, an up-and-coming political power couple who can't seem to conceive a baby. They adopt young Delia from a nunnery and then...things start to happen. Sort of, anyway. Sure, we're in TV-land here, so I understand that the action needs to be...shall we say...tame, but Delia is supposed to be the friggin' Antichrist! Shouldn't that mean she does a bit more than bite dolls, scare horses, and induce heart attacks in priests?

Yeah, I said "bite dolls". I know it's supposed to be scary, but...well...

The Yorks hire a nanny, Jo (Ann Hearn), to look after Delia, who's becoming more and more troublesome, what with all the glaring and all the...all the...OK, she doesn't do much more than glare. But she sure is troublesome!

It seems Jo is one of those "New Age" types- she's got a crystal around her neck, she talks about auras, and she probably smells like some combination of patchouli and cat pee. Jo knows something is up when her crystals all turn black- There's Something About Delia, all right. Jo takes Delia to a Psychic Fair, to which Delia protests vehemently. Call me Antichrist Jr, but I don't blame her one bit. Who wants to walk around looking at macrame dreamcatchers and shit sold by stinky New Age hippies? Not me. Delia does the only sensible thing- she sets the Psychic Fair on fire. I think. It's hard to tell; one minute Delia and Jo are walking around and all the psychics act afraid. The next minute, the fair is on fire. Whether it was Delia's doings or not, I must applaud the effort.

Eventually Delia gets tired of Jo's shit and, in finest Omen fashion, we're treated to The Plummeting Nanny. Wheeee!

Where are the girl's parents during all this, you ask? Well, Gene is clueless about Delia's "misbehavior" and is rising fast in the political world. And Karen...is...pregnant! How can this be? I tells ya, it gets a bit confusing. There's fetuses within fetuses like so many Satanic Russian Nesting Dolls for starters. Nevermind all that, though. Karen is sure that Delia has nefarious motives and so she decides to figure things out, to stop Delia from whatever it is she is going to do, to have her baby, and to save the world. Can Karen do it? Uh, excuse me, we're talking about Faye Grant here. You know, freedom fighter Dr. Julie Parrish from V? Yeah, that's right. I think she has a little experience saving the world from beings who are not what they seem.

Don't you think Faye Grant and Marc Singer should be in everything? I do. But I digress.

Omen IV, I liked you so much more when you were The Omen. I give it 4 out of 10 seen one Antichrists, you've seen 'em alls.