...and so I'm back from outer space

I'd really like to tell you where I've been for the last week, but I'm afraid I can't do that quite yet. I've uncovered a story that could rock society to its very core, you see, and I need to wait until the time is right to make my move. Because I care about you, though, I will tell you to prepare yourselves...once this story hits, it will be evident that everything you ever thought about everything will be totally wrong. Stock up on duct tape and button candy, that's all I'm sayin'.