Okay kids, I'm going to try something a little different for today's film, Wrong Turn 3: Left for Dead. I'm gonna do a sort of live blog, just kind of typing my thoughts as they happen whilst I watch the movie. It'll be a bullet pointstravaganza that's so in the moment you'll feel as if you're right here with me gettin' yer deformed backwoods cannibal on. Won't that be neat? Yes, it will.Now, I haven't heard good things about this film. As you may or may not know (or care), I'm a fan of the original film...don't know if I've ever mentioned it, but I'm not a fan of the second one. Such is life. I'm inclined to think that the series probably should have ended after two films at most, but who knows? Perhaps I'm about to dig in to one surprisingly awesome movie. If the cover is any indication, then the series is really getting back to its roots- you know, a brunette in a tank top and all that (I mean, really??). Anyway, enough intro. Time to hit play!
Oh yes...there will be spoilers.
- Wow, this opens with some ragin' water kayaking. How very The Descent!
- The woman get topless and smoke a joint while the men look for firewood. The acting (and dialogue) are so atrocious, I can only hope they get killed quickly...and they do! Or at least titso does...arrow through the breast and through the eyeball.
- There's the archer cannibal dude, munching on said eyeball. Wow...that looks like a latex mask. And there goes the last remaining shred of mystique the Wrong Turn killers had...
- Holy shit, the picture is pixelated something bad...hopefully that's just because I'm watching a screener copy.
- Okay, the sliced-n-slowly-fall-apart death is in effect, and it's truly some of the worst CGI I've seen in a while. Stan Winston is flipping this shit off from heaven.
- Not even seven minutes in. This does not bode well.
- Aaaaaaaand we're at a prison. It seems that the hispanics and the caucasians do not get along.
- So there's going to be some sort of a prisoner transfer...I'm guessing that the bus is going to crash or get hijacked or something something, resulting in a WRONG TURN into Cannibal Country. Let's see how my prediction pans out.
- Oh. My. God. The driving in the bus sequence is some seriously...it's not even greenscreen. It's like...car driving shit from the old days- sitting in a fake car while a moving road is projected on a screen behind them. OH. MY. GOD. What the fuck was the budget on this? 50 cents and a pack of gum?
- Ugnnnnnn backlot.....
- Wow, no signal on the cell phone. Shocking.
- Okay, yup, the bus is getting run off the road by a truck driven by the cannibals. Mmm hmm.
- Everyone's out of the bus...oh no, now the prisoners are in charge! This is such an unexpected turn of events. They'll get theirs, I'm sure- hopefully soon. Probably in shocking ways, like a sudden arrow through the face or some such.
- The bus exploded...is it just me, or are explosions in movies rarely exciting?
- Annnnnd tank top just came running out of the woods. Yeah, right into the mass of hardened prisoners who, uh, haven't seen a woman in a while. She'd be better off with the cannibals.
- Oh, she's a bad actress. Eliza Dushku, where are you? We desperately need your two facial expressions!
- I hate all of these people. I can't wait for them to die. This doesn't make for a pleasurable viewing experience, especially when all they do is blah blah blah. It's blah blah blah but it's not character development, which would be fine...instead, it's just people yelling at each other. Wheeeee!
- Cannibal child was lying in wait underneath some leaves...just in case someone happened to wander by this neck of the woods, I guess.
- Ooh, the prisoners are slowly killing the cannibal child. Who are the monsters now? WHOOOOO?
- Another sliced-n-slowly-fall-apart death? Okay, it's just the face, but still. Merrrr.
- I guess it's just the one cannibal in this flick (aside from the child). It's one of the original dudes...Snaggleface? Three-toe? One Eye? T-Boz? I don't know...one of 'em.
- Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. 50 minutes in.
- Boy, with all the woods to walk around in, people always manage to walk right into traps. Weird.
- Okay, days 29, 30, and 31 better blow my fucking mind, lest SHOCKTOBER die a horrible death. It's not supposed to be this way!
- This movie is nothing but jerks running through the woods at night. There's no suspense, there's no atmosphere, there are no scares...sheesh. Please excuse me- I'm going to zone out now and think back to the original film...specifically, the scene in the house, where the kids are exploring and then the cannibals come home and they all have to hide and be quiet and the cannibals start eating one of their friends and they're forced to watch...yeah...zoning....zooooooo...ninnnnnng....
- Oh dear lord, she's such a bad actress.
- I wonder if that's a deliberate homage to Cannibal Holocaust.
- How many shells can a pump action shotgun hold?
- Annnnd the cannibal has kidnapped the girl. Scream scream, drag drag, lick lick, eww eww.
- Gosh, can't have a horror movie without an eeeevil house with a room made just for torturin' nudies!
- So many instances of characters punching each other where the fist is clearly kept about 18 inches away from the face.
- Well, there's lots of blood, I'll say that much.
- Wow, it's surprisingly easy to take off the top of someone's skull.
- Gosh, I guess the bad guy is dead...with ten minutes left...
- OH. MY. GOD. Really? REALLY??? So the heroes drive off in a truck (more bad car effects)...then a few miles away from the house the cannibal is STANDING IN THE ROAD?? This is not possible. THIS IS NOT POSSIBLE. NOT POSSIBLE. FOR MANY REASONS. And he jumps on the speeding truck? And there's atrocious CGI?
- Okay, I guess he's dead now.
- Ah, another vehicle explodes. Excitement.
- This really needs to be the last Wrong Turn. Really. No, really. This series needs to be euthanized.
- Annnnnnd there's the lame fucking coda that leaves the door open for another film.
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