I'm dreaming of a...

Here I am, rock you like a hurricane. I've freshly returned from Dark Xmas, the little horror con in Warren, OH, and oh, the sights I have seen.

Firstly, let me just state upfront that I have got to be the biggest tool on the entire planet. Shocking, yes, but true. "But Stacie, " you say, "This is not possible. You DEFINE cool and cutting edge, what with your 'Charles Nelson Reilly' this and your 'I love Halloween III' that. What is this "tool" of which you speak? You must mean 'tool of wicked awesome'!" Alas, I just mean "tool". You see, the reason I left Final Girl waiting out in the cold all last week is because I was working on a mini-comic to sell at the con. I finished it Friday night- all the stapling and whatnot, and I felt so...so... indy! I was ready to rock the socks off the people of Warren, Ohio...I was imagining myself standing atop the table, books in hand, people at my feet, their dollar bills thrust high in the air- like I was a stripper on the floor of the New York Stock Exchange or something. Pure. Mini-comic. Magic.

I left my house early on Saturday, so psyched and ready, man- ready! The three-hour drive went by like it was three minutes. I pulled into the parking lot of the host hotel, and thought to myself- "OK, iPod goes in suitcase in trunk. Here's my wallet...now where'd I put the boooooooo----------------".

Instant panic. My cheeks caught fire as I remembered that I hadn't put the books anywhere. They were still sitting in a bag on my living room floor.

So this meant that all my hard work would go unworshipped by the people of Warren...and also that I was going to be sitting at a table with my pal Dirk Manning with nothing to do for two days. See? TOOL! Like Dirk pointed out, I'll just have plenty of copies of They Won't Stay Dead! for the upcoming Mid-Ohio-Con. Small consolation, but consolation nonetheless. I guess.

But enough of this sad, sad story! Onto Dark Xmas! What wonders did the Comfort Inn hold this weekend? Well...umm...hmm. These shows never really turn out the way you expect them to, now do they? It was a nice little show and all, don't get me wrong, but it was not a buyer's convention. I was actually pretty pissed when I realized how little there was to buy. I fully expected to come home with some new flicks to review, but it was not to be. I did, however, pick up a most righteous autographed picture of Christopher Lee as Dracula. I don't normally buy autographed photos, or even care about them, but it's Christopher Lee. As Dracula. And it was cheap.

The tables at the con were manned mostly by basement horror movie directors selling their wares. No offense to anyone, as I'm a basement director myself, but come on. The fact that I have iMovie and a video camera doesn't make me a fucking auteur who should be selling my videos for $20. If you're at my house, I'm gonna make you watch 'em, but I wouldn't try to make you buy them. Unless you were drunk.

Tom Savini was in attendance, but he seemed really cranky every time I walked by and I totally wimped out. He was the only person I wanted to meet, but I knew I'd just get up to his table and say something stupid and make him even more cranky. He may just have been bored- like I said, the show was a little...quiet. By "quiet", I mean "a little better than completely dead".

Now, onto the highlight reel:

*There was Sid Haig of House of 1000 Corpses wearing a bib that read "Born to Suck Titty".

*The promo model dancing atop her table, with or without spectators, to Def Leppard's "Pour Some Sugar on Me" at various times over the weekend. Whenever she started the music, this guy in a wheelchair made a beeline for the front row, right up against her table. Like the sign behind the table said- Promo Models Rule!!

*The female stormtrooper slyly attempting to adjust her codpiece.

*Harvey Pekar's nerd friend Toby was there on Saturday, and he really, really is a nerd. Really.

*The dude walking around who had a bottle of beer and a cigarette...he had nowhere to put the cigarette out, so he held his bottle between his teeth and rubbed the cigarette out on his palm. I hope to be that tough and badass someday.

*Can you see what kind of a weekend I had?

Saturday night Dirk decided to go hobnob with the drunken masses after the con, whereas I was happy simply to go back to the hotel- drunken masses just aren't really my thing (nor Dirk's, to be fair, but he wanted to pimp Nightmare World. Of course, he ended up falling asleep in his car, but that's another story.). Imagine my glee when I tuned in to the very beginning of the roaches-gone-crazy flick They Crawl and these words appeared on the screen:

with

Tone Loc

and

Mickey Rourke

Clearly, I made the right choice by staying behind. But oh, 'lil Stacie sure was tired, the bed sure was comfy, and the movie sure was awful. The last thing I remember before falling asleep was a shot of computer-animated cockroaches crawling out of a big pile of white rice or something. I remember thinking "Shouldn't the rice move?" because the roaches were just kind of...appearing on top of the pile. Then it was off to Slumberland. I never even got to see Tone Loc.

Warren has its fair share of "Oriental Sauna Health Spa"s, bars, and churches. What I liked about the churches was that they each put a snappy little saying on their signs outside...like "Every day is a gift from God...that's why it's the present" and "Poverty of purpose is worse than poverty of purse". What I liked about the Oriental Sauna Health Spas was the term "health spa".

There you have it. I don't mean to really paint the show in a bad light- it was certainly amusing. We met some really cool people, and I had a blast hanging out with Dirk. I was definitely let down by the lack of crap to buy, but maybe that's just me. Apparently next year's Dark Xmas will feature Elvira and Linda Blair as guests- that oughta liven things up a bit. And I really, really hope to remember my fucking books next time. Tool.

Promo models rule!!

Fast and Cheap

Well, all my little babies...I've got a deadline this week so my bloggin' be light.

Perhaps you'll forgive me if I tell you that I need to get stuff done for my upcoming appearance here. That's right, folks, I'll be frontin' and maxin' at Dark Xmas in Warren, OH this weekend, bustin' some moves with my pal Aaron Weisbrod (he of the critically acclaimed Nightmare World comics)...there's gonna be lots of other great guests, too, so if you're in the area, stop by and see us. I promise not to drop any lame-ass hip-hop lingo. I've never done a horror con before, so it's all terribly exciting and I'm simply all a-twitter. Squeee!

In other news, gettin' the remake treatment is one of my favorite horror movies, George Romero's Day of the Dead. My head almost caught on fire upon hearing the news, but perhaps all is not lost. It's going to be directed by Steve Miner, the man at the helm of Friday the 13th Part 2 and Halloween H2O. His words in this article at fangoria.com gave me some hope:

"I’m sworn to secrecy on specifics, but this won’t just be a rehash of an old film,” he continues. “I’m a huge fan of George Romero and I wouldn’t insult his work by just copying his movie with a WB-friendly cast. But I can tell you this: There will be a military facility with soldiers, scientists and civilians, there will be a Bub and yes, there will be blood—lots of it. Like the original, this DAY will be rated R.".

Ahhhh. This old cynic's heart fills with joy at the prospect. This old cynic's mind thinks perhaps Mr. Miner will bring something fresh to the remake, to make it worthwhile. This old cynic's fervent wish is for Mr. Miner to coax Amy Steel into appearing in another one of his films. Like this old cynic's old cynical grandmother says, however, you can "wish in one hand and shit in the other".

Tune in tomorrow for more exciting adventures of This Old Cynic.

It's Her Party, and She'll Kill You If She Wants To

Oh, Night of the Demons. You sure are a pretty terrible movie, and I tried so very hard to hate you, but I just couldn't. I don't know what kind of spell you cast over me, and I'll be embarrassed when people find out about us...but I can no longer hide our love.

Wha? Oh, uh...yeah...hi there! So...Night of the Demons, the 1988 flick directed by Kevin Tenney, starring everyone's favorite B-movie scream-n-show-yer- boobs queen, Linnea Quigley. Uh huh. You caught me, reader...I saw it for the first time last night, and I liked it. Lawd help me, I liked it!

10 obnoxious teens- well, 9 teens and Ms. Quigley, who's actually quite a bit older than the rest-gather together in Hull House, a disused mortuary, for a Halloween party. During the party, Angela (Mimi Kinkade) decides they should all try to do a "past lives seance". Angela's the school weirdo, you see, and is thus tapped in to all things supernatural. Is she a witch? Maybe, but you should just think of her as a pre-goth Goth. Anyway, during the seance, everyone in the room must sit facing a mirror and stare at Angela's reflection, concentrating very hard. The mirror will turn black, and then everyone will see a vision of what Angela was in a past life. Well, everyone stares...the mirror turns black...there's a vision of a monster that looks like the offspring of a giant praying mantis and Fin Fang Foom...and the mirror breaks. That's never a good sign...but I am so trying this at my next slumber party! When the mirror breaks, a green cloud starts floating around, noises abound, and it gets really cold in the room. Is Hull House haunted? Not quite, explains Angela. The noise, the stink, and the chill can only mean one thing...Hull House is possessed. What's the difference, you ask? Did you even know a house could be possessed? Me either. But you see, in a haunted house, the spirits are simply those of dead people, wandering around. In a possessed house, the spirits have never been alive- they are demons! Still doesn't make much sense, right? No matter, because that's all the explanation you will get for anything in this movie.

Suzanne (Linnea Quigley), the all-pink clad boy crazy bimbo in the group, inadvertently sucks in some of the green smoke and gets all grody-looking and possessed. She's now a crazed demon, hell-bent on killing her friends. What's that? Was that Evil Dead I heard rolling in its grave? You betcha!Well, just about everyone ends up possessed, either by getting attacked or...kissed. Some live, some die, and there's a whole lotta chasin' going on.

So just what is it I liked about this movie? It's alot of fun, for starters. Tons of 80s cheesiness, and not a lick of sense. The characters are total stereotypes, we don't care about any of them, and the acting was so bad throughout that I often wondered if it was terrible on purpose. In fact, right from the animated title sequence- which I really dug- I wasn't sure just how firmly in cheek this movie had its tongue planted. The makeup effects are pretty stellar throughout, though, I have to admit. The demons are appropriately nasty looking, and once Linnea Quigley gets topless (shocking, I know), she does something with a tube of lipstick that really just needs to be seen to be believed. And you know, sometimes even the worst movie can sneak up and surprise you with an effective scene. There's a really creepy sequence with a possessed Angela, dressed in her black bridal gown, floating down a hallway toward the viewer that just knocked me out. Maybe I'm easy, but it was a great shot in a bad movie.I guess I'm not the only person who had a good time watching it- Night of the Demons has spawned 2 sequels. If you're looking for some completely brainless 80s fun (and I do mean brainless), look no further. And if you like it, I won't tell on you, I swear. I give it 6 and a half out of 10 prostehetic Linnea Quigley boobs.

Saturday Night's Alright For Pimpin'

For those of you out there who like a lil' scary comic book action, lemme guide you over to Silver Bullet Comic Books website, which has got a sweet preview of the upcoming Digital Webbing Presents #27.

The issue is chock full of all kinds of good stuff, including Zombie Highway, which has got some inks by yours truly. Writer/creator Jason Pell talks a bit about the story:

“’Zombie Highway, despite the name, has never been about zombies for me,” explains Pell. I'm much more interested in the people that live in that nutty world.”

“This installment features Mr. Maple, an undertaker before the zombies occupied the world. Little has changed in his mind, except perhaps the dead need a little more aggressive persuasion to stay in the ground. And if lives are lost, then that's just more business. Maple is not evil, but lives completely, uncompromisingly in the gray.”

Also included in the issue is Sack-'em-up Gentlemen, written by Kevin Melrose of Dark, But Shining fame. Sayeth Mr. Melrose:

In Great Britain of the early 19th century, medical schools had to compete for a limited number of executed criminals to dissect. As the number of medical students climbed, so did the demand for cadavers -- to the point that schools and individuals sometimes paid body snatchers to procure corpses. Occasionally, desperate students would even find their own cadavers.

“In the story, two students stake out a village cemetery, waiting for the right corpse, to further their education, of course. Unfortunately, they're not the only ones with a keen interest in the recently departed,” explains Melrose. “’Sack-'em-Up Gentleman’ combines 19th century history and elements of Cornish and Breton folklore, two of my geekish hobbies.”

The issue's also got zombie hunters and aliens...oh my! So check it out- and I'll be back tomorrow to talk about movies, I swear.

from Zombie Highway, pencils by Derek Laufman, inks by me, colors by Kieran Oats

Location, Location, Location

In keeping with the topic I re-introduced yesterday, I give you the next element of the slasher film: the setting.

Because the characters in these films are most often teenagers (so is the audience, predominately), the location is usually in accordance: the mall (The Initiation), college (The House on Sorority Row, Black Christmas), high school (Graduation Day) and of course...summer camp (Friday the 13th, The Burning, Sleepaway Camp). In fact, a majority of the Friday the 13th films feature one of the most well-known horror movie locations: Camp Crystal Lake.

While slashers can obviously take place anywhere, they are most often set somewhere remote or isolated. The less isolated the spot, the easier it is for people to get away- and that would ruin all the fun. Still, it's a take-it-on-faith situation for the audience, because in a majority of these films, the characters could get away if they really tried. In Halloween, when Laurie Strode's knocks go unanswered at one house, why didn't she keep trying? On occasion, the location itself does prevent escape: in Terror Train, for example, the teen revellers are on...a train. In April Fool's Day, everyone's trapped on an island. Despite the title, Friday the 13th VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan is set largely on a boat. It's only in the final act that finds Jason loose on the streets of New York City.

And what of this? What about slashers that take place largely in urban settings? Given the need for isolation as a plot device, the big city setting seems to go against logic. Films like F13 VIII, Night School, and Maniac work largely because they rely on the perceived indifference and anonymity afforded one in the city. The victim may be surrounded by thousands of people, but none of them will go out of their way to help. It's not that far-fetched...I remember the "Death Rides the 6!" headline on the front page of the New York Post. A man died in his seat on the subway, but everyone around assumed he was just sleeping so he rode the rails all day.

Just because a location may be familiar to the film characters, don't expect the intimate knowledge to always give them a leg up on the killer. Sometimes characters can use the setting to their advantage- think of Nancy's booby-trapped house in A Nightmare on Elm Street. But more often the killer will know all the shortcuts and ins-and-outs that the victims know, and he'll still get 'em! That's movie magic for ya!

These silly movies can even have an effect on perceptions of locations in the real world. Sure, Jaws had audiences freaked out about hitting the beach...Psycho changed the way people felt about the shower...but who hasn't almost immediately thought of "ki ki ki ma ma ma" when in the woods after seeing Friday the 13th?

Dust Off Your Notebooks, Part 1

Way back in July, when I was but a wee lass, I began a series of posts you could call Slashers 101, intended to be a little primer on what it takes to make a slasher a "slasher" and not...umm...something else.

Part One deals mainly with the killer. What makes Jason Voorhees a slasher maniac while the dude from Cobra- the guy who uses a knife, the guy who Cobra takes down!- is just a run-of-the-mill crazy guy? PS- I loves me some Cobra.

Part Two is about the weapons employed by said killers.

I got that far, and then I got crazy busy with other stuff and I disappeared into the ether for a while.But now seems like as good a time as any to pick it up again, eh? All right then...

Next up is the slasher hallmark that can either turn you on or turn your stomach: gore, or to use a more general term, special effects. Most folks tend to cite Herschell Gordon Lewis's Blood Feast(1963) as the flick that started the trend towards the disgusting in on-screen horror. The art of makeup and effects had advanced from the days of neck bolts on the monster in Frankenstein (1931) to the realistic portrayal of dismemberment in Lewis's extravagoreza (I just made that word up). The boundaries were beginning to be expanded to discover just how far one could go with movie violence- why stop at a simple spot of blood on the shirt when you can actually see the blade entering the chest?

For bringing explicit gore to the slasher film, the world has one man to thank- Tom Savini. While his effects work was already garnering attention (such as Dawn of the Dead in 1978), it was Savini's work in 1980's Friday the 13th that changed the face of the slasher. Just two years earlier, in Halloween, John Carpenter gave the industry one of the earliest slashers, and there's barely a drop of blood to be seen. But from the moment hitchhiker Annie's throat is cut to the decapitation of Mrs. Voorhees (and those clutching hands!), there's not much you don't see in Friday the 13th as the counselors of Camp Crystal Lake are slaughtered one by one. Again, it's the intimacy of the killing that's remarkable. At times, it's still difficult to figure out just how Savini works his magic- I'm thinking particularly of the scene that finds Kevin Bacon smoking a post-coital joint in bed. As he lies there, an arrow head comes up from under the bed through his throat- and damn if it doesn't still look 100% real to this day. There's no cutaway. There's no computer graphics. There's just amazing- if bloody- makeup effects.

Sure, there are other names in the special effects canon: Rick Baker (whose efforts in 1981's An American Werewolf in London garnered him the first Oscar awarded for Best Makeup), Stan Winston (Terminator, Wrong Turn), Rob Bottin (John Carpenter's The Thing)...all geniuses in their own right. The realm of the slasher, however, is ruled by Savini. There's too many memorable moments to list comprehensively, but when I think back to scenes like Jason's unmasked face sliding down the machete at the end of Friday the 13th Part 4, well, I can't help but wonder where Savini's Oscar is. Love the gore or hate it, you can't help but shake your head in wonder...or nausea.

There are certainly slasher films that are virtually, if not completely, gore-free, as I noted earlier with the mention of Halloween. For MY dollar, these can be the scariest, most effective examples of the genre. Subtlety can go a long, long way. Without a doubt, however, on-screen blood-n-guts are a staple for the slasher. Just ask Jason Voorhees.

The Post-Game Show

You take the good, you take the bad...you take 'em both and there you have- SHOCKTOBER! Poof- just like that, it's over. Wow, I didn't have to watch a movie today! How odd. Something arrived via Netflix this afternoon and I didn't even open it. Strangely, I felt restrained by my new freedom...I didn't know what to do with myself, so I played Star Wars: Battlefront 2 all day because I am a big nerd.

What can I say about this month, this experiment in insanity? All in all it was alot of fun- I saw some movies that will be added to my list of favorites. I saw some movies that should be jettisoned directly into the sun. I've listed the movies I watched, in order from the best to the worst, with links to the reviews...'cause that's just how I am. Let's see how they stack up.
The Brood- 9.5/10
American Gothic- 8.5/10
Phone- 8.5/10
Once Upon a Frightmare- 8.5/10
Alice, Sweet Alice- 8/10
The House on Sorority Row- 8/10
The Sentinel- 8/10
Night School- 8/10
Pumpkinhead- 8/10
Dead & Buried- 7.5/10
Hide & Go Shriek- 7.5/10
He Knows You're Alone- 7/10
Night of the Living Dead '90- 7/10
Stepfather 2- 7/10
Ring 2- 7/10
Body Bags- 6.5/10
The Prowler- 6.5/10
Of Unknown Origin- 6.5/10
Demons- 6/10
Fade to Black- 5.5/10
Raw Meat- 5.5/10
The Final Terror- 5/10
Alone in the Dark- 5/10
Toolbox Murders- 5/10
The Boogeyman- 4/10
Graduation Day- 2.75/10
Miner's Massacre- 2/10
Girls Nite Out- 1.5/10

And of course, the marathons o' madness:
Friday the 13th
F13-1
F13-2
F13-3
F13-4
F13-5
F13-6
F13-7
F13-8
Jason Goes to Hell
Jason X
Freddy vs Jason

Halloween
H-1
H-2
H-3
H-4
H-5
H-6
H2O
Halloween: Resurrection

Looking back, I think I'd probably rate most of them about the same. Some have aged well in the passing weeks...was Graduation Day really that bad? Some, however, have not: fuck Fade to Black. Surprisingly few bombs in the bunch! Good for me. Now, onto the awards ceremony! Please hold all applause until the end.

Movie that kicked my ass the hardest: The Brood! Man, if there's one thing I take away from this month, it will be a love for this movie. I can't say enough good things about it, and I hope to add it to my permanent collection soon. "Permanent collection"...see? Nerd.

Person I saw the most onscreen during the month: Donald Pleasence. He's in 5 out of 8 Halloween movies, as well as Raw Meat and Alone in the Dark. It was like he aged right before my very eyes!

Person I saw the most OF onscreen during this month: Too many young women to name. Many, many a boob was spotted, and sometimes even more. Tee hee hee! Nakedness makes me giggle!

Best moments: Need I mention my beloved football-with-a-sword- attached from Graduation Day? There's the exploding titles and hockey masks from various Friday the 13th movies. From Part 8, Jason Takes Manhattan, of course, there's the killing someone by punching their head clean off. The laser shooting the woman in the face in Halloween III. Lugosi Zombie from Night of the Living Dead.

Reaffirmed Infinite Love: I still really, really love Friday the 13th and F13 Part 2. My only wish for this month is that there had been more Amy Steel horror movies to discover. Halloween...oh yeah. Although that "My Paul...I can no longer stall..." song that Annie sings always gets stuck in my head. Just like right now.

Movie I loved way more than I remembered: Halloween III: Season of the Witch. As good/bad as it gets.

Most disturbing visual: It's a toss-up...the evil snowsuit-clad dwarves in The Brood...the legs-behind-the-head trick by Carol Levy from Alone in the Dark...or Beverly D'Angelo's self-lovin' through the leotard in The Sentinel.

Best comment: Courtesy of Brennon Slattery: "Linda Hamilton can chomp on my sac.".

Most infuriating: Yes, the great majority of the Friday the 13th sequels are absolute poo. But it took them until the 9th sequel (Jason Goes to Hell) to fuck themselves over as badly as Halloween managed in the 4th (The Return of Michael Myers). But I kinda liked that movie. It was Part 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers that pushed me dangerously close to the edge of insanity. I can't remember the scene exactly, as I've begun to purge the movie from my brain, but it may have been while Michael Myers was chasing his niece in a car that caused me (as Rachael reminded me today) to pause the tape...and blink back tears of rage. It was late, my ass was getting numb, I still had so many more movies to watch...I wasn't crying, but I was so pissed off at the movie that my eyes welled up. Had they actually spilled out, they would've turned to steam at the first touch of my flaming-hot cheeks. After the tears were gone, I think I had some ice cream. Yes, the movie practically turned me into a fucking Golden Girl- I needed sweets to cope. Oh and the death of Laurie Strode from Halloween: Resurrection? Don't get me started- don't even get me started!

Everything is blending together...needles-to-the-eye, heads in toilets, body parts chopped, drills in heads, bad acting, bare behinds, blood coming out the mouth...it's like a celluloid Chunky Soup in my brain. Well, not at all like that, because that doesn't make any sense. It's like an amazing technicolor dreamboat or coat or...gah.

As much as I've enjoyed myself this month, it's nice to have the gotta watch a movie pressure off. The problem is, now I have to think of new stuff to write about! My crutch is gone! But don't worry, my little babies, even though Shocktober is over, a new day dawns...let's all link pinks, make a caring circle, and shout out a huzzah!

Incidentally, thanks to everyone who's been reading and who's stuck around. You truly have rocked my face off.

364 more days til Halloween, Halloween, Halloween...Silver Shamrock!