There are no words.

Okay, so the post title is "There are no words.", but clearly there are words as there is a post that follows. Just thought I'd clear up that little semantic shenanigan right away.

Can "shenanigan" be singular? I've really only ever heard of "shenanigans", but I suppose the singular is also correct because there's no YOU SPELLED THAT WRONG, ASSHOLE red line under it and we all know that spell check is infallible. I like the word "shenanigans" as it's Irish-sounding and olde timey-sounding...yes, I like it even if it's also name of a restaurant with crazy crap on the walls sounding.

Anyway. You know how pictures of dead chupacabras pop up in the media fairly frequently? Well, I should clarify that they're pictures of what are supposed to be chupacabras- but the point is, these pictures pop up, inevitably after some farmer has wandered out into their field and found this dead...thing. They take a picture, the picture is all over the place- you know, this picture:


...and for while, you think (or I think, anyway) "Could that...be real? Could it? It looks real enough, but it's so impossible, it can't be real! No, it's a joke, a hoax, a ruse or a shenanigan! But...is it real? No...is it?" Inevitably it's not real- commenters point out it's some dessicated Mexican hairless dog or some mangey coyote or some such, but that's not the point! The point is about the feelings of unsure-osity and doubt that plague you (me) when first confronted with the photo. That is the point because those are also the feelings that plagued me whenever I saw box art for or a mere mention of American Psycho 2 (2002).

"Is that...? No, it couldn't be. With Mila Kunis? That can't be real. A sequel? To American Psycho? That's impossible. Starring Mila Kunis? That's so impossible it's unpossible. But there's a picture...it must be a hoax! A fantastic shenanihoax!""

But...there were no commenters to put my mind at ease with "That's some mangey Photoshop shit." No one cried "Falsehood! Lies! Blasphemer!" and that, my friends, is because American Psycho 2 actually exists. It does! I saw it with my own four eyes! I'm somehow survived a viewing of it, even, and I'm here to tell you, dear reader, that there is life before you have seen American Psycho 2 and life after you've seen American Psycho 2. You come out the other side changed. I've already started drinking heavily in the hopes of staving off PTSD.


During a ten-minute voiceover, Rachael Newman (Kunis) tells us just how this sequel came to be (in the fictional world, I mean...we all know that in the real world, Satan shat this thing out), because the very idea of it is so...well, there I go again. UNPOSSIBLE. When Rachael was a young'un, her babysitter took her along on a date with Patrick Bateman, the meticulous psychopath from American Psycho. As Patrick set about killing the babysitter, Rachael untied herself from a chair and killed Bateman. From that moment on, Rachael decided to become an FBI agent specializing in Behavioral Science, and she'd do anything to achieve that goal- anything, even going to college!

Is you mouth hanging open in sheer whatthefuckisthisareyouserious?-ness? Because mine was, literally. Hanging open. For ten minutes. Patrick Bateman is just so...casually offed here, it's ludicrous. As Christian Bale doesn't reprise the role, we don't even see his face! Just "Oh yeah, I killed him. Anyway..." and we're off to school with a grown-up Rachael.


What follows, to be honest, is not completely unlike a bad Lifetime movie plot: girl is actually cray cray! Girl wants teaching assistant position, and she'll do anything to get it, including studying and murdering! Girl really makes us question just who the American Psycho is, here. Wait, no girl doesn't. It's girl!

To be more honest, if this was, in fact, a Lifetime movie and it starred Tracey Gold, I'd probably be all over it (I actually really like Mila Kunis a lot, but I'm talking Tracey Gold). This is not a Lifetime movie, though. This is American Psycho 2, the very title of which banks on our knowledge of American Psycho. There are expectations when you're going to be so audacious- audacious I say!- to call yourself a sequel to the 2000 film.

The film fails in spectacular fashion to meet any expectations...well, except any expectations of suckage and disaster. The writers don't understand satire- if that's actually what they were going for here- nor the "black" in "black comedy". It's a mess set to an insufferable calliope-riddled soundtrack. Actually, American Psycho 2 isn't merely a failure or a mess. It's an affront. However, if you've ever wanted to see a movie in which Mila Kunis gives William Shatner a neckrub, then this is the movie for you!

Mila Kunis: finding her happy place, far away from this fuckery

In related news, if you've ever wanted to see a movie in which Mila Kunis gives William Shatner a neckrub...what the hell is wrong with you?