As you may or may not remember, the season finale of
Ghostella's Haunted Tomb, "
Top Friends", featured a Person You May Have Heard Of, one Lena Headey of
300 and
Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles. After the episode aired, I really dug reading speculation on a couple of websites regarding how I possibly could have gotten her on my show. Blackmail? Did someone owe me a favor? Was it a mafia thing?
Alright, so I fueled that last rumor myself. But still, people wondered about it...but the answer is quite simple: I got her in
Ghostella the way I've gotten
everyone who's been in
Ghostella in
Ghostella. We're friends, and I thought it would be fun so I asked. Mystery solved- rest easy, internet! See, a
mutual friend introduced us at San Diego Comic-Con and that was that.
LH: Quite sober, I think. We laughed, I remember, Ponder, and I was feeling very fond of you immediately.
SP: You made fun of my drink.
She did, and since I spent the night drinking whatever candy apple red thing it was they were giving away free, I probably deserved it.
We watch horror movies, we play video games, we both like
Dallas, she gives me Toblerone, and neither of us can resist a photo booth. It's like having anyone else for a friend, except my mom gets excited because she'll go to Best Buy and, like, see
Terminator: TSCC on the shelf.
Believe it or not, there's a point to all this, I swear! That point is, Lena stars in
The Broken, one of After Dark's 8 Films to Die For, hitting a store shelf NEAR YOU on Tuesday, March 31. For my AMC column this week, I attempted to sit down with her for an interview. Upon transcription, however, I realized that what I'd recorded was an hour of...of...well, not quite
madness, I suppose, but certainly nonsense. I cobbled together what I could and
you can read it now at AMC.
But...AMC has, like, rules and stuff about length and format, you know? And there's an editor. All those ellipsis? That's where they made with the chop chop...which is fine, that's their bag. However, I think people (myself included) like to read interviews that aren't so TV Guide, Q & A boring. Cutting out quirky speech patterns or whatever makes everyone sound the same, and it's strictly dullsville. Take the last question, for example, where I ask her about being paprazzied; I think her full answer gives her a little more, you know,
personality, and
I think it makes the whole affair more interesting for someone who might want to learn more about the actor.
LH: I think I’ve been paparazzied twice in my life since I’ve been out here and it was sort of…horrendous, do you know what I mean? I don’t go anywhere. You know me. I’m such a big spaz, I’m happy to sit here with my dogs and hang out with people I like. All that doesn’t appeal to me. I do think it is a conscious effort of keeping your head down so you can remain anonymous. It’s very funny, I feel like I have this thing where they’re like, “She’s Sarah Connor!” Nobody knows what else I do or what else I’ve done. It’s funny to me, and it couldn’t be farther from me. But I do love shooting stuff!
Or maybe the question where I ask about
The Sophisticates, the short film that marked Lena's writing/directing debut, the film she hopes to expand into a feature:
LH: As you know, directing is a long road and I’ve got many ideas and the movie that I’ve written,
The Sophisticates, which is a comedy. Yeah, all these other things are exciting, but you know, I’ve never directed before so I need to make sure that people know that I can do it. In terms of that,
The Sophisticates is a small ensemble comedy and I hope it’s charming and funny. I think female directors, first timers, always seem to set out and do a drama, a two-person drama. I think, oh fuck it, I wanna make a goofy movie. And I think making people laugh is really fucking difficult. Part of the reason for me writing
The Sophisticates was sort of that
Wizard of Oz element. I want people to go in and have a treat, be uplifted and charmed, and have a colorful thing to stare at for a minute. And not to please this sort of short memory we’ve got. But you know, I get into trouble for that, for saying no to things.
But anyway, I'm not going to go back and forth, comparing and contrasting. Rather, I'm going to post here what didn't make the cut...the ridiculous nonsense. Why? I don't know. It's like DVD special features or something.
SP: So if life was like
The Broken, what would you do if you were out on the street and you saw someone drive by and it was, like, kind of…you? What would you do?
LH: I would just punch her in the face.
SP: “There’s only room for one Headey in this town!”
LH: “Stop trying to be so pretty!” Actually, I’d probably just ask her where she got her hair done. But if she had a better car than me I’d fucking steal that. If it was a Volvo PS 1800 I would kill the person that looked like me and I’d take it.
SP: I don’t even know what that is.
LH: It’s the coolest car ever made. Just that.
SP: I’m sorry, I thought The Love Bug was the coolest car ever made.
LH: No, not Bernie. What’s his name?
SP: Herbie.
LH: Ernie. Barbara!
SP: It should’ve been Barbara!
LH: Yes! “Love Bug 2: Barbara’s Revenge”. She kills Herbie. She makes Herbie go bananas, is what she does.
SP: Well played. Let’s get Hollywood on the phone. Lindsay can star in it again…
LH: Johnny Depp can play the car…
SP: You’re very much…umm…
LH: Kind.
SP: Very kind. You have a certain grace about you.
LH: Like a kindly swan.
SP: What’s your historical disease of choice: consumption, the plague, or the vapors?
LH: That…but do you die from the vapors?
SP: No, just…people fan you and then you’re fine.
LH: Well, it’s not really a disease, is it? Just attention seeking. A narcissistic disease.
SP: Mental illness and corsets…
LH: I’ve done a few movies in a corset, and let me tell you: no. You can’t eat a Fatburger, you can’t have a pint of beer.
SP: Let’s talk about
The Cave!
LH: Alright, let’s do it, Ponder. Is that your favorite film of mine? Or of all time?
SP: It is. I’m not gonna lie.
LH: It’s got amazing power.
SP: Yeah, it really spoke to me.
LH: It changes lives. It does.
SP: They play it in children’s sick wards…
LH: When people do charity walks, they play it at the beginning to get everyone pumped up. I think they play it on Romania’s travel website…
SP: The impression I have of you…you know, you go on your first press junket and you listen to all the actors and you think, “Wow, this is so interesting!” Then you go on your second press junket and you realize that they’re all saying the exact same things that everyone on the first junket said. It’s all these standard answers, and it’s so boring. But knowing you beyond a press junket, it does honestly seem to be about the work with you. You’re always talking about ideas, we’re always talking about ideas, you’re up for anything, you know what I mean? So it’s cool to know that you’re out there.
LH: It’s a strange thing about acting- people almost think it’s some bestowed sort of honor, but it’s like, you’re fucking human. The fact is, it’s happened for us and there are many more talented people out there who haven’t gotten the work. But yeah, I don’t ever want to stop being curious about it, because when I do it’ll be over for me and I’ll go make cakes or something. Really shit cakes. But I love it. I love actors, I think there’s obviously and element of narcissism involved with being an actor, but I think there’s a bravery to it. The cinema for me is such a therapy. Even a silly movie- the lights go down and for that hour and a half you’re kind of lost. I love that. And to give people that experience- movies that move you, or make you laugh, or scare you, it’s just such a joy. And to come out of a movie, having really had an experience, that’s part of what makes me really want to direct. Working with actors, it’s a privilege to direct. Some directors don’t feel that- it’s just an excuse to yell and seek revenge for a playground experience.
We talked a bit about the internet and how there's
up-to-the-minute, behind-the-scenes this and
sneak peek that, how there's no waiting for a movie anymore, no real anticipation...you know, just general
old people vs the internet bitchery.
LH: I have such a hard time on the TV show because they want me to do publicity for every single thing, speak to everybody, and I can’t- for me, it takes away everything that acting’s about. Why can’t we have mystery anymore? Why can’t people go and watch it and decide for themselves? But actors aren’t the advertisers, and I don’t think we should have to go and do all that. If I can sit like this and talk about everything, you know, that makes sense to me. But the sort of generic repetition…
SP: Well, you’re supposed to want the attention.
LH: Maybe that’s it. I have no interest in that.
SP: Alright, I think we're done.
LH: Are we? Did you get enough? We didn’t talk about anything, did we?
SP: It’s fine. I can weave some magic.
LH: You can. I don’t care what you say.
SP: Don’t worry, I won’t make you look any worse than you actually are.
Then we had pizza and watched
Session 9. Holla!
The lacy Sand and Garden slip adds a flirty Victorian feel that's just right for tea with the girls or first dates.
And one that is similar to Desert Nights:
Emily tells Liza that she's been "looking for her", and goes on to warn her not to reopen the hotel. It's built over one of the seven gates to Hell, and should the gate open, well...that would, like, be bad and stuff.
Liza's from New York, though, so she feels adequately prepared to deal with whatever Hell might spew forth. She marches boldly into Schweick's room and lo and behold, bad stuff happens. Like, the dead can walk and they're awfully slow and depressed-looking, but they still want to KILL KILL KILL kind of stuff.
saddest zombies ever
There's some genuine terror to be found here as well; I'm thinking specifically of the scene where Joe the Plumber's eyeless corpse rises from the fetid water of a bathtub...had I seen that as a young'un, my brain would have broken right in half. The film's ending is beautiful and haunting, as Liza and John find themselves in the vast wasteland of the afterlife, doomed to an existence as sentinels o' Hell.
Plenty of folks think The Beyond is an overrated mess; plenty of others think it's Fulci's finest effort. I'd say it's somewhere in between- it's an atmospheric, zombie-riffic, painful-looking-contact-lens-riddled good time. Sometimes it's okay to just be entertained, you know? And boy, was I entertained. I've also got a hankering for more Italian zombie flicks...
-----------------------------
...and I know it's supposed to be a horror movie and not, say, a heartwarming film about a kindly old man who makes marionettes to entertain retarded orphans or something, I have to admit, my first thought is going to be "This will be the greatest movie ever ever EVARR." That's just how I'm wired...and lemme tell you, it never turns out the way I'd like it to. Never. NEVARR!
By the way, if the pasty naked broad on the right was actually Edith Massey, The Manipulator probably would be the greatest movie ever ever EVARR. But it's not, and it isn't.
At this point, I'm 13 minutes into the movie and I want to set myself on fire. I knew I wasn't going to make it through The Manipulator...maybe my immune system isn't what it used to be, or maybe I'm starting to feel my mortality and, you know, 90 minutes is a decent chunk out of the finite time I've got left on this planet. The point is, I decided to give the movie until the 30-minute mark and if I was still feeling like self-immolation was a better option than watching it, I'd turn that shit off.
...yup, Mickey Rooney in a face full of makeup, looking like the stunt double for that broad on The Drew Carey Show (I love the word "broad", as if you can't tell by the way I've been running it into the ground lately, especially in this post). I thought I might be able to salvage something good from The Manipulator yet.
SP: You’re very much…umm…
SP: Let’s talk about The Cave!
It's all fairly standard survival horror stuff and that's all well and good, but I never found myself connecting with this film or the characters in any meaningful way. In short, I've seen other films addressing the kids are homicidal douchebags notion (eg Wilderness) that I found far more compelling than Eden Lake. I think the issue of class was meant to play a larger role here than it actually did- the kids are all the product of a violent, rough, working-class upbringing, while Jenny and Steve come rolling into the region in their Land Rover. A sign posted at Eden Lake, promising of the gated community to be built there soon, is graffitied with "fuck off yuppy cunts". Someone should tell the painter that the message would be more effective if it were written on the front of the sign, where people can see it. Perhaps having it on the back adds suspense in the sense that the audience knows what the characters don't, but it may have been more interesting if the characters willfully wandered into what's essentially hostile territory. Eh, coulda shoulda woulda.
And I know it's a petty, personal thing, but women who sort of emulate children in their manner and their dress really set my teeth on edge. Perhaps Jenny's "innocent" bit is meant to contrast with the lengths she's driven to throughout this ordeal, I don't know. Still, the only grown woman acting like a child I want to watch is a man, and that man is Alan Rowe Kelly. If you haven't seen his turn as Beefteena in The Blood Shed, you're missing out on some real fucking magic, my friends.
The point is to talk about Eden Lake, though, right? As I said, I'm completely 100% in the minority, but I found it to be little more- or maybe even little less- than a by-the-numbers survival horror flick that didn't move me, horrify me, scare me, or thrill me in any way. Then again, I wear my pants backwards, so what do I know?
